humor// no. 16 theotherpress.ca Forever 21 does not guarantee looking forever 21 >» Where else can I get chemical-smelling, mass-produced horrible clothing? Take this quiz to find out why you're looking for the horoscope section » Yeah, I see you. I didn’t do them this week, okay?! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor into the moon for too long. Let’s get down to brass tacks—you're looking for your horoscope because somewhere deep, deep down in your tiny little lizard brain, you're looking for the answer to something that you already know. Let’s skip all the planet mumbo-jumbo for one week and take this quiz to find out what you're subconsciously repressing! WwW you looking forwards to reading your horoscope this week? Well, tough shit! I’m getting a permanent crick in my neck from looking up at the stars, and a blotch in my right eye from staring Pick a travel destination and a reason why a) Paris, for the art b) Berlin, for the music scene c) Thailand, for the beaches d) Spain, for the hotties Pick a gym activity a) treadmill b) stair climber c) staying in the changeroom for 15 minutes on your phone and then calling it a day d) opening Tinder and setting your distance to five kilometres Which Sex and the City character are you? a) Carrie b) Miranda, but with better hair c) Mr. Big d) Weird Semen guy Your best friend texts you at three in the morning to tell you that they just got dumped. You: a) go see them right away! b) console them over the phone for hours c) send a text d) Do Not Disturb mode, baby! You go all the way to a specific restaurant for your favourite dish, but they’re all out! You: a) get something else that the waiter recommends b) go to the next best restaurant nearby c) bea dick to the waiter even though it’s not their fault d) DoorDash A&W to the restaurant Your boss texts you to come in on your day off. You have the spare time, but you're feeling lazy. You: a) agree to come in for half of the shift time b) agree ifyou can give away one of your shifts next week c) go in and do 35 percent of the work that you would normally do d) I already said Do Not Disturb mode! Baby! Mostly “A’s There’s something big and stressful looming on the horizon (think test, exam, interview) and you're looking for any sign that you're going to do well. Well sweetie, look no further! You're going to do great at whatever youre doing—that is, unless you royally fuck it up. But you would never do that, right? Why don’t you check another paper for their horoscope section? Mostly “B’s Rent just came and went, and you're panicking about the great de-equalizer: cash. Yup, you're pinching pennies! Trying to take a peek into the stars and see if you'll be coming into the green? Well, look no further because I’m here to tell you that I have no idea about your financial situation and how to improve it. Hell, I can barely take care of myself! Toodles! M th “«c” Lost that joie de vivre? Join the club, bitch! You're looking for a sign—any sign—that we're not just ants on the lump of floating space rock that we call Earth. What really floats your boat? I can’t tell you that, but I can tell you that you're never going to find it by sitting at home and reading the horoscopes in the paper. Get out there and do something, anything, before we all catapult into the sun! Mostly “D’s Let’s call a spade a spade, reader. You've got it bad: A crush on someone that you've probably never talked to in your life. Trying to sneak a peek at your horoscope to see if they've got the hots for you too? Pathetic! Why don’t you do something worthwhile with your time, like fix your hair or download a dating app? Hey... youre looking pretty good! What are you up to next week? ;) ;) ;) Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor onsumers were shocked beyond belief last Saturday at Richmond Centre. Why? It was revealed at a press conference that despite the name of the popular store, clothing from Forever 21 did not, in fact, guarantee that the shopper would remain in a permanent stasis of being 21 years of age. “No one is shocked more than me,’ said brand spokesperson Julie Morissette, 42, who at the time of interviews was squeezed into a lurid, hot pink bandage dress and lime- was under the impression that when I wore my multiple neon yellow, lace-up front, cold shoulder tops, nobody would be able to tell that I’m old enough to start getting a pap smear twice a year. I thought I could pass for a college freshman!” “When I wear my Forever 21 ankle booties and embroidered white T-shirt that says ‘Paris’ on the right boob pocket, I feel young and invincible,” said Samantha Dupliss, a 38-year-old mother of three. “It doesn’t matter that the shirt was already falling apart when I bought it, and that the 15-year-old girl working the changerooms was wearing the exact same shirt. I felt just as young and sexy as when my green sneakers. now-husband Paul knocked According to me up in the back of his classified company father’s Jaguar.” documents that Interestingly were leaked enough, those younger online, clothing than 21 felt the from the fast- opposite effect. fashion brand “TL can't wait primarily suits i until I’m 21 and I’m people from the # allowed to pay my ages of 13 to 20. income tax,” said “Anyone Daniella Long, 12. “I outside of that love to put on my age range wearing spandex leopard clothing from “= skirt and pretend Forever 21 will look that I’m crying dated and sad,” in the bathroom Morissette told press. ,, _ Stall of my “You will not look 3 minimum wage young, sexy, and 5 job because my fresh, like that 5 boss yelled at one cousin who = me, and I cant has two private 4 quit because Instagram £ [mtrying accounts that S to afford a she won't let you 2 plane ticket see.” g outtosee my “We've 2 boyfriend in never claimed Montreal. He’s that our clothing in an acting suspends the age troupe and of those wearing he’s definitely it or reverts their cheating on me age back to with his co-star their early 20s,” C C Dejan” Forever 21 CEO Does Jack Griffiths I can't wait until I’m this new said to reporters. , information “In fact, our 21 and I m allowed to mean clothing often pay my Income tax. consumers has the opposite will begin to effect—a woman boycott the just 27 year of age —Daniella Long, 12 chain? can age herself as “Tknow I much as 15 years by wearing this season’s trend of shirts saying “YOU'RE LIKE, REALLY PRETTY’ in rainbow Comic Sans font.” Consumers were shocked and appalled. Other Press reporters spoke to shoppers in Richmond Centre to hear their thoughts on the issue. “T've never felt so betrayed,” said Mia Davidson, 29-year-old paralegal. “I won't be going back,” Dupliss said. “This is making me shift my whole mindset towards timeless, long-lasting clothes that will allow myself to show the real me. That’s why from now on. I'll be shopping at somewhere more age-appropriate— Brandy Melville”