Timeline: then vs. now

» How far we’ve come this semester

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
© humour@theotherpress.ca

 

i memorial of the naive,

eager, young, student that walked through

those college doors on a bright September day.
You will be missed.

First day of school, September 5
Two weeks left, November 17
7:30 Wake up. Class is at 9:30, don’t
want to be late. No idea when the bus
comes, need to have some extra time.
7:30 Asleep
7:35 Shower, shampoo, soap, brush teeth.
7:45 Blue pants. Black pants? Blue pants.
8:00 breakfast. Eggs, bacon, toast, orange juice.
Read a bit of the paper. Check the bus schedules.
Plan out a trip so you'll still make it even if you
miss both busses and have to wait for the next.
8:30 Make the first bus. Miss the second. Make the
second second. Get to school half an hour early.
8:30 First alarm. Snooze.

age via thinkstock

miss your first class. Have a slight
inner struggle. Your prof doesn’t take
attendance, and there’s no quiz. Snooze.
9:00 Wander the halls anxiously.
9:25 Show up to class, not too early, but early
enough to get a seat at the back. Look around.
Try not to make weird eye contact.
9:30-10:20 Take notes, memorize the syllabus,
jot down what textbook is needed.
10:30 go to book store. Wait in
lineup. Get textbook.
10:30 Snooze
10:35 Snooze
10:40 Snooze
10:45 Wake up
10:45 Wander the halls, find your second
class, wander around a bit more until it starts.
Use the washroom. Buy a coffee so you look
sophisticated. Use the washroom again.
10:45-11:04 Shower, dress, leave
textbooks on desk; they're too heavy.
Grab two mandarin oranges to eat on
the bus, stuff some leftover pasta in a
Tupperware for lunch, catch the bus.
11:05 Catch the northbound, get off and start
walking towards school. Check at every
stop if the westbound bus is close, but keep
moving just in case the damn bus is full.
11:25 Go into class, sit near someone who was in
your other class. Make awkward conversation.
11:25 Watch the bus fly by you. “Sorry asshole,
bus full.” Text your buddy to mark your
name down on the attendance sheet your
prof insists on having. Keep on trekking.
11:30-12:20 Take notes, memorize the syllabus,
listen intently. Laugh when appropriate.
11:37-12:20 Show up late, take your seat, Snapchat,
check Twitter, ask a question pertaining to what
the prof is talking about so he remembers back
to you being there and “actively participating.”
Browse on your Macbook, make it look like
you're taking notes on it. Show buddy beside
you the muted cat video. Go to the washroom,

12:20-1:30 Spend $10 on lunch from the

cafeteria. Wander around with some other

people whose names you forgot but who obviously
don’t want to be spending lunch alone, either.
Awkwardly decide to eat somewhere outside.

12:20-1:30 Heat up your leftovers at the microwave,

grab a free fork and squirt of sriracha from the
sushi lounge. Meet the gang by the couches.
Buddy isn't going to finish his lunch, call dibs.
1:25 Go to class, realize some of these strangers
are in the same class, make more small talk.
1:30-3:20 Take notes, memorize the syllabus,
listen intently. Laugh when appropriate.
1:30-4:00 Skip class, head to the library.
Get another coffee. Get shit done.
4:05 Head home, warm up some
more leftover pasta. Binge watch
Netflix until you hate yourself
enough to do more work.
3:25 Go home, do homework, make
a meal. Clean up. Do some readings
in the textbook. Binge watch Netflix
once everything is done.

8:45 Realize if you don't get up now youll

grab a coffee, read a bit of the paper.

  

Image via thinkstock

 

Breaking: Sports team does sport

» Group of millionaires succeeds in defeating other group of millionaires

: triumphant in the early part of

: the activity you used to play for
: fun when you were a kid. They

: managed to put the specific

: object in the specific scoring

: area to gain points that actual

: people wager actual money on

: in their actual lives. They gained
: ascore that was a bad amount

: for the “good” group of men you
: were cheering for, though not

: enough of a score to warrant

: you becoming disinterested

: in the ultimate outcome!

: Then, halfway through

: the game, one of the more

: prominent members of

: the group of men you like

: managed a feat of absolute

: heroics. He put the object

: in the designated place and

: scored points for the team that

: adjacently represents you!

5; It was really looking like the
: beginnings of a true underdog

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca

ow! Holy! Excitement!

Last night at the big
building with a lot of seats,
the sports team most closely
adjacent to the place where
you live or possibly grew up—
or where your father possibly
lived or grew up—defeated
a team that represents a
place where neither you nor
your father ever lived!

It was a close one, with
the group of grown men you've
come to know and idolize
working hard against another
group of men that you know
somewhat well, though not
well enough to care for.

The other group of men
seemed like they would be

: story. Just like all those movies
: you used to watch asa kid,

: that had heroes, and evil

: Russians, and the occasional

: dog or monkey. This real life

: thing was setting up to become
: exactly like that, and there

: was nothing more you would

: ever want in your entire life,

: nothing at all that could ever

: make you happier than this.

Nearing the end of the

: allotted time, what seemed like
: a miracle occurred. One of the

? men—a man who didn’t usually
: put the object in the space,

: and was generally in charge of

: keeping the object out of the

: bad space for the object to be—
: managed somehow to place the
: object in the good space! Tens

: of thousands of people who had
: spent upwards of 200 dollars

: each to witness this event occur
: in person were on their feet and

 

 

 

: smacking their hands in unison! :

The man who had

accomplished this feat was
: held in high regards for the

 

entire rest of the night, and
? many somewhat poisonous
: beverages were bought and
: consumed in great celebration.

Illustration by Ed Appleby