i 10

 

LN

How to get a life

» When in doubt, wear yourself out

=

Have an idea for a story?
M humour@theotherpress.ca

humour // no. 23

¢ How to get a life
¢ The Kidspiracies

..and more

 

Sonam Kaloti
Arts Editor

 

ave you ever taken a moment ona

Monday morning to smell the roses
and suddenly realized it’s Friday two
months later and all you have marked
on your calendar is National Donut Day?
Perhaps you meant to smell the roses but
you tripped and the thorns in your side
kept you in bed for months unable to get
up, becoming so used to the thorns that
you felt as though you were one, and you
no longer needed the roses—in fact, you
figured you'd never smell them again—
until one day your mind said “Hey, get up,”
and you saw the sun again. Well, that’s
great and all until you see everyone you
know frolicking in the garden with no band
aids or scars and youre reminded, “Damn...
I’m behind.’ Well then, it’s time to pick
yourself back up, silly.

You've got energy again (finally) and
your manic mind is ready to take on the
challenge of getting a life. Here’s how to fill
your schedule up so much that your friends
will need to make an appointment to see
you, because that’s what we want, you

future busy bee, you.

Step1

Apply to med school... just for kicks.

No, it’s not for your actual career (youre
already in a fall/winter program at school
in an Art program). This is so you actually
earn money someday. Register in another
college for some online summer courses
and realize you have to do three pre-
requisite courses and cry. Then spend $140
ona textbook. Then cry again. Chin up—
happy tears.

Step 2

Take Biology 12 at an adult learning centre.
Youre telling me you took Earth Science for
a reason and really really don’t want to go
back to high school after finally escaping
that treacherous place? Well, you've got the
energy and drive now, so face your fears. It’s
just pictures of bloody internal organs—
and who doesn’t want to memorize what
the mitochondria is? Besides, you already
know, don’t you?

Step 3
Your courses start in a couple weeks so you
still feel too free and believe you can fly. All

good—just become a volunteer. Maybe you
wanted to volunteer somewhere hands-on
so you could be active. Looks like the only
position available is in an office. You're

still helping people, though—right? (Does
it make you a bad person to not take the
opportunity? Don’t ask me.)

Step 4

You need a job in the meantime. Spend
hours trying to list the perfect interests on
your resume to make yourself seem both
fun but also reliable.

Step 5

You should probably do something about
those thorns in your side... they're not
looking too good. Oh, and something
about those ghosts you keep talking to
that tickle your head and tell you to fulfill a
mission from God himself. Call a doctor.

Step 6
Buy a bigger calendar.

Step 7

Go to the ER three times after you get a
terrible allergic reaction to the medication
your doctor put you on. Flowers are the

worst. After another week of being bound
to your bed surrounded by Tylenol,

Advil, and Claritin for that rash, you burn
down the garden and decide to take up
skateboarding instead.

Step 8

Get blackmailed by a family member to
renovate their house. Suddenly youre
building a shed every evening.

Step 9
What day is it?

Step 10

No call backs yet but have hope! Someone’s
got to hire you—just look at your work
ethic!

Step 11

You've achieved your goal! Congratulations,
your voicemails are so full your friends
can’t even leave messages to make
appointments. You have so much of a life
that you haven't slept in days because you
want to be living all the time. Maybe buy
acactus. You can’t smell it, so there’s no
future danger, obviously. It’s time to grind,
baby!