LETTIOR

A Midsummer Night’s Layout

THE SCENE: Douglas
College, largely vacant, a
post-secondary ghost town
nestled among the crack
dealers, Money Marts, and
wandering vagrants of
New Westminster, BC. An
editor sits at a desk and
wildly stabs at a keyboard,
muttering to himself as he
tries to come up with a
theme for this month’s
“Lettitor.” The graphics
team (2 women, one man)
concentrates on finishing
the Other Press, which is
due at the printer by mid-
night.

 

EDITOR: I got nothing. Seriously, I can’t think of anything to write about. It’s not like
writer’s block. It’s like a dry river bed. I’m parched.

GIRL 1: What did you do this month? Tell a story or something. That’d be good. Make it
funny.

GIRL 2: Keep it short and snappy. Just tell them what's in the paper.

EDITOR: A story...yeah, but what story? We’ve kinda got a Shakespearean theme going
this issue, I guess. I did go see A Midsummer Nights Dream a couple of weeks ago. I could
write about that. Except I already reviewed it for the centre spread.

GIRL 2: What else is in the paper this month?

EDITOR: Uhhhh...News has got a great piece on Welfare practices in BC, and there’s a
report on the World Urban Forum that happened last month. Oh, there’s two new section
editors starting this month—Travis Paterson is taking over Opinions and Brady Ehler is
the new Features Editor. I guess I could bid a fond farewell to Brandon Ferguson and
Kevin Welsh. That would take up at least 100 words. Yeah, I'll do that.

GIRL 2: Why don’t you just tell them what’s in the freaking paper? [Gets up from her comput-
er and starts pacing the office, obviously annoyed| What makes you think that anyone wants a
story in the “Lettitor” anyway? Like, who are you writing for anyway? Why don’t you just
tell them what’s in the paper?

EDITOR: Whoa, settle down there, Killer. It’s just that telling little non sequitur stories is

SHAKESPEARE OF CONTENTS

 

Features 14

what I do. People say they like it. It’s what I do.
GIRL 1: Name one person who has said they like your Lettitors? I think they’re weird.
EDITOR: My mom said she reads them online every issue. She says she loves them.

LAYOUT MAN: Talk about sushi. I’m sick of. sushi. I want a place that cooks their freak-
ing fish. Sushi is so five-minutes ago.

GIRL 1: That saying “so five-minutes ago” is so five minutes ago. Why don’t you just
“think outside the box” and “talk to the hand” while you’re at it?

MAN: Whatevs. [chuckles quietly]

EDITOR: What the hell am I going to write about? I need a story. Snappy. Something
snappy about summer maybe?

GIRL 2: What’s in the f%$ing paper, Asswad?

EDITOR: [mimics robot voice] Opinions has Right Hook and Left Overs. David Suzuki is
smart. A&E has Superman review, indie rock, jazz fest, Bard on Beach. Features is all
weed, all the time. Sports has basketball. Prrrrrt. Fffffft. I am over heating with creativity.
[makes fizzling sounds|

[Girl 1 and Girl 2 crumple paper and throw at the editor. Layout Man laughs and joins in.)

MAN: Anyone want to go get a drink?

GIRL 1: I’m in.

GIRL 2: Me too.

[The three exit stage left and Editor sits alone at computer, still staring, still muttering.

Camera pans to close up on a computer screen. Sound of keyboard keys being hit, slowly
at first, then building momentum. The following words appear: “People like summer for
different reasons. Some love the sunshine and outdoor activities, others, the scantily clad
people. Me? I love the tools of summer. I love hoses with nozzles that have 15 different
settings. I love beat-up lawnmowers that smoke when you start them and homemade win-
dow screens that require duct tape and prayer to fasten them to the house. I love the

spray bottles, straw hats, sunglasses, and Mojitos. These are the tools of summer that I
love.”

EDITOR: [Highlights and erases written text| 1 got nothing. I’m parched.

Welcome to the Other Press for July. It’s way better than a crappy one-act play. It’s Bard-a-
licious.

—Colin Miley, Editor-in-Chief