Your Horoscopes

>In a word... your future

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

ere at the Other Press, we don't always have tons of space for long,
detailed horoscopes that tell you all you need to know for your coming
days. Instead, this month, our in-house psychic has used the “random”
option on urbandictionary.com, and applied whatever word (unrelated
to an unholy sex act) to come up as your horoscope for the month!

IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS THIS MONTH...
“pleb’—a member of a despised social class, a commoner.

   

TAURUS
(April 21 - May 21)

“birthday’—you should know this one.

CANCER
(June 22 — July 23)

 

“twinflame”—like a soulmate, but... not? Defined
as the other half of your same soul.

 

 

Have an idea for a story?
M humour@theotherpress.ca

«)

   
 
 
 
   
   
  
  

VIRGO
(Aug. 24 — Sept. 23)

LIBRA
(Sept. 24 — Oct. 23)

SCORPIO
(Oct. 24 — Nov. 22)

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 21 — Feb. 19)

PISCES
(Feb. 20 — Mar. 20)

Lazy student awarded medal of
honour for perfect lateness excuse

> Hundreds jealous they didn’t think of it first

Jessica Berget
Staff Writer

 

Contronted with hastening deadlines,
an overbooked schedule, and the
overwhelming urge to do absolutely
nothing, one especially lazy student,
Kate Tardy, has accomplished the near
impossible: the perfect excuse for
lateness.

“Tt just came to me,” she claimed
during an interview. “There I was, just
hanging out by myself for another
evening of doing literally nothing but
re-watching my favourite shows for
the 10th time and scrolling through

Instagram, thinking about all the work

IT had to do and what little time I had

to do it. I was trying to think of how

I could procrastinate and do nothing

for even longer, and then it hit me! The

perfect excuse to tell my professors and

employers why all my work will be late

this week. Now I can do nothing for

another couple of days before the stress

of doing all of my work at the very last

minute suffocates and possibly kills me.”
A true feat for human kind. No

excuse will ever be accepted again. The

Other Press tracked down Kate’s boss

and professors to find out if the excuse in

question is really as perfect as they say.

“Tt makes every other excuse look
like complete garbage,” stated Kate’s
boss, Dennis Employerman. “After
hearing Kate’s excuse I don’t think I
could accept any other employee’s excuse
ever again. They all pale in comparison
to hers. I had one employee tell me
their work was going to be late because
they had to attend a family member’s
funeral... What kind of lame ass excuse
is that? I can think of no one better to
award the medal of honour to than Kate.
Isn't this why they have the award in the
first place?”

“Her excuse really blew me away,”
declared Professor Professorman. “There

Summer gothic

(¥ The ‘somewhere’ where it’s 5 o'clock

(¥ Lower Mainland develops PDA rating
system

And more!

“sober’—a state in which you are not under the
influence of any intoxicating substance.

“railer’—used to describe a bad situation.

“. . ” . . ses
nevermind’—expression meaning “it doesn't
matter, or wasn't that important.”

“déja vu’—the feeling that the joke you're experiencing
is a joke you've already experienced.

“tits up”—when something has gone terribly wrong. Well, now.
That’s about on par with Sagittarius. Good luck this month, too!

was nothing I could say or do to dispute
it. ] couldn't ask for a doctor’s note, I
couldn't ask her to prove it in any way, all
I could do was just... accept it. It truly is
the perfect excuse.”

They say the perfect excuse doesn’t
exist, but Kate has undoubtedly proven
this to be untrue. The Other Press
followed up with Kate to ask about the
success of her perfect excuse and her
work, to which she replied “Oh yeah,
shit, I didn’t do any of that.”

The award ceremony was set for
Wednesday, May 31 at 7:00 p.m, to which
Kate arrived an hour and a half late, this
time with no excuse.