Brother Down
As a brief aside, and feel free to harass J.J.

McCullough for more info on it, I’m tired
of Canada’s“weak attempts to bolster our
armed forces with token purchases after
years of delay. We're nearly 12 years deep

 

in the plight of the SeaKing—with no
new helicopters to show for it. We're a
decade past due on our duty to supply
ground forces with properly armoured

trucks and jeeps—current vehicles can
barely withstand a flat tire. And to prop
up our now shameful navy (we have the
world’s longest coastline, you know), we
purchased four decrepit submarines from
the Royal British Navy.

One of the rust-buckets, the HMCS
Chicoutimi, caught fire about 200 kilo-
metres off the shores of Ireland last week,
leaving the sub stranded on the surface in
high seas without power.

The fire, which occurred in an electri-
cal panel, ended in tragedy as Lt. Chris
Saunders of Halifax succumbed to smoke
inhalation last Wednesday, en route to an
Irish hospital.

Although the death came as a sur-
prise—nine sailors were treated for smoke
inhalation, but only Saunders and two
others were airlifted out of the stricken
sub—the four Victoria-class submarines
have been mired by problems.

One of the subs has a rusted hull while
another spent months in dry-dock await-
ing repair on a large dent in the body.
Crews have worked feverishly to make the
subs seaworthy and validate the $750 mil-
lion investment, even “vulturing” parts
from one sub to fix another. The Brits
originally offered the subs to the Chretien
government in the mid-’90s. So, naturally,
we sat down and thought about it—for a
half-dozen years. During that time of deep

Oeuober § 13/2000

Reese eee eee eee nee eee ne

 

News Wears Short Shorts

Brandon Ferguson, News Editor

thought, the subs sat and waited, allowing
corrosion to party on.

Now, it’s hard to make light of a situa-
tion where a Canadian sailor made the
ultimate sacrifice, but that ultimate sacri-
fice wouldnt have been necessary had a
politician or two had the guts to make a
move without worrying about sacrificing
their most treasured possession—their
career.

Cheney Caught
Math-Debating

In last Tuesday’s Vice Presidential debate,
Dick Cheney offered an olive branch to
the Kerry-Edwards camp by completely
goofing on his attacks and fudging the

facts.

American casualties and expenditures for
the war in Iraq, the not-so-sparkly deal-
ings and partnerships between
Halliburton and Iran and Libya, and the
voting record of John Kerry in the Senate.
One of the more touching moments
came when Senator Edwards commended
Vice President Cheney for his courage to
have a gay daughter. Oh, the sacrifice.
Cheney used his 30-second rebuttal to
simply thank Edwards. Then they kissed.
Although John Edwards fared much
better in the debate, he was still flawed.
In claiming that the administration
lobbied Congress to cut the pay of troops
while they were on the ground in Iraq,
Edwards erred in that the lobbying never
happened, according to FactCheck.org.
Speaking of FactCheck.org, Cheney
gave billionaire philanthropist George
Soros a much needed endorsement when
he instructed his minions of debate
watchers to verify his statements at
FactCheck.com, an empty URL that

 

Although Edwards came out of the
debate looking like an adolescent about to
have sex for the first time—shaky, awk-
ward, easily distracted, and wearing the
biggest shit-eating grin ever worn—it was
Cheney who misfired early and often,
leaving the Bush-Cheney campaign feel-
ing a little soft.

In the heaviest hit yet landed in any of
the debates, Cheney scored big by attack-
ing Edwards’ attendance record in the
Senate. Over the past year, Edwards has
missed 33 of 36 Senate hearings. As the
Senate leader—one of the roles the Vice
President plays—Cheney claimed that
Edwards was so absent that “the first time
[he] ever met [Edwards] was when [he]
walked on stage” at the debate. Sadly,
that’s not so. A video from a Senate prayer
breakfast in 2001 shows Cheney sitting
next to Edwards, shortly before he thanks
Edwards for attending. Nice one, Dick.

Cheney also fudged the numbers on

transfers to

www.georgesoros.com
instead—a site that leads with the head-
line “Why We Must Not Re-elect George
Bush.”

The whole debate was a rehashing of
campaign slogans and fuzzy math, and
isn't it super embarrassing when someone
catches you massaging the numbers while
math-debating?

It’s a Jail Thing

Convicted domestic diva Martha Stewart
checked in to her low-security digs early
Friday morning, arriving eight hours
before her scheduled entry in order to
avoid a media circus.

Martha will be wearing a low-thread-
count cotton weave complemented by
thin pinstripes to elongate her legs, a
quaint number bar bearing 55170-054,
and matching accessories consisting of a
matte steel mug, stubby pencils (that can

double as delightful hair pins or makeshift
shivs), and her very own seatless porcelain
crapper.

Upon her 6:15am entrance to the
prison, known affectionately as “Camp

 

Cupcake” in Alderson, West Virginia,
Martha was subjected to a routine strip
search, complete with a “squat and cough”
to look for contraband—like cookies,
cardigans, and directions for the perfect
summer mint julep. Martha is in Camp
Cupcake to serve a five-month sentence
for lying about her shady stock-market
dealings. Ironically, had Martha admitted
culpability when originally charged, she
would have only faced a light fine. What a
badass—totally cutthroat and she makes a
mean batch of muffins. It reminds me of a
certain Other Press editor.

Camp Cupcake, whose nickname has
been around since before the Martha era,
is home to 1,055 female inmates convict-
ed of non-violent federal crimes ranging
from dealing crack to concealing firearms.
Inside, there is a group of troublemakers
known as the “DCs” who are undoubted-
ly chomping at the bit to get their hands
on the media mogul. Most of the inmates
hale from the Washington, DC, area, a
region that my 6'3", 235lb, scared white-
boy friend who lives there won't even fuck
with.

Good luck, Martha. And whatever you
do, don’t drop the soap—I don’t care what
kind of special chamomile tealeaf herbal
aloe blend it is, just let it go.

DUnEPPPeSs | 7