humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

Kid blows hand off
with fireworks

» Successfully sued by public

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
© humour@theotherpress.ca

harlie Tapler, an u-year-old
boy from Port Coquitlam,
had a rather explosive Halloween
this year. Tapler had been
messing around with some
fireworks that he had obtained
from his friend’s older brother,
and accidentally blew his left
hand completely off of his body.
“It was gross, but like, really
cool at the same time,” said
Tapler’s friend, Justin Knox.
Knox’s brother had been the
one to supply the children with
fireworks, and has since been
in hiding. “His fingers just flew
in a whole buncha directions,
and there was a lot of blood. It
was like back when we exploded
that watermelon, only fleshier.”
Since the incident, firework
regulation has been made much
stricter in Port Coquitlam,
and a trial has commenced
against young Charlie Tapler.
Rick Chow, the legal
counsel for the prosecution,
has found legal cause to sue
Tapler for “totally ruining the
best part of Halloween,” with
many Port Coquitlam residents
filing their own cases against
the young, one-handed boy.
“We were going to have a
sweet-ass fireworks show on my
street!” said stay-at-home-dad
Greg Sommer. “Now, because
some kid loses a few fingers, we

: had to cancel it.” Sommer is suing :
: Tapler for gross injustice, and
: $5,000 in damages (the price he
: paid for the unused fireworks).

Rebecca Knox, mother of

: Justin and owner of the backyard
: where the incident occurred,

: says that she is suing Tapler

: for purely personal reasons:

: “The fact that that boy would

: tarnish my reputation and

: commit such a buzz-killing

: act in my own backyard is

: criminal! I can’t even find my

: eldest son. He was so ashamed

: that he was a part of making
: firework regulations stricter
: that he has gone into hiding

”

Charlie’s parents, Jon and

   

  

Anne, released this statement

: to the press shortly after
: Charlie was successfully tried
: and charged as an adult:

“We would like to apologize

: to all the residents of Port

: Coquitlam for the actions of our
: son. It was so totally not chill of
: him to do, and now Halloween

: will never be the same. We

: support the court’s decision, and
: feel that a few years in maximum
: security could really teach that

: trouble maker a lesson. Our

: thoughts and prayers are with

: all of you, and we hope that you
: will someday forgive Charlie,

: and recover from your super

: lame Halloween this year”

 

 

 

 

 

by David Manky, Senior Columnist

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