The “Other” News “Salty” Liam Britten saltyliam@ gmail.com Child researchers raise alarms over declining Easter candy hauls “Salty” Liam Britten resident all-star NORTH VANCOUVER — Children across Canada are raising concerns over the declining quality and quantity of Easter candy. Aconcerned group of child scientists say that the lack of candy could be the result of long-term general decline in candy standards across the country. They have released a documentary entitled An Unsweetened Truth to outline their claims. “Here we see Mikey Davis’s Easter basket in 2002, and here we see it again in 2007,” said the film’s narration over a photo-comparison of two _ baskets. “Notice the decline of Cadbury cream eggs and jellybeans; at this rate, cream eggs will be no more by the year 2009 and jellybeans will soon follow.” The child scientist group’s efforts have come under attack by a group of “candy change skeptics” calling themselves Parents Advocating Candy Truth, or PACT. “It’s very easy for children to criticize the lack of candy, but why is no one talking about the glut of broccoli this nation has?” said Sue Yates, a PACT spokeswoman and mother of three. “Maybe if Kelli [Yates, her daughter] would eat some of that broccoli, she wouldn’t need so much candy.” But other children have said the declining haul has been common knowledge for years among those who rely on the candy for their livelihoods. “Of course candy has been declining, and it’s putting me out of work,” said Erik Park, age five. “Without candy to trade, how am I going to get fireworks and Pokemon cards? I can’t make do with carrot sticks! There’s no demand for that, aside from James [Sims, age six] and that’s only ‘cause he’s not allowed A typical Easter basket from 2002 (left) contrasts negatively with one from this year (right) candy.” The federal government has claimed that candy is “not their jurisdiction.” “It is up parents to determine the amount of candy that is right for their children,” said Stephen Harper during a press conference. “However, we have been in talks with opposition parties about perhaps instituting a policy of ‘candy intensity,’ where we can regulate that a certain number of candies must be put into Easter baskets of a certain size.” However, child scientists are not supportive of this plan. “Candy intensity is an easy way out, and it’s gay,” said Greg Wilson, age seven. “What’s to stop mommy and daddy from just decreasing the size of Easter baskets? If things continue at this rate, Easter will soon be just as lame as Victoria Day.” China: “We didn't shoot any protestors. Okay, fine, we shot four.” By “Salty” Liam Britten BEIJING—For the first time since massive protests began in Tibet, the Chinese government is admitting “a couple of protestors might have gotten shot.” “The Chinese government is committed to dispersing this protest peacefully,” said Qiangba Puncog, Chairman of the Tibetan Autonomous Region. “We have never shot anyone. Except for Zhou and Gao, but those guys oe were dicks and had it coming anyways. But those were the only two!” The protests are due to Tibet’s occupation by China and ongoing protests over the lack of economic successes that Tibetans enjoy compared to other Chinese ethnic groups. The Chinese government has deployed thousands of troops to the area, arrested hundreds, and shut down many temples and monuments. The Beijing government has maintained their forces are acting peacefully. “We didn’t shoot any protestors. Okay, fine. We shot four,” said Chinese President Hu Jintao. “But come on, they were totally asking for it. They’re pacifists! It’s so hard to not shoot at someone when you know they won’t do shit all to fight back. But it was only four!” Buddhist monks have been leading the protest, and seem to be the main targets of Chinese reprisals. “Fine, whatever, you got me, we shot about 12 monks,” said Premier Wen Jiabao. “But keep in mind, they’re holier-than-thou attitude can really be annoying. Have you ever tried to talk to them about something other than karma? You can’t, because everything for them is karma! And remember, it was only 12 monks, just 12, I swear!” China is appealing to the people of Tibet to maintain social order. “Citizens, I call upon you to remain calm in this time of unrest. The protests are to end soon, services will return as normal, and no one has been killed,” said Zhang Qingli, Communist Party secretary for Tibet. “And when I say no one has been killed, I mean about 30 have been killed. But no more!” The international community is divided on the issue of China’s handling of the protests. All are hopeful that no further violence will occur, and some are expressing concerns about how this will affect the 2008 Summer Olympics hosted by Beijing. Most leaders that have publicly expressed their feelings are supportive of China. “We sympathize with China, and would like to express our absolute condemnation for those who are attacking China’s territorial integrity,’ said Omar Hassan al-Bashir, President of Sudan. “But if those government assholes try to overtake my protestor kill-count, it’s war! The death toll better stay at 62, China!” The United States government has made its position clear during a meeting Dick Cheney had with the Chinese ambassador in Washington, DC, Yang Jiechi. “Sure we'd all like to shoot a protestor or two, hell, I wake up every morning hoping I'll get the chance,” said Cheney. “But you can’t just do it like that, you gotta be sneaky. That’s why we’ve got Guantanamo Bay.”