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Life according to Lucas

Liam Britten
editor in chief

 

his may surprise many of you
[= readers, but I’ve always been
somewhat predisposed to nerdly
pursuits. Don’t let my past writing in The
Other Press fool you; my writings about
video games, Dungeons and Dragons,
‘70s singer-songwriters and parliamentary
process have all been part of a clever ruse
to throw you off the trail of my secret
geektitude.
Like many alpha dorks, the obsession
to end all obsessions has been, since I
was 10 years old, Star Wars. Ever since I
saw A New Hope in 1996 on re-mastered
VHS (the first of 723 re-masterings of the
series) I was hooked just like millions of
other dateless losers across the planet. This
wasn’t just a good movie—this was the
greatest movie, a movie that changed my
life and taught me all that I truly needed
to know about life. The most important
things I’ve ever learned I learned from
Star Wars. And now, dear reader, I share
them with you.
¢ Never tell me the odds: Seriously,
don’t tell me them. I don’t care. If
Han Solo can fly the fastest hunk of
junk in the galaxy through an asteroid
field and survive, defying the odds
at 3,720 to one, what is impossible
and isn’t matters no longer. That’s
why my new career of professional
roulette player is such a good move
for me. I mean, the odds of winning
a single number in roulette being a
mere 37 to one, it’s like I’ve already
made money!

¢ It’s okay to be racist against Jawas:
Okay, I know the PC police are going
to get on my ass for saying this, but
it’s the truth and everyone knows it.
Jawas just drive around Tatooine all

day in those crappy old Sandcrawlers,
stealing droids from hard-working
moisture farmers and selling them
back at outrageous prices. I say those
little bastards need to get real jobs and
take those creepy brown robes off—
what are they trying to hide under
those things? Oh, and one more thing:
all Jawas look alike. There, I said it.

¢ You never know who could be your
long-lost sister: A creepy thought,
no? I know Luke and Leia had no
way of knowing and never got past
first base, but still, gross. That’s
why I think safe sex classes in our
technologically-backwards planet
earth need to start teaching young
people to get a DNA test from each of
their partners to make sure there’s no
blood relation between them. Sure, it
might put a damper on your love life,
but on planet earth, you can’t pass off
a kid with 11 toes as a “space alien.”

* Do or do not; there is no try:
especially when you’re running
from the cops or something. When a
situation like that comes up, do; don’t

try.

Words to live by, friends. I don’t know if
anyone else has had their lives changed by
a movie like Star Wars changed mine, but
if it has happened I’d love to hear about it.
What other films have changed your life?
Seriously, send me your answers, dammit!
I’m not just asking these questions
rhetorically.

So, dear readers, may the Force be
with you; or as Chewbacca would say,

7

“Grrrrarrwitrarrwarrtr!

Your friend in high fidelity,
Liam Britten

Editor in chief

The Other Press

 

WRITE FOR US!

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