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Newspaper industry in decline, leading
to many cutbacks along paper routes

> Young paper deliverers being laid off

Chandler Walter
Assistant Editor

 

he print newspaper has

long been a dying industry,
ever since the radio shoved it
towards its slow descent into
irrelevance. Now the modern era
of technology has come to stomp

it to the very depths of its demise.

Papers that had long
heralded the news to all who had
the eyes and curiosity to pick
up an issue have been closing
their doors. Some have turned
into fully web-based models,
others have been swallowed up
by kindred publications as a
financial Hail-Mary. An unlucky
many have died off completely,
gone from front-doors and mail
slots across the country.

While this tragic reality is
a severe blow to an educated
democracy, none feel the daggers
of dead words and inkless
papers more than those whose
job, duty, and honour it was to
physically bring the news to the

people. Paper route carriers have

been hit—and hit hard—by the
slow and utter decay of printed
news, with many being laid off
from jobs that had spanned
generations.

“My brother, he passed the
job down to me,” said Charlie

Ackleson, 13, who had delivered

the New Westminster News

Leader to his neighborhood, “and

I had been planning on passing
the job down to my little brother
as well, but...” Ackleson had tears
trickling down his cheeks, and
his silence spoke louder than any
words he could have mustered to
describe what losing his job was
like.

Ackleson is merely a drop in
the bucket, as many more paper
deliverers like him have fallen

 

 

victim of the same misfortune.

“] just don’t know what I’m
going to do,” said Timmy Buckley,
a 12-year-old carrier who had
been at his job for an entire 6
months before getting the bad
news. “I’ve got some savings, but I
don’t know how long that’s going
to last. | have hamsters that need
to be fed, a bike that needs a new
bell... I’m in deep here.” Buckley

Canadian Geese proven to absorb the
repressed rage of the Canadian public

> Findings provide an explanation for geese’s foul temper

Rebecca Peterson
Interim Humour Editor

 

A: fall sweeps through the
country, many feathered

citizens are driven south for the
winter, and the air is filled once
again with the malcontented
bleating of the horrific hell-
beasts we have embraced as
an iconic representative of
our mild-mannered nation.
As Canadians nurse wounds
garnered by these creatures
over the summer and bid
them a hearty farewell, one
question remains: why are
Canadian Geese so angry?
The answer? It might
actually be our fault.
“Canadians are, by nature,
non-confrontational,” scientist
Fred Ucktheis explained to the
Other Press during an exclusive

interview. “We're more likely
to apologize for something
someone does to us, than we
are likely to try to call them
out on it. However, what we
fail to take into account is that
all that excess energy has to go
somewhere. Unfortunately, it
seems geese have a sensitivity
to negative emotions, and they
reflect it in their behaviour.”
As part of his studies,
Dr. Ucktheis observed geese
behaviour around common
areas of hidden aggression—
crowded parking lots, for
example, as well as restaurants
with absurdly long waiting
times. While the Canadians
themselves seemed relatively
calm, treating one another
with respect and civility, the
geese were easily agitated and
aggressive, outright attacking

anyone unlucky enough to fall
within their line of sight.

“If Canadians were more
open with their emotions,
less eager to push that anger
aside, we might see an entirely
different attitude in these
geese,” Dr. Ucktheis concluded.
“With conflicts being resolved
more openly and honestly,
less negative energy would
be released into the wild
for unsuspecting geese to
absorb into their pathos.”

It should be noted that there

are no studies as of yet to see if
situations of outright aggression
result in calmer geese, but Dr.
Ucktheis has heard that in the
days following the tumultuous
Stanley Cup riot of 2011,

there was a sharp statistical
decline in hospitalizations

for geese-related injuries.

said that the financial support
from his parents helps during
these trying times, but that it’s
only a life-raft keeping him afloat
ina sea of uncertainty.

“I’ve been looking into where
I'll go from here,” Buckley said,
taking a long bite from a Popeye's
candy stick. “I have some buddies
down at the Herald that might
be able to get me on, but rumour
is they might be downsizing too,
cutting some neighborhoods. It’s
just tragic, you know? You think
you're doing something good,
something of value for the people
around here, and all you're met
with is layoff and disappearing
routes. It’s criminal.” Buckley
then took a long look to the west,
as though there was something
aching in his soul that he just
couldn't put words to, try though
he might.

“T just... | don’t like where
this world is heading,” he said,
just before riding off on his
bicycle, as the streetlights were
turning on and he had to be
home.

  

Illustration by Ed Appleby