Other Press

June 25, 1990

 

Coming
Out:

 

by Jennifer Clarke andMarion
Drakos
Pe lost her job at a
children’s clothing store
because she sent a girl into the
boys’ department to get a t-shirt.

Most employees would not
have been fired for doing such a
thing but, for Penny, its something
she’ll just have to get used to.

Gays and lesbians face dis-
crimination everyday. Employers
refuse to hire them, landlords evict
them from their apartments, people
physically assault them.

When someone decides to fol-
low an alternative lifestyle, they
face problems different from those
encountered by straight people.

Gays and lesbians take a con-
siderable risk when coming out of
the closet. They risk being
ostracized by their family and
friends.

"You always have to take a
risk. You care enough to tell some-
one but then you have to be
prepared to sever the link with that
person. It’s nice if that doesn’t have
to happen but you have to be
prepared."

Four post-secondary students
have had to come to grips with
their sexuality and deal with dis-
crimination and open hostility.

"If I were to meet a man that
would give me as much as a woman
can, I would be with him -- but the
chance of that happening is very
minimal. Just because there’s a
sexual attraction doesn’t mean
there necessarily is an intellectual
one."

Penny had not always been
honest with herself about her
sexuality. During her four years in
high school, she pretended to be a
heterosexual, using boyfriends as a
front.

There were even instances
where her companions were also
using her as a front.

"I played the game for awhile
until I could come to grips with it,
until I had matured enough to say
that this is what I want to be and
face the repercussions for myself,"
she explains.

Penny says she was uptight be-
cause she had to hide who she real-
ly was.

"I was a hateful, spiteful child
because of it. I was unable to be
myself and it came out on my fami-
ly."

At one point she thought she
was some kind of degenerate.

"[ thought, ‘Oh, my God! I’m
some kind of mutant. There’s
something wrong with me. This is
entirely wrong,’" she recalls.

It wasn’t until she read
Radcliffe Hall’s Well of Loneli-
ness, however, that she realised
there was nothing wrong with how
she felt and that there were other
people who shared her experience.
Having to hide her secret from
everyone took its toll on the

teenager until, at age 19, she told
her mother she was a lesbian. And
it was easier than she had expected

Her mother was curious about
her unusual high spirits one day and
asked if she was in love. Penny said
she was. Was it an older man? No,
it wasn’t an older man. An older
woman? Penny was honest and said
that, yes, it was.

Her mother, in a sense, had
already suspected Penny was gay.
Her sisters had even placed bets on
whether Penny was gay or not.

Penny’s mother was em-
pathetic. She saw homosexuality as
natural as being straight.

"I don’t know why you had to
tell me you were gay," she told her
daughter. "Your sisters never had
to tell me they were straight."

The only thing her mother was
worried about was the difficulty
she would have with other people.
She felt Penny had it hard enough
being a woman and as a lesbian
would have it even harder.

Penny realized how fortunate
she was to have such an under-
standing mother when hearing
about the experiences of others like
her.

Her roommate last year was
sent to school with a one-way tick-
et. His family had given him no
money for either tuition or living
expenses and had warned him
never to return home -- all because
they suspected him of being gay.

  

While working with native
children last summer, Penny en-
countered a more sympathetic
reaction to her sexuality. They had
little trouble accepting her as she
was. She figures it is probably be-
cause they could also relate to the
oppression she felt.

"They sort of look at oppres-
sion in a way that your white, mid-
dle-class heterosexual person
wouldn’t," she says.

Penny cannot see herself going
back into the closet. She refuses to
live a lie again. She calls it ‘burning
her closet.’

"I don’t ever want it
(heterosexuality). I can’t live with
itas a person. It’s stifling. (They’re)
telling me, ‘You should be getting
married and you should be having
kids. I don’t want want to do any of
those things. I’ve been liberated,
for Christ’s sake!"

Stories of Self-Awareness

Ne says that being
gay is "Something that
makes me special from other
people. It’s like an interesting hair
cut."

He wasn’t always
philisophical about it.

"When I was in high school I
used to yell at other people things
like ‘Are you some sort of homo or
something.’ I was homophobic.
You go with it (homophobia)
beacuse it’s a part of culture which
thankfully now is change."

"It’s like being locked in a
room. Society is telling you there is
something wrong with gay people.
After a while you start to believe
it."

Admitting that he was gay to
his family was easy for Norman.
"My family was very supportive.
They are behind me 100%."

Most of Norman’s friends
have known that he is gay since last
year but this year he came out to the
rest of Douglas College. During the
Douglas College Student Society
Elections Norm listed on campain
flyers that he was spokesperson for
the Lesbian/Gay/Bi-sexual Collec-
tive on campus.

"In a way, I wasn’t just listing
my qualifications for Vice Presi-
dent, I was also telling the students
who I am."

Norman lost the election by a
very small margin and doesn’t
blame his loss on homophobia.

"Just because someone didn’t
vote for me doesn’t mean they are
hetrosexist. I thought the election
results showed that Douglas Col-
lege students are not homophobic."

so

lain knew he was gay at
an early age.

He remembers looking at
Playgirl magazines when he was 10
years old and finding the men very
attractive.

"It didn’t occur to me whether
it was right or wrong. But by the
time I reached high school I real-
ized that I wanted a life with a man
and not with a woman,” he says,
now 20.

Alain once had a serious
relationship with a girl in high
school and was actually thinking of
marrying her.

"I did love this girl and I could
have married her and been quite
happy. But there would have been
a need for someone else."

Only two of his friends know
about his homosexuality. One lives
in his home town while the other is
in Ottawa.

His friend back home found
out by accident.

Alain was once talking with

her about who would be married
first. She insisted that he would be
the first to marry until he told her it
was impossible because he was
gay.

"It took her aback for a mo-
ment but then it didn’t seem to
bother her," he recalls. "She just
pumped me full of questions about
whether I’d slept with a man and
wanted to know what type of guys
I went for."

His friend in Ottawa was more
comfortable with the an-
nouncement because her aunt was

says.
It’s worked so far.

Mis 21, is bisexual.
"Women understand
each other better. I can be attracted
to men physically but find it hard to
relate to them emotionally and
mentally. I can be more fully at-
tracted toa woman. There’s always
something missing with a man,"
she says.

"In order to be totally turned
on, I have to be emotionally and
mentally turned on as well. Physi-

 

 

other people shared her experience...

 

 

gay as well.

"It’s made life a lot easier in
that my friend is as excited as I am
about my coming out. I’m a much
happier person now that I’ve shared
it with somebody here," he says.

Alain is still hesitant to tell his
family about his sexual preference,
however. He says most parents
don’t want a gay child because they
look forward to _ having
grandchildren.

"I’m just coming out myself.
Once I’m fully out I'll be able to
approach it (telling his parents)
with strength and equality."

He thinks his parents would be
shocked because they never would
expect it of him, having only seen
what they had wanted to see in him.

His mother might be more un-
derstanding because her best friend
died of the AIDS virus a couple of
years ago.

"His family basically kicked
him out and only came back for his
funeral. They wouldn’t even visit
him in the hospital. I don’t think my
mother would want that to happen
to me, but its still a very scary
proposition to admit it," he says.

While he doesn’t have

‘ problems dealing with his

sexuality, Alain is still afraid of
what others might say because

. people don’t consider homophobia

to be wrong as they would racism.

"People frown on someone
who makes a racist comment but
people can make a homophobic
comment and no one blinks an eye.
It hurts just as much."

Alain is concerned his sexual
preference will someday prevent
him from getting a job. He can see
his chances of obtaining a high-
profile job being jeopardized if his
sexuality were made public.

Nevertheless, Alain doesn’t
feel he needs to live the lie so many
gays and lesbians do.

"I’m very comfortable with it.
I’m proud of myself and all that I
have accomplished. Being gay is a
part of that but not the focal point
of my being."

He has never had to hide his
sexuality by courting someone of
the opposite sex as other people
have felt compelled to do. He keeps
his private life private and when
people inquire about his love life he
simply says he’s not interested in
anyone.

"I don’t make a conscious ef-
fort to hide it. I just don’t open up
every aspect of myself to them," he

cal is only one third of it. If the other
two thirds isn’t there, it doesn’t
work for me."

Melissa doesn’t rule out the
possibility of having a meaningful
relationship with a man -- she just
hasn’t met one yet.

And while she’s comfortable
with her sexuality, she isn’t too
much at ease with others knowing
about it because she doesn’t know
how they would react.

"I know I’m healthy and
natural because my feelings are
merely an expression of my love
for my friends. It’s the same as a
best friend but a little more,” she

 

says.

From the hostile reaction she’s
observed in other people towards
homo- and bisexuality, Melissa
can’t help but be a little fearful. "I
know the hatred out there towards
anything that people don’t under-
stand. There’s a stigma attached to
being bisexual, it’s taboo. I’ve seen
the hatred towards homosexuals
and it scares me." Her sister may
accept her for what she is, but
Melissa is still hesitant to tell the
rest of her family.

"They’d flip. They would
probably accept it in the end," she
says.

Melissa’s first sexual ex-
perience with a woman occurred at
the age of 16 when she fell in love
with her best friend.

"I didn’t realize it was infatua-
tion at first. I was in love with her
because she was my friend."

To see if her friend felt the
same way towards her, Melissa
made a hint by means of a joke,
saying they should consider going
out since they spent so much time
together.

"Six months later, she invited
me to visit her in Toronto. We
ended up spending most of the
weekend in bed," she recalls.

"Homosexuality is not a dis-
ease, it’s not a mental illness, it’s
just a preference. People should
treat it as such."