humour // 23

issue 14 / volume 40

 

 

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‘Vapeen
Pee ee

¥

haat

Netflix data predicts world
domination by next quarter

Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

 

Bx on analysts’ latest
subscriber projections, the
popular on-demand Internet
streaming media company,
Netflix, is expected to dominate
the entire civilized world by the

phase will involve introducing
more features, such as the “TV
shows and movies that are
actually good” package, which
is currently available only to US
subscribers. Another package
in the works will include more
subcategories such as “TV
shows to binge watch while
wearing pyjamas instead
of doing homework” and
“Movies constantly watched by
unemployed stoners who use
their friends’ accounts instead
of buying their own.”

Netflix is also beta-testing
a premium option that involves
paying an additional $2 a
month. In exchange, Netflix

a giant raised middle finger to
your former cable TV provider
every month. Another option,
designed for college students,

will include sending users a

: jar and funnel for bathroom

: needs, as well as a jar of Nutella
: and Thermos full of coffee.

: Executives suggest that with

: this package, “students will

: never need to leave their beds—
: or Netflix—ever again!”

Netflix hopes these planned

: innovations will allow them to

: seize control of all inhabited

: countries and enter a new era

second quarter of 2014. The first: of populations being mass
: controlled through hypnotic

: messages inserted into the third

: season of Gossip Girl.

When asked for comment,

: recently unemployed

: programmer Ivan Lowlife said

: “Does this mean The Simpsons

: will finally come to Netflix? I’ve
: already watched all of Family

: Guy twice, and a new show

: would keep me busy for a week
: or so.” Pressed for an opinion

: about a corporation seizing

: control of the world, he replied,
: “Look, man, as long as I’ve got

: my laptop, I’m good.”

Previous attempts to

: enslave the world were

: attempted by Blockbuster,

. : : HBO, Shaw On Demand, Hulu,

would send a streaming video of : .
: and Amazon Instant Video.

: These companies all failed in

: gaining control except in areas

: known as “the backwoods,” :

: “the Prairies,” “Mississippi, and :

: “Edmonton, Alberta” :

Netflix’s data shows 90

: per cent of users are already

: directly plugged into their

: Matrix, and it’s much too late
: to escape. “Even if someone

: cancels their account... forgets
: their password... they’ll be back
: before you can say ‘unlimited

: streaming. What else do you

: think they'll use? Telus TV?!”

: said the Netflix CEO, before

: laughing maniacally.

However, the remaining

: 10 per cent of free viewers are
: found to all originate from

: Canada. As one Canadian

: subscriber put it, “After you

: marathon Breaking Bad and

: Mad Men, there really isn’t

: much good to watch anymore
: on there, eh?”

Currently, Netflix is

: preparing for war against

: another website poised for a

: world domination—this one

: based on anarchy and a lack

: of money. This foe is “like

: Netflix, except cheaper, with

: more content and less worries

: of ‘legality.” As this issue went
: to press, The Pirate Bay (TPB)

: had fired cannons into Netflix
: territory; Netflix responded by
: sending in an anonymous tip to
: TPB’s Internet service provider.

ahaa,

 

By Ed Appleby

You

Comedy Classics

» Marshmallow People 3

 

 

 
  

Joel McCarthy

=, Graphics Manager
a4 graphics
@theotherpress.ca

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur9jLK_6EcY

From the creator of such great YouTube classics as “Charlie
the Unicorn” and “Llamas with Hats” comes a heart-warming
tale of Marshmallow People just trying to find something

to eat. Much like the creator’s previous work, this innocent
animated tale somehow takes a dark turn for the worst—and
ends up being hilariously creepy.

Enjoy!