[Brandon Ferguson, Fake News Editor

ntering the Provincial Courts on Main Street in Vancouver on Aug 26, star hock-
py player Todd Bertuzzi wore a grey pinstriped suit, an open-necked dress shirt,
hnd his trademark scowl. But the burly Vancouver Canuck left-winger took crimi-

al matters into his own soft hands at the preliminary hearing, grinding in the legal
orners to shed a suffocating defense before driving hard to the front and jersey-
ng the judge in front of the home bench.

When Bertuzzi entered his plea of not-guilty, Judge Bill Kitchen was heard to
tter “and not a playoff performer either.” A murmur of laughter echoed around
he press gallery, consisting
ostly of journalists from
Toronto, including noted
lobe and Mail fucko Rod
fickleburgh. Bertuzzi lost it,

  
 
   
   
   
 
    
   
  

owered his head, and _ bar-
eled towards the judge.
The

brosecutor, a waif Swede who

Crown-appointed

s known for his cheap writ
york, tried unsuccessfully to
block Bertuzzi’s path. The
shed the
pwede like a pound of fat on
he Atkins’ diet, sending the

ulking winger

httorney backwards into the

rallery. With deft steps,
Bertuzzi--executed a spin-o-
ama on the first bailiff

before hedd-faking a second
but of his rent-a-cop jock-
trap. With all defenders out

  
   
  
    
 
 
  
   
    
   
   
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
    
   
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
    

bf his way, Bertuzzi ran out of
eal estate and circled in
behind the bench. Grabbing
Ihe judge’s hand, Bertuzzi
ooked top-shelf and took aim, saying to the judge: “It’s a matter of getting solid
roaltending and second-line production, your Honour,” at which point the bailiffs
ecovered their positions and rocked Bertuzzi from behind, crashing down upon
dge Kitchen.

The provincial court judge was only winded in the attack, though he could not
ecall if he was winded before or after the pile-up. The hearing was suspended for
lhe rest of the day, with no promise as to when proceedings would be reinstated.

The stunned silence of the courtroom erupted into raucous hoots and high-

ves outside the courthouse, as the Toronto contingent immediately began
peculating about what they actually saw happen.
“I think I saw a gun! I think I saw a gun!” Mickleburgh proclaimed, nearly
frothing at the mouth. “He could have unresolved issues with his father, maybe a
eep resentment of his mother. My God! I bet he could even be a bully with ties
p terrorism and kiddie porn. The possibilities are endless!”

Reached for comment, TSN SportsCentre anchorwoman Darren Dutchyshen
vas brief in his assessment. “He’s an ape. A big, sweaty, strong, manly ape with a
hw that could crack walnuts and eyes that could cut diamonds. Of course he’s
uilty. I bet he’s a latent homosexual too. Now excuse me, I’ve got make-up to
pply. Go Leafs.”

However, Mickleburgh cautioned against interpreting the attack too negative-

y—at least not until a Toronto consensus could be reached. This proved an
ffective strategy for the assault trial. Though video replays clearly show Bertuzzi
itting Moore from behind once, then attempting a second punch before covering
p in the scrum, Mickleburgh was able to interpret the original assault on Steve
foore as follows: “Mr. Moore fell heavily to the ice after being punched by Mr.
ertuzzi, who then jumped on him and began showering more blows on the
\valanche player.”
“We're reviewing the court drawings to see what charges may be laid,” said BC
httorney General Geoff Plant. “I haven’t looked at the drawings, nor do I even
ow if they’ve been finished. But once we’ve gauged the national media’s reac-
on to this event, I’m sure the drawings will depict whatever we want them to.”

For his outburst, Bertuzzi will likely be charged with murder, treason, and pos-
bly distribution of child pornography.

a2 2 TE HE mminmnanh

 

TAS §=6bO PBMISE, §6AUSe, «did §=6GOneSe
Bertuzzi Jerseys Judge: toronto Gets to Celebrate Something

Markus Naslund, captain of the Canucks and a good friend of Bertuzzi’s, was
unavailable for comment as he was playing in the World Cup of Hockey, where
almost all the best players in the world are playing for national pride. Naslund must
have high hopes for a long Swedish run at the tournament, though. When I went
to his house it looked like he’d packed almost everything to take with him to
Sweden.

So far’s the Canuck organization has been mum on the subject of this latest
legal mess. The only comments that could be secured came from Daniel and
Henrik Sedin, who both had
ample time to talk since they
were sent to Sweden’s press
box.

“T think they should be
patient with Todd,” Henrik
(I think) © said,
“That’s the only way any-
thing gets better: patience.
Lots and lots of patience.”

Daniel

adding:

contributed, orf
maybe it was Henrik, that it
would be beneficial if the
story got lots of play in the
media. “You know, playing
time is just as important as
patience when it comes to
resolving problems of any
kind.” Added Henrik, or
Daniel, after a thoughtful
pause: “Wah.”

It is not known when the
trial will resume play on the
national stage, nor is it

known what Bertuzzi thinks

about these new criminal pro-

ceedings. We’re all awaiting word from Toronto, who may be too busy not planning
for the Olympics to decide how the story ends.

*Dispatch from Toronto* Go Leafs go. End transmission

 

 

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