Giant clam eats man Gluten-free ice cream sandwich shop verly optimistic about winter season 7 il bie Sa nr = 2 SS ‘7 ra Illustration by Cara Seccafien v Puzzles and comics And more! Vancouver man devastatingly unsure of what season It is > The leaves haven't changed but the pumpkin spices are out Chandler Walter Contributor he seasons may be changing, but one man’s wardrobe, unfortunately, has not. A local Vancouver man awoke on September 1 with something of a dilemma: at his office job, Dennis Hobfort made the reasonable decision to wear shorts and a T-shirt, disregarding the morning chill as nothing more than just that. Little did Hobfort know that the weather would turn on him, raining down a faint drizzle during his lunch. “Tt was extremely inconvenient,” he said during an exclusive interview with the Other Press. “I thought it was going to be a gorgeous summer day, yet all I’m seeing are clouds and moderate temperatures.” Hobfort was last seen making an impromptu umbrella out of a cane and some garbage cans. The phenomenon that is the changing of the seasons has not only afflicted Hobfort, but others in the Metro Vancouver area as well. “T honestly don't know when summer actually ends,” said one woman who chose to remain anonymous for reasons of personal security. “I know it’s sometime in September, but is it like, right at the start, or at the end, or what?” While many around the city deem C C They're big, they're allergist specialist Jerry Ankler. Halloween as “Definitely Fall” and Christmas as “For Sure Winter,” a survey conducted by the Totes Reel Institute found that, on average, people were “dumb as doorknobs” about when the seasons are actually supposed to change. Top five Vancouverite > Be part of the herd, follow the list Klara Woldenga Entertainment Editor Recently moved to Vancouver and are already confused? Welcome. Lived here for a while and feel super out of touch with the city because it’s emotionally cold and overwhelming? Me too, man. Luckily, I’ve used my superior/ creepy powers of observation and made a list of five things all Vancouverites do. Follow them and feel part of the collective hivemind once again. Hate We are known as one of the least friendly cities in Canada for a reason: We hate everything. The rain, the sun, people on the bus, on bikes, on sidewalks, in cars. There is no limit to Vancouver's hate for the world around it. So, be part of the hate wave by putting your hate cap on and starting to detest things around you. Once you start, you'll be surprised by how easy it is to stay in your black and white way of thinking. If someone challenges you, just hate them. It’s really that easy. Be poor Again, this is a super easy one and probably something you have down already. If not, either start burning your money bills in cartoon-like fashion or start investing in things that are basically the same as putting your money ina black hole, like “the children” or the whales. Do a double-bill by investing in whale children or children of the whales. Never text anyone back Being super great with replying to text or calls is a clear indicator that you're not on the Vancouver bandwagon. Neglect is in, baby, and it’s easier than you think. First, become Facebook friends with way too many people. Second, let technology change how you see your friends from humans to merely apps—simple tools to get what you want without any need of compromise, reciprocation, or care. Once you start that ball rolling, “We're surrounded by idiots,” said one scientist in the official report. “Why are you making this so difficult?” Throwing a delicious wrench into the entire mix is the coffee giant, Starbucks, who decided to release their infamous Pumpkin Spice Lattes earlier than usual this year, prompting people across the country to don their scarves and mittens far, far too early. “Tt’s just so warm and delicious,” Suzy Selmany, whom the Other Press spoke to at a local Starbucks location, said of the drink, “and I look fab in my new fall wardrobe.” Selmany had been showing signs | i | The air was chilly, yet the sun was shining, of heat exhaustion, though no amount | — T —= fil |} and he had to get dressed for work. angry, and they of persuading from the baristas, local A | Ah Knowing the pains (and humiliation) . authorities, or our reporter could iif dy that accompanied being far too sweaty ate local shellfish persuade to her stop drinking the hot beverage on the 25°C day, or from wearing what was obviously too many layers. What remains clear is that, until October 1 hits, the residents of Vancouver will simply live in a torturous limbo between summer and fall and have no idea what to do about their pitiful plight. activities cutting off connections when it’s too inconvenient for you to keep them will be easier than you ever thought possible. Head out fora night on the town and embrace disappointment Pulling this one off takes a bit of collaboration. Invite your friends out and wander around downtown Vancouver for an hour or so looking for a pub or music venue to hang out in. Find most of them either full or featuring shitty music and over-priced drinks, then try and hail a cab to just go back home to watch a movie. Have panic attacks about the housing crisis Will I ever own land here? How would that even possible? What does it even mean to own land, anyway? Staying awake late at night thinking about these questions is a huge staple of what it means to be a Vancouverite. Bonus points if you struggle with your two jobs the next day due to sleep exhaustion.