Your Horoscopes

> They are yours, and yours alone

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

| ere at the Other Press, we're
constantly questioning our futures.
That’s why we blow $10,000 of your tuition

ARIES
(March 21 — April 20)

Aries, due to the
alignment of the planets

  

this week, you may find
yourself craving strange things: Pickles,
Kalamata olives, the destruction of
capitalism, lime cheesecake. Treat
yourself by sating at least one of these
cravings, and maybe make a post on
Instagram about it! Connectivity is
crucial right now.

TAURUS
(April 21 —- May 21)

You may find yourself

  

feeling withdrawn this
week. This is due to the
effect your sentient shadow is having
upon your energy levels. You must

be stricter with it! Tell it to keep the
nighttime partying to a minimum. You'll
feel much better once you put your foot
down.

GEMINI

(May 22 — June 22)
All of your endeavours
will succeed this
week! Or fail. Or do

all right. It really depends

  

on how much effort you put into
things. That’s just kind of how life
works. Just know that if everything
goes poorly and you accidentally kick
off the nuclear holocaust, you tried
your best, and that’s what matters.

money every week to keep our in-house
psychic on retainer. Here’s what she

has to say about your impending doom
(“doom’” meaning “fate,” not necessarily
an indication of “how doomed you are,”
though the answer to that is “extremely”
if you really wanted to know).

CANCER
(June 22 — July 23)

Your future is looking
bright! Very bright.
Enormously, blindingly

  

bright. Hold on a sec—yep,

our psychic was looking too far into
the future, after the sun has expanded
to consume our world and the entirety
of human history with it. In light of
this, it’s hard to think of anything else.
Maybe have a hot chocolate to warm
your cold and frightened heart.

LEO
(July — Aug. 23)

Has anyone ever

  

told you that your

eyes look particularly
eye-like? It’s something

to think about. Your eyes just do a

really fantastic job of looking like

eyes, and we think that’s beautiful.

VIRGO
(Aug. 24 — Sept. 23)

Go drink a glass of water.
You're dehydrated.

 

 

Have an idea for a story?
M humour@theotherpress.ca

LIBRA
(Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)

You may have heard

  

that you can do anything
you want when you grow
up! That actually has some limitations,
though. Please put the cape away. It

will not grant you the power of flight.
No, you cannot be Superman. He

was an alien. Are you an alien? If so,

I suggest you stay away from anyone
whose birthday it is this week.

SCORPIO

(Oct. 24 — Nov. 22)
That dream you had a
few nights ago? The one

  

that is sticking with you
still? It was not a dream.

It was an alternate reality that has no

bearing on this one. This might be a

comfort to you, or a disappointment,

depending on what the dream was.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 23 — Dec. 21)

Tell your friends.

 

(¥ Vancouverites celebrate return of rain
(¥Y Vancouver unveils new city logo proposals
(Y Groom gets cold feet, can't find any socks

And more!

 

CAPRICORN

(Dec. 22 — Jan. 20)
This week is looking
far less stressful than

 

last week for you,
Capricorn! Just don’t forget
to write up your seven pages for that
group assignment due on the 3oth, and
remember to call the doctor to get your
prescription filled. Oh, also, you meant
to start watching Into the Badlands
but you keep forgetting the name of it,
so wee writing it here for you, so you
don’t forget. Also, your sister’s birthday
is coming up, so you should probably
start looking for a gift. Finally, Humour
Editor Rebecca Peterson is still accepting
cash donations. Please email her if you
have questions or, preferably, money.

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 21 — Feb. 19)

The alignment of the

  
  

sun reveals to us that
throughout the next week
you will experience periods of
darkness and light, about twelve hours of
each. We suggest you sleep when it’s dark
and go about your business In The Light.

PISCES

(Feb. 20 — Mar. 20)

“= You have the bad luck

of being last on the list,

which means we often
have no idea what to do for

you. Just thought you ought to know.

Douglas student does stupid thing

> Was warned not to do it; absolutely shocked when everything went to shit

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

Douglas student—who wishes to
emain anonymous—reportedly
did avery stupid thing last week,
after being repeatedly told that doing
the thing was avery bad idea.
“I think we all tried to warn them
at some point,’ said another student,
in an interview with the Other Press
last night. “Tt was one of those things
that seemed quite blindingly obviously
stupid to do? I don’t think any of us were
surprised when it ended badly for them.”
“Yeah, I also told them not to do the

stupid thing,” said a woman claiming to be
the student’s mother. “They called me up
last Monday and said, ‘Hey, Mom, I need
some advice? Then they told me what they

wanted to do, and I told them it was stupid.

They thanked me very much for my time,
hung up, and did the stupid thing anyway.”
The stupid thing is reported to have
occurred late last Wednesday night,
and has resulted in multiple calamities.
To date, the damages are: one fractured
tibia, several instances of destruction
of public property, a small house fire,
three and a half dark nights of the
soul, and at least 15 hurt feelings.
“I could have told them that would
happen,’ said the student’s friend. “In

fact, I did. Look, here are the texts.
That’s where they told me what they
were going to do, that’s where I told
them it was a bad idea, and that’s where
they messaged me back telling me

they did the stupid thing anyway.”

The next 15 texts were from the friend,
telling the student “I told you so” on repeat.
The Other Press followed a trail of

disaster and broken dreams to the student
in question for an exclusive interview.
“Look, in my defence, it seemed like a
really good idea,” said the student, who was
visibly uncomfortable and still smouldering
from the house fire at the time. “I know it
hasn't worked out for anyone else in the
past, but I thought I might be different

somehow. I had no reason to think that
of course, aside from the inherent folly of
human hubris. But really, in my head it
all worked out perfectly. All upsides, no
downsides. Now I can’t talk to anyone |
know without them telling me that they
were right and I was wrong. I might have
to leave the country. Maybe I'll move to
somewhere nice and calm, like Texas.
Yeah, Texas sounds like a good idea.”

The student was immediately told that
moving to Texas, given the current political
climate, was probably not a good idea;
however, last anyone heard, the student
has spent the last two days applying fora
visa and shopping for homes in Houston.