> Sexy Halloween costumes to make you stand out

Mercedes Deutscher
News Editor

 

A you still stumped for

a costume, mere days
before Halloween? Looking to
be the belle or the beau of the
spooky ball? Here before you is
a sure-fire guide to the perfect
costume for this Halloween.

Sexy Harambe

If you go to the party in a Sexy
Harambe costume, people will
go bananas. You might as well
just become the embodiment
of the Cincinnati Zoo at that
point, so that everyone in

the room will want to drop a
kid in you. Just be aware that
the people around you might
become more animalistic, and
they may take their dicks out
for you as you walk the halls.
Anyway, it’s worth a shot.

Sexy Douglas WiFi

Not only does everyone love
a sexy costume, but they
love a good magician. Wow
them with your looks, before

you wow them with your
crazy disappearing trick.

Sexy Donald Trump

Have you been putting up a wall
around your confidence at past
Halloween parties? Well, that’s
about to become a thing of the
past with sexy Donald Trump.
Your comb-over is bound to
woo, your blatant racism will be
enough to make anyone weak
in the knees, and it only costs a
small loan of a million dollars.
Pro-tip for picking up women in
this costume: Call them nasty
and tell them youre going to
limit their choices regarding
their bodily autonomy. Modern
women love that—it drives
them crazy with lust.

Sexy Hillary Clinton

Okay, so maybe Sexy Donald
Trump isn’t your thing. Maybe
your heart is blue, through
and through. Maybe you

get off on watching women
delete emails. Either way, sexy
Hillary Clinton will have you
turning heads as everyone
calls you Madam Secretary.

Midterm Gothic

> An excerpt from Helen DeGeneres’ exciting new novel

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

he hallways before you stretch

into infinity as you trudge,
solemnly, to your class. You walk
with the gait of a condemned
prisoner making their way to the
noose. The notes and flashcards
in your hands provide little
comfort. It is too little, too late,
and the vows you made at the
beginning of the year to stay
diligent in your studies are mere
tatters of what they once were.
You stopped taking your school
agenda seriously by the third
week of classes. Your regret is
measured in the drops of sweat
on your brow, the tremors in
your heart, the three days of
sleep lost—not to studying, but
to procrastinating, promising
yourself one more hour of Netflix
before hitting the books.

Only, that hour never
ended, and the books remained
untouched. Your shame is
palpable. The students part
around you like a stream around a
rock with poor time-management

skills. Their judgment would hurt
more if you weren't so completely
dead to the world that if an
elephant were to charge down
the halls, your only reaction
would be to lay down in front of
it and pray for sweet release.

You reach the classroom, and
you survey your fellow classmates,
hoping to find a kindred soul—or
better yet, someone who is clearly
worse off than you. The room
reflects the width and breadth
of the human experience. Some
flip through notes, bury their
noses in textbooks like ostriches
finding solace in a pile of sand.
There’s that corner of students
who laugh to one another, feet
up, because they never take notes
and never study. The midterm
does not touch their soul the way
it touches yours. They’re probably
going to pass. You hate them.

You take your seat and try
to tell yourself that you'll be
fine. Studying on the SkyTrain
counts. It’s all you need. You're
not convinced. Neither is the
student next to you, whose crisp,
clean notes speak of a person

{¥ Douglas student scarred for life by

Hav@ anfjdea for a story?
M humctr@theotherpress.ca® :

roommate's Halloween obsession

on

(¥Y Breaking mews
(Y How! became a self-made thousandaire

And mor2'

Sexy Chicken Nugget
Perhaps the sexiest
costume at all. Sexy
Chicken Nugget will
have you feeling
McSensual, and leave
everyone else around
you feeling hungry
for more. Sexy
Chicken Nugget

is tanned around
the edges and oh-
so-saucy. Sure,
maybe youre
sexualizing your
childhood, but
who hasn't?

Sexy Deadpool

No, we don’t mean a
sexy Wade Wilson
(Have you seen
what he looks like
under that mask?
Definitely not sexy!). No,
we mean a literal dead pool.
Getting hot and steamy

is easy when you are the
costumed embodiment

of eutrophication. Sure,
maybe you have some excess

who wrote up their own study
guide, and probably woke up at
six o'clock this morning for a jog,
a mug of green tea, and a round of
flashcard memorization. You try
very hard not to hate them, too.
Your professor arrives,
smiling, likely remembering
their own academic struggles
and feeling a general sense of
schadenfreude in the face of
your suffering. They are grave,
however, as they pass out the
tests and remind everyone
the penalties for cheating ina
post-secondary institution.

   
      
    
 

Image via thinkstock

You immediately panic.
You are not cheating. You have
no plans to cheat. But you're
convinced the answers might
suddenly scrawl themselves
over the palm of your hand,
that your phone will wind up in
your lap under your desk with
a stolen cheat-sheet lighting
up the screen. The prof will see
this, and there will bea public
beheading in the main hall at
noon the following day, after your
friends and family are informed
of your academic dishonesty
and overall mediocrity.

phosphorus and nitrogen, but

now and the
other 364 days
of the year,
in regards to
pollution.

Sexy Ditto
Celebrate
Pokémon’s 20-

by once again
sexualizing
your
childhood.
We

dressing as
sexy Ditto. I
mean, let’s

so much you
can do with
Ditto, and Ditto has
always been the most
attractive Pokémon.
Seriously, that fictional
Pocket Monster
gets laid more than I do.

You take a deep breath.
You've done this before.

You can do it again.

You look down at
the Scantron sheet. It
asks for your name.

You blink.

You have forgotten
your name.

You call the prof over for
help, but when they hear your
question, they shake their head.
“I can’t tell you the answer to
that,” they say. “You'll have to
figure it out for yourself”

You stare at the page
a moment longer, and
finally pencil in “Doritoface
Monsternutz,” a placeholder
answer until you remember.

You move onto the next
question, and grip your pencil
hard with terror. It asks for
your Student ID number.

One thing’s for sure:
Youre not passing this exam.

You accept the inevitable,
and cast your soul into the
void. The pencil drops from
your slack grip. You are forever
nameless, and forever free.

it’s Halloween! Now is the time
to be excessive... well,

year anniversary

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