By Jay Schreiber

ith Canadian content laws in

effect, it is required by law

that all radio and TV stations
show at least 35% of home grown
material, which in musical standards
doesn’t leave much to be desired. I’ll be
the first to admit, Canada doesn’t produce
music at the same level as other western
civilizations. For rock and pop, the
United States takes the cake as having
the best audible scene, and any Canadian
that is smart enough will move south of
the border to make their living, and won’t
complain when the U.S. stakes claim on
them.

On the list of decent Canadian acts
that have achieved noteworthy calibre on
this continent are Joni Mitchell, Leonard
Cohen, the Guess Who and Neil Young
(that is when he doesn’t sound like a
woman). Canada is known for having a
decent indie scene, but we all know that

They're not even hip, and that's just tragic!
Worst Canatiian rock group of all time
are behind by a century

none of that gets
recognized 50 miles
outside of where it
was recorded.

This brings me
to the Tragically Hip, one of the worst
Canadian bands in the history of our
nation, the kind of band that makes me
want to pack up, head down south and
vote Republican. I’ve had to deal with
all sorts of pathetic excuses about the

   

/

Tragically Hip such as, “But I love the
way they rock out” or “Their story telling
is important to Canada’s heritage,” or my
personal favourite, “You just don’t like
them because they’re Canadian!” People
who talk this way make me want to puke,
record it and sell it to Classic Rock 101
as the new Hip single.

So what specifically do I have
against them? Well, for starters every
song sounds the same. It’s all in four-four
time with the same rock groove and the
same form. The guitar solos always fall
in the same places, and every eight bars
the form changes slightly after a drum
fill. I can’t make any damn sense of what
the lyrics are supposed to mean; in fact,

Bed.

I can’t even understand what he’s saying
half of the time! With a career that spans
over 26 years, you would think that this
group might consider diversifying just a
little.

Alright, lyrics. Let’s examine a
little ditty from their hit “Blow at High
Dough:” “Out at the speedway, same
Elvis thing. Well I can’t catch her, but
I can get behind anything.” Excuse me,
“Well I can get behind anything?” Does
anyone want to explain to me what the
hell he’s talking about? And what does
he mean by that “same Elvis thing?”
Great Canadian content, boys, making
reference to one of the United States’
greatest musical acts, a soul and gospel
singer from the Deep South.

Now, a first; I will give simple
instructions on how to make your own
Tragically Hip song: first take a drummer
(any one will do, he just needs to know
how to hit the things) and get him to
play a straight beat with a drum fill at

the end of four bars. Stop him and
loop that for four minutes. Take your
guitarist and bassist and have them
play power chords or root notes over

the drum beat, and have them do that
for eight bars. Now for the fun part: get
a tone deaf vocalist and set him up as
close to a microphone as you can. Have
him wail out random bullshit with a few
references thrown in while repeatedly
stabbing himself in the gut with a blunt
object (I find a spoon works best). With
some simple editing you should have
the makings of the next Tragically Hip

 

As a die-hard Canucks fan, I also
take a special disliking to this group as
they are Leafers, each and every one of
them. Occasionally, the Hip have been
known to perform on stage wearing
Maple Leafs jerseys, masochistically
supporting that team of losers.

I can only hope that the great people
of this beautiful country can share the
same view that I do in agreeing that the
Tragically Hip are not only a burden to
Canadian society but continue to give our
musicians a bad name with their ever-
repeated guitar lick. In 2005 they were
inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of
Fame; now that’s just tragic...