Other News Elevator Rider Won’t Shut the Fuck Up By “Salty” Liam Britten NEW WESTMINSTER, BC— An bore him to death with her ramblings. inconsiderately, after picking up the good day.” elevator ride between the second level “Excuse me, but did you drop hypodermic, which was totally none of What a bitch. parking lot and the fourth floor of this EpiPen Case?” she burbled her business.”Oh, not a problem, have a Douglas College’s New Westminster campus was ruined today by the incessant chattering of an extremely rude student, 20-year old Kara Stevens. Stevens, while gabbing on a cell phone, got.on the elevator in question at the first floor, and apparently had to let everyone in on her life story, orating to the listener on the other end, “Can I call you back? I’m getting on an elevator. Okay, bye.” Her fellow passengers were understandably irritated. Tom MacKay, an 18-year old freshman, was inside the elevator when Stevens barged her way in. “Oh yeah, she got on. I don’t think she said anything, to be honest,” MacKay generously said of the loudmouthed harpy. “Oh, she asked the handicapped guy if he needed the door held open at the second floor. That was nice of her.” The harrowing ride with the braying woman ended when the elevator reached the fourth floor. The occupants were shaken, but alive. And after all that, Stevens had the audacity to further ruin the ride of an innocent diabetic, Jonathan Park, when she proceeded to Paper Cuts are the Worst: Independent Study By “Salty” Liam Britten Kara Stevens, who refused to stop her incessant nattering COQUITLAM, BC— A new report contrary medical studies published in Association Journal, paper cuts are in researchers in the study. released today by an independent panel __ established journals such as The fact, “the worst.” “The lack of a control group, absence of researchers concluded that despite Lancet and the Canadian Medical The report was researched and of replication, and the short time frame Maxwell and Weinstein, the architects of the study 18 published by Susan Weinstein, 34, and Irene Maxwell, 27, two secretaries employed by the law firm Goldman, Kurtz, Smith and Co. in Coquitlam, British Columbia. “owwwwieee, I totaly [sic] just gave myself a paper cut!!” the report’s abstract began. The report was published on the “Wall” of Weinstein’s Facebook account by Maxwell, after she concluded a period of empirical research. “Oh no! :( Poor Iree! Paper cuts are the worst!” inferred Weinstein in the report’s body. “Did you get a band- aid???” The maverick study has not been without its critics. Martin B. Stanford, MD, PhD, researcher for the Canadian Medical Association Journal has attacked the methodology used by the in which the study was conducted does not suggest that the Maxwell-Weinstein study was conducted in the holistic fashion that we at the CMA Journal generally require for publication. And I am yet to see any peer reviews of their claims about the disinfectant properties of Bacardi White Rum.” Added Stanbrook: “Besides, haven’t you ever gotten rugburn? That shit hurts.” The Maxwell-Weinstein report concluded with an objective discussion over who was the hottest guy on Days.