J.ALL.
OP Columnist

 

Winona was convicted. Gasp. What is this world coming to when super hot chicks are thrown in jail
for stealing $5,500 worth of clothes from Saks? It’s a sick, sick world.
I used to really like Winona Ryder. Heathers defined my high school years, I mimicked her haircut

from Beetlejuice and renting Reality Bites is one of my guilty pleasures. But I really wanted her to be

convicted and not because I think shoplifting makes you bad person—I was nabbed in the act at
Safeway when I was seventeen, and I’m a wonderful person. No, this is more about petty jealousy and
the joy of witnessing someone who is better looking than you, who has a better car, a better house,
better friends, hell, a better everything than you get the shaft. Not to mention, I find her rock star dat-

ing, hip-scenester ways really annoying.

Do you suppose I’m being unfair to poor gorgeous sticky-fingers Winona? As I sat down to write
this I wondered the same thing. I mean are we really so different, her and I? We're pretty much the
same age (she turned 31 in the courtroom), we are both brunettes and we both love rock stars with
good hair. I divided a piece of paper in half and began writing down what we had in common and
what we didn't. When the paper was filled and I surveyed the list, the results reconfirmed my original
opinion—I hope she rots in jail. Still think I’m out of line? Read for yourself:

Winona

Brunette

Busted for shoplifting from Saks
Dated Beck

Dated Ryan Adams

Dated David Pirner

Dated Matt Damon

Dated Christian Slater
Dated Daniel Day Lewis
Dated David Duchovny
Dated Chris Noth

Engaged to Johnny Depp
Godfather is Timothy Leary
Allen Ginsberg was a family friend
Has notably large breasts

Is loved by thousands

Is hated by thousands

Has iiber-hip friends
Always has a cool haircut

Is the indie pin-up girl
Lives in Hollywood

Me

Brunette

Busted for shoplifting lipbalm from Safeway
Thinks Beck’s hot

Thinks Ryan’s hot but over-styles his hair
Thinks Soul Asylum sucks

Thinks Ben Affleck is hotter

Lusted after Christian in high school

Got hot watching Age of Innocence

Thinks Mulder is a total fox

(This one hurts)Loved Chris Noth since Law & Order
Member of the 21 Jump Street fan club
Watched all the Godfather films in one sitting
My mom met Alan Thicke once

Has breasts

Owes thousands

Is hated by thousands

Hangs out with people who work at the OP
Saving up for a trim

Have compromising photos on the web
Lives in New West

OKAY THAT’S JUST ABOUT ENOUGH...

Yeah so call me sour grapes, but on paper her life rawks and mine—and not even just by compari-
son—sucks. So being bitter and small and obviously uncool (see above list), I feel completely justified
in wishing America’s favourite waif the worst. She’s a menace and deserves to be behind bars for a very

long time.

 

    
 
  
 
    

remember that shirt you passed
on to your little brother?

  

and that bike you passed
on to your little sister?

Recycle life...

register
to be an
organ dono

  
   
    
  
     
       
   
     
   
  

British Columbia
Transplant Society

 

tiie meee Cel MULL)
www.transplant.bc.ca
604-877-2240

Hipnetik reee

   

 

rds and elethin

4

  

8: $s ano apparet. 7

The finest urban clothing, accessories
and records.

Clothing lines include dub, freshjive,
ambiguous, hipnotik brand clothing and
flo sport

Accesories include hats, touques,
vinyl bags, record cases, needles,
slipmats, videos and more!

 

we also offer dj lessons and graffiti supplies

leeated at 764 eolumbia street
[604] 524-5620 www.hipnetikeniine.eo

  
   

 

© page 6