The “Other” News “Salty” Liam Britten saltyliam@ gmail.com Fraser Institute blames lazy orphans for manufacturing slowdown “Salty” Liam Britten resident all-star TORONTO, ON—Notable right-wing think tank The Fraser Institute has released a report today blaming “lazy orphans” for Canada’s manufacturing slowdown. The report, entitled Child Labour: Vast Untapped Potential, is the culmination of a 10-year costs and benefits study of pressing labourers as young as nine years old into service in factories across the country. “We've been looking at this issue for some time now,” said Maureen Hazel, a senior researcher at the Institute. “Our research shows that child labour is essential for continued economic growth. After all, children need rules and boundaries; and what better rules and boundaries are there than those provided by a non-unionized factory?” Fellow Fraser Institute researcher Peter Cowley agrees. “Children have plenty of boundless energy and spunk, so a 16-hour work day should be right up their alley,” said Cowley. “It’s a natural fit; children who like to climb should Jove climbing down chimneys that need sweeping. Children who like animals can work in slaughterhouses. And children too small to walk would be perfect in coal mines. Little hands work great in the tighter, more collapse-prone shafts.” While some have criticized the plan, it has found defenders in government. Premier Gordon Campbell has gone on record supporting it. I’ve always been a big fan of child labour,” the premier said at a press conference. “Some have criticized this plan as being something straight out of Dickens, and I say, ‘so what?’ I mean, I read the first six words of A Tale of Two Cities, and apparently he said it was the best of times. What else is there to know?” Prime Minister Stephen Harper also supports the plan. “I do support the plan, but I do have reservations,” Harper said. “For instance, how will this affect the price of gruel? Is there any way we can cut costs in that regard by adding more sawdust to the orphans’ food?” The report contains many specific recommendations on implementation. It proposes forcing orphanages to make children read Ayn Rand novels “until they are able to realize that the nanny government’s ‘safety regulations’ and ‘laws for their own protection’ are just making them weak.” It also suggests that children be made to watch their toys being destroyed in front of them as “workers who are dead inside have shown 21 per cent greater efficiency, and are more likely to take unpaid overtime than workers who have not had their souls crushed.” Children’s rights advocates were not able to offer comments by press time, as they still had bobbins to change at the textile factory. SFU student spends entire morning trying to dress like an asshole By Liam Britten BURNABY, BC—First-year Simon Fraser University student Malcolm Lewis spent a record hour and a half this morning selecting the perfect ensemble in an attempt to look like the biggest douchebag on campus possible. Lewis, 19, is currently enrolled in the Faculty of Arts at SFU, and has long struggled to fit in perfectly with the student body. He is attempting to dress like more of a douchebag to gain peer acceptance at his alma mater. “Fitting in at SFU, or, ‘sfoo,’ (as those in the know call it), is majorly important,” said Lewis, adjusting his thick-rimmed glasses for maximum douchebagtitude. “I mean, I have to dress like I’m a complete non- 22 conformist in order to conform perfectly. I’ve got to look like the unique individual I am so that people will think I’m suitable for assimilation into the larger student mass.” The eventual ensemble selected by Lewis consisted of a pair of Chuck Taylor runners completely unsuitable for running, a pair of tan corduroy pants, the aforementioned glasses, and a tweed blazer worn without a collared shirt. “I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a blazer with a collared shirt the way squares do it,” Lewis told the Other Press. “I mean, if I wore a collar, I’d be as big of a dork as the profs. But when you wear a blazer with a band t-shirt instead of a collared shirt, it tells everyone, ‘hey, look at me; I’m kind of square, but you know I have a rebellious side.’ Plus chicks know you're into art and stuff.” The band t-shirt Lewis selected was from The Velvet Underground, a band that Lewis has never heard of, yet alone listened to. “I’m pretty sure The Velvet Underground is this band from Seattle,” Lewis said erroneously. “I’ve just heard of them, so I guess they’re super new. I hear Andy Warburg is a big fan, whoever that is.” However, the piece de resistance of the entire collection was a pair of white iPod earbud headphones draped from his front jacket pocket to his ear, arranged “I have to dress like I’m a complete non-conformist in order to conform perfectly.” for maximum visibility from passers-by. For Lewis, this was the defining feature of his attire. “TI only listen to iPod headphones,” he explained. “Sure, they cause headaches, have no bass atall and break easily, but they show that I am a true individualist.” Lewis explained further: “I’m a true individualist because I buy from the only multi-national corporate giant that understands that I am different. In fact, I only use Apple computers, because I’m not a slave to Windows and Microsoft. I support a different uncaring media and technology company with a stranglehold on the market because I am different.” Malcolm is not alone in his trials to fit in at SFU. Student Union President Derrick Harder told the Other Press how hard it can be to be a student at SFU. “SFU’s a very unique institution with a very unique feel,” he said in an interview. “It’s a tough transition to make, because before students come here, they are told to not look and behave like arrogant dickholes. But here at SFU, we encourage such behaviour.” In order to make transitions easier for new students to the university, the student union is offering a seminar every Wednesday night to properly instruct students on how to act like snobs and wear the proper dress code. Tips and tricks for how to get “a leg up” on being a jackass will also be discussed..