“Salty” Liam Britten saltyliam@ gmail.com The "Other" News __ Canucks to Spend Entire Salary Budget on Turning Roberto Luongo into Cyborg “Salty” Liam Britten resident all-star VANCOUVER, BC — Dave Nonis, General Manager of the Vancouver Canucks, has announced that beginning in 2008 the team plans to begin “cutting the fat” by dismissing every player on the team except Roberto Luongo, who will then be reconstructed physically as a half-man, half-machine cyborg. The planned cyborg will be able to play most positions simultaneously, thanks to advances in nanotechnology, rocket boosters, and a well-placed flamethrower. “The flamethrower was a nice touch, we’re happy with the flamethrower,” reported head coach Alain Vigneault. In making the decision, the Vancouver GM cited lacklustre performance from players such as Markus Naslund, Brendan Morrison, and Trevor Linden. As well, he has cited a lack of jump from the defence corps, which has regularly been letting 35 to 40 shots get through to the veteran goalkeeper. “T will say that some of the blame for the play of the team so far rests on my shoulders” admitted Vigneault. “Perhaps my strategy of ‘get a lucky goal, then Roberto stops 40 shots’ was not the best plan.” Despite regrets about how the team got to where it is now, Vigneault is happy with the new mechanized goalkeeper. “The new Roberto will be able to goal-suck as well as the Sedins ever could, and his mini homing rockets should allow us plenty of Naslund-style garbage goals,” he told reporters at a press conference. “And to maintain the true Canucks feel that fans know and love, if he is ever playing too well, he has a patented ‘choke’ function that will cause him to completely fall apart offensively and defensively and lose us the game.” : Luongo himself was not available for comment, as he was in surgery having his eyes replaced with a pair of -have no comment regarding my to thank RUN TIME ERROR infra-red ocular sensors. However, a written statement was provided to the press: “At this time, I transformation, but I would like 45- PLEASE CONTACT . TECHNICAL SUPPORT OR RESTART.” Dave Nonis, in closing statements, noted the fans’ concerns about the team’s new direction. “It was a tough decision, but I have to move forward with what’s best for the team,” Nonis told assembled reporters. “And in the future, this team will consist of a single player, and he will have a laser gun.” By “Salty” Liam Britten PORT COQUITLAM, BC — Kyle . McLellan, a local high school student described by female friends as “sweet” and “a great listener,” has officially entered the friend zone, sources report. The entrance occurred at approximately 6:36 PM last Thursday, when Kyle spent over three hours using the MSN internet chat system to listen to fellow eleventh- grade student Jessica Wallace’s concerns over whether or not her boyfriend of two months truly loved her. “She totally wants me,” McLellan told The Other Press. “The way I just let her pour her heart out to me. It’s only a matter of time before she dumps that loser Brett and starts going out with me.” Added McLellan: “I’m totally going to tap that.” However, McLellan’s assessment could not be further from the truth. His caring facade, combined with a lack of assertive behaviour has only cemented Wallace’s perception of him as a purely platonic friend. 18 “Kyle is so sweet,” said Wallace. “I’m so glad he just listened to my feelings, he really helped me work through a lot of the feelings that were really making me feel so confused feeling, and now my feelings are telling me that my feelings for Brett are okay to feel. Thanks so much, Kyle! From now on, we are BFF!” As of press time, Jessica is still with her boyfriend, Brett, and still sees Kyle as merely “a friend.” Kyle has moved on, however; he is now acting as an emotional pillar of strength for classmate Ellie Fields, whose cat just died. Sources have described the odds of him going with her as “unlikely.” Friend Zone Entered Wallace, who described McLellan (left) as “like a brother to me.”