issue 28// vol 45 humour // no. 17 Every single mom confused. about popular franchises » ‘What is a star war? Do the stars fight?’ ask mothers everywhere Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor M illions of moms worldwide are planning to make their voices heard next Sunday about confusing franchises that are sweeping the nation. “We're here and we're taking a stand about how confusing everything has been lately,’ Kathy Hopper, mother of three, told Other Press reporters. “How are we supposed to keep up with pop culture while also being mothers and caregivers to our children?” Moms had an especially tough go this year when subjected to the final season of Game of Thrones and the finale of the Avengers films. “How is Game of Thrones still going? Was that the show where the brother and sister were having ‘relations?’ ] banned that in our household,” Rebecca Schifter, mother of two children and three dogs, told reporters. “T really like that Chris Pratt, though,” Schifter added. Why do mothers find it so hard to keep up with pop culture? Other Press reporters spoke to Lynne Redford, neurologist, for the inside scoop. “As soon as someone becomes a mother, they access a part of their brain known as the ‘mother quadrant,” Redford said. “It’s the same part of the brain used in the Ferber Method, where mothers have to ignore their child's cries so they don’t become codependent. This quadrant flares up when confronted with information that is deemed ‘non-crucial; and instead of hearing about who will eventually take the Iron Throne, they hear adult contemporary music such as Elton John or Corey Hart. I have no children myself and am very Three worst places to find a summer fling » Keep looking, you ugly loser! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Lo is in the air... but everyone who is conventionally attractive and mentally stable has already found a partner. That’s right, dear reader. You're left to forage through scraps and find someone with enough to cobble together to make a codependent relationship that will ultimately fail once the weather turns bad. However, should that keep you from finding a summer fling? Absolutely not! 100 percent of scientists agree that 97 percent of people are horned up during the summer months. That’s why you should get it while the going’s good! Don't know where to look? Me neither! But I DO know where you shouldn't look—so feast your dun, misshapen eyes on my list! Farmers market Do you honestly think you'll find your meet-cute over a pile of organic zucchini? Think again! Though it might sound dreamy to think of a prospective partner’s hand grazing yours over a wicker basket of heirloom tomatoes, a study conducted by me and me alone found that every single person in a farmers market at any given time has been ina relationship for 17 years. If you're whole-heartedly at a farmers market with a reusable tote bag and an artfully distressed jean jacket, you're normal enough to trick someone into dating you. The two of you probably enjoy other normal, wholesome activities such as walking the seawall, taking each other’s parents out for high tea, and missionary sex. Feel like testing my theory? Go ahead! Head toa market and lock eyes with a cutie—I guarantee their partner has stopped behind a pile of artisan honey to chat with a stall owner. Ice cream parlour Though the idea of meeting someone while buying an extremely sensual food item might sound nice, think of the implications of having to eat a phallic, dairy-based dessert in public. To begin, every ice cream parlour somehow has three minor league baseball teams in them at any given time. Secondly, have you ever eaten an ice cream cone with any manner of decorum or class? Imagine the horrors of trying to eat a chocolate ice cream cone! No quantity of napkins can save you from that gross ring around the corner of your lips. Also, everybody knows only the hottest, meanest high school girls are given the job of ice cream scooper. One scathing look from a 16-year-old who looks like an Instagram model and you remember how dairy gives you cystic acne and that you'll probably be alone forever. Nude beach Cut out the middleman, am I right? “A nude beach sounds like a great idea to scope out some hotties,” you think to yourself. What better way to find other like-minded individuals who live a carefree lifestyle? And at the very least, you'll see some hot bods! WRONG. During my six-hour stay at Wreck Beach I saw more sad testicles than I’ve ever seen in my adult life, and I went to Shambala last summer. All the hot people are actually allowed to go to a private, sectioned-off corner of the beach where they can all frolic unencumbered by the likes of me. All others are forced to look at someone who greatly resembles their grandpa Doug wearing, oddly enough, socks, a cowboy hat, and nothing else. Just like grandpa Doug used to do! excited to see Endgame.” Keeping this in mind, it’s no surprise that mothers around the globe are revolting against the current state of affairs. “Just because we don't know who Thanos is doesn’t mean that we're dumb,” Hopper said. “You sure didn’t think I was dumb when I was changing your sheets at 1am because you wet the bed until you were eight.” “I tried watching some of the Avengers movies, but there were just too many characters to keep straight,” Schifter said. “Tm supposed to memorize them all, but you can't even remember my birthday?” Is there any hope for reconciliation between franchise superfans and their worried mothers? “Maybe it'll be okay,” Hopper said. “Mother’s Day is coming up, after all. Instead of all this space violence and old- timey talking, we could take a nice walk in the park, or have lunch at that new tapas place down the street. And then, if you still feel like watching something, why don't we put on a nice Julia Roberts movie? How about Notting Hill? You used to love Notting Hill.” During the time of interviews, fathers were unable to comment as they were reading their dog-eared copies of Patrick O’Brian’s Master and Commander for the 63rd time in the garage while drinking a lukewarm beer. Summer trend alert: Mild alcoholism > ‘It’s not really day drinking if the days are just really long’ Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor was a wild year for popular trends, with TikTok, 201 minimalism, kombucha, and the leopard- print midi skirt taking the world by storm. “Trends are spreading faster than ever, thanks to accessible forms of social media such as Instagram and Twitter,” Trend Forecaster Suzie Bellingham told Other Press reporters at a press conference last Tuesday. “With posts going viral every single week, it’s hard to keep track of what’s in and what’s out.” Not wanting to be caught unawares, reporters asked Bellingham what she thought the biggest trend would be for summer 2019. “That’s easy,’ Bellingham said. “The biggest and boldest social movement this summer will be a steep upward incline of mild alcoholism and alcohol dependency.” Bellingham isn’t wrong. In fact, at least 89 percent of young adults from the ages of 19 to 25 have gotten crazy blasted in the past four weeks. “We're seeing people getting absolutely crunk as hell on Wednesday, Tuesday nights. Even as early as two in the afternoon.’ Bellingham said. “We're talking straight wrecked.” What is it about the summer that makes people reach for the bottle? “Nothing beats the heat like an ice-cold beer,” Bellingham said. “And sometimes when the city is hot and there’s nothing else going on, you just gotta crack a cold one with the boys.” But is summer really the best time to start drinking as a hobby? According to the most indisputable science and questionable social norms, it is, said Bellingham. “When you look at other seasons, such as the fall or even Christmastime, drinking alone is seen as sad or a symptom of something more nefarious, like depression or non-mild alcoholism,” Bellingham said. “Picture this: A man drinks alone on Christmas day, staring at a withered old tree on the street. Now picture this: A man drinks alone on a beautiful summer day, staring at a beautiful, luscious cherry blossom tree. Which seems more socially appropriate?” Other Press reporters talked to local youngsters to get the inside scoop. “Everyone has had those kinds of evenings, you know the ones,” skateboard ruffian Julian Saunders told reporters. “It’s 25 degrees, 4 pm, and the air just feels really heavy. You can hear the bees buzzing and everything, real serene and beautiful. What other way is there to celebrate Mother Nature's glory than drinking a 40 and throwing up on a public sidewalk?” “Me and my girls love going for pitchers of sangria,” Jennifer Hewitt, Cactus Club server, told local press. “But we make sure to only drink to commemorate big life events to keep our calories down. In the past week we've gone out to celebrate Natalia getting engaged, Jade’s cat’s successful surgery, Emma's work promotion, and Natalia’s broken engagement. Only the best for my girls!” But is this alcohol dependence sustainable? “No,” said Bellingham as she chugged a bottle of red wine. “That’s why we, as a nation, have to go as hard as humanly possible during the three months of summer we have. During the winter we can switch back to smoking weed. Hey, does anybody want to do a shot?”