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Nations band together to create
Amazon stump sanctuary

> ‘We have finally created a project we can all get behind’

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

Coun Peru, and China have
joined forces to protect a large
portion of the Amazon rainforest by
turing it into a stump sanctuary.

“After years of heated debates and
arguments, we have finally come toa
decision that is beneficial to everyone,”
stated Joan Acrida, head of “Project Stump.”
“We really think this project was worth
all the time and money we put into it.

It’s just too bad we didn’t put more effort
into trying to make up a better name.”

The Amazon rainforest covers much
of northwestern Brazil and extends into
Colombia, Peru, and other South American
countries. Project Stump will get rid of
most of that and, in its place, create a
safer, more family-friendly environment
in the hopes of drawing in more tourism.

“Something we hear over and over is
that the Amazon rainforest is ‘unsafe; and
no one wants to go in there because of all the
‘dangerous bite-y things. Well, we hope by
clearing all that weird stuff out we can make
something everyone can really enjoy—I
mean, who doesn't like stumps? They're
safe, easy, and fun for the whole family!”

Jackson Errik, head of the world’s
largest paper company, “Leaf it to Us,”

 

is reported to also be in support of this
project, stating that “I believe a stump
sanctuary is the best thing that can happen
to that rainforest. The Amazon is filled
with weird animals and environments
I do not understand, nor do I care to
learn about. It’s all super gross.’ Errik has
generously offered his tree removal and
processing services to the project free of
charge, stating that he will do anything
to “make the project move faster.”

A concrete timeline for Project
Stump is still being made, but the team

is confident that the project will be done

in two to five years. “You'd be surprised
how easy it is to chop trees down and drive
animals out of areas,” said Acrida. “Animals
are dumb; all you need are a bunch of

loud machines and they’re out of there.”

Despite the vast benefits this
sanctuary offers, some environmentalists
state that it’s still not enough.

“How do we know the Amazon stumps
will actually be safe from loggers?” asked
environmentalist, Alice Jackson. “They say
they're protected now, but will it actually be

Depression meals: Send noods

> Ramen recipe

Mercedes Deutscher
Social Media Coordinator

 

Ingredients:
One package of instant noodles
Salt (you own tears
may be substituted)
One egg

Hold package of noodles. Deliberate
for 40 minutes over whether or not
you really want to cook the noodles or
just crush them up and eat them dry.

Eventually start to open noodles.
Struggle with open the packaging
due to the fact that you lost your
scissors last week and never got
around to finding them. Finally open
package, allowing loose noodles
to spill out onto the counter.

Fill a pot with two inches of water.
Place un-cracked egg in water. Ask Siri
to set a timer for four minutes because
that is how long Google said it would
take to soft boil an egg. After asking five
times, set the damn timer yourself.

On another element on your stove,
boil some water in a sauce pan. Ensure
you do not have the correct amount
of water for the noodles. Too little
or too much is fine, but be certain
that it is the incorrect amount.

Watch the water reach boiling
temperature as you think about
the pile of dirty laundry on your
floor that you need to wash. Assure
yourself that you can always buy more
socks and underwear, and feel good
about the fact that your favourite
sweater doesn't smell that bad yet.

Take egg out of boiling water after
four minutes. Cool egg down quickly
by placing it in a bowl of ice water.

In your other pot of boiling water,
pour in package of noodles. Painfully
retrieve seasoning packet that fell in
the boiling water with noodles. Set
aside. Poke at noodles with a fork until
they break apart and become limp.

Pour in seasoning packet and adjust

temperature to minimum. You don't
want your noodles and soup to get cold.
Take egg out of cold water and
use a teaspoon to crack and peel shell.
Somehow find part where the egg white
is still a little uncooked. Try to gently
remove shell from this area and panic
when it opens and drips liquid yolk.
Panic and throw egg into the ramen.
Turn off heat and remove pot
filled with overcooked noodles,
broth, and liquid egg.
Season your ramen with salt, or
your tears caused by how you can

never get the boiled egg right. Evolve
this into a crisis where you cry about
not being able to get anything right

in your life. Realize that you area
disappointment to your friends and
family, and that you take so much more
than you give back. In order to properly

 

 

(¥ Letter to the Editor: Cannibalism is fine

(¥ ‘The suburban ‘90s moms were right,’ say
Wizards of the Coast
(YY Comics!

And more!

Illustration by Max Foss

protected hundreds of years down the
line? I think we should demand that they
create a law promising the protection of
these stumps for a thousand years.”
Although confused by the demand,
Acrida has promised members of the
concerned public that they will create a
law promising the permanent safety of the
stumps. “Whatever the public wants, really,
it doesn’t matter to us. Stumps are stumps.”
The public signing of the contract
will take place at the end of the month.

season you will need to make sure your
tears fall directly into the ramen.

Pour ramen into a bow] and take
into your room along with fork or
chopsticks. Lay in bed and eat some
of the noodles before placing bowl
on your bedside table for two days.

Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly