issue 17// vol 45 humour // no. 17 Five ways to comfort your partner even though they're really ugly when they cry >» Kim Kardashian levels of bad Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor as this ever happened to you? You're with your sweet, adorable partner, watching another terrible episode of Riverdale, siphoning off your roommate's wine and eating three-day-old stir fry. Suddenly, apropos of nothing, they begin to sob. The reasons may vary, but one thing’s for sure—they look weird. Does the sweet, tender touch of love really conquer all? No, it doesn't. Here are five simple ways to comfort your partner even though they’re really, really gross when they cry. Offer tissues Kind and helpful! Of course, you probably don’t have any real tissues lying around, so feel free to wad up some toilet paper. If you're feeling a bit more generous, use some of that paper towel that you stole from a church Man protesting Gillette ad cant grow beard or mustache » Mostly uses razors to trim treasure trail Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor ocal citizen John Mann, 26, put his foot and razor down after seeing a new Gillette ad. The ad itself, Mann claims, shows examples of toxic masculinity and how it has pervaded modern society, and ends on the note that we need to be conscious with our actions as they ultimately influence and inform the children of tomorrow. “That shit was so dumb,” said Mann, tugging listlessly on the four chin hairs he called a goatee. Though Mann usually makes fun of people who feel hurt or attacked by words or actions, he insists that Gillette’s ad affected him on a deeper, more masculine level. “Ad companies shouldn't be allowed to say and do whatever they want and make people feel bad about themselves. That’s what a man is supposed to do toa woman, or anyone physically weaker and smaller,” he said. Mann buys, on average, two four- packs of disposable Gillette razors a year. “Most of them usually rust before I finish using them because I leave them in the shower. That’s mostly why I need the second pack. Regardless, Gillette sure is going to feel the loss of a client today.” And Mann is not alone. Other citizens, like Jack Homme, feel that the marketing ploy overstepped its bounds. “I'm mostly disappointed about how they made me feel ashamed after watching it,” said Homme. “Advertising should only shame people in good ways, like how women’s razor ads shame them for not having a 100 percent smooth, poreless, hair-free body. Or how almost any ad targeted towards women makes them feel like they live in a horrible, grotesque human shell that will never reach socially acceptable levels of beauty. Now that’s advertising!” Reporters noted that Homme not only lacked facial hair but was completely bald as well. Mann is working hard with frustrated men around the area to come together and protest Gillette. The Other Press stopped by a meeting (held in the basement of Mann’s mother’s house) to conduct interviews. “We're not going to stand idly by while our manhood is being threatened,” Mann told press. “We're being labelled as violent, aggressive, and evil. And if we have to riot to make sure people know that isn't true, so be it.” Several men with a scant handful of beard hairs among them were tying rocks to sticks to make crude tools. “These are to bang together and make noise with,” said the one with the most hair, the clear leader. In another corner, a man with no facial hair but a stunning pelt of fur around his neck was making signs to carry to the rally. “I ran out of space, but I think this gets the message across,” he said, brandishing a sign that read “GILLETTE BAD? “Sorry ladies, do you want to live in a world where men are compassionate, sensitive, and thoughtful?” said Mann, whose last date turned out to bea catfishing scam. “Didn't think so.” Illustration by Cara Seccafien basement during that one wedding you went to. The nice thing about this move is that if you ball up enough paper, you can efficiently mask their face that you just noticed looks like their father when they scrunch their mouth up like that. Emotional support Try and get to the root of their problem. Is it something about their work or family life? Unfortunately, it’s probably one of those two boring options. Buckle in and get ready to hear about what their mother said to them over Facebook Messenger for what could possibly be the fifth or sixth time. Remember to nod and tilt your head sympathetically at different intervals while ignoring the strings of snot coming out of their nose. Try and make out Perhaps this could cheer them up? After blotting some of the mucus off their face, go in for the kill, champ! Nope! You misread this situation. Now they're really upset. Abort mission! Start tidying up around them Not only will it give you something to do other than looking them in their weepy eyes, this move will also further solidify the fact that you are now the caregiver of the home. Start piling books, shoes, or whatever you can find around them like a nest, because they are now a baby bird and youre going to have to start regurgitating food into their mouth so it’s easier for them to digest. Swaddle them in a blanket and give them a bottle Clear lines have been drawn in your relationship and you are now both their lover and their mother. Absolutely no kissing will happen on this night. Prepare a nice hot cup of hot chocolate or warm milk, then tuck them into bed while reading Goodnight Moon. Remember this night when you have a breakdown in one to three weeks about an exam and ugly-cry during the season finale of The Good Place. ‘Baby on Board’ sticker reveals no baby on board >» Wah, wah, w—what? Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor ozens of drivers on Lougheed Highway last Sunday were in for a wild ride when Harold and Lynette Kerning, 49 and 47, were caught using a Baby on Board sticker. The twist? Absolutely no baby on board. After driving at a respectable speed and distance behind the mid-sized, slightly dented 1990 Toyota Avalon, fellow drivers were shocked and appalled to see no gap- toothed baby in the back seat. In fact, the back seat was completely devoid of any child paraphernalia. “Absolutely disgusting,” Carolynne Zenith, 32, told press. “I was going two kilometres under the speed limit for over 10 minutes. I deserved to catch a glimpse of an adorable baby. No baby, no cradle—just a cradle of lies!” The Kernings’ attorney, Geraldine Francis, spoke for them at a later press conference. “The ‘Baby on Board’ sticker really reminds drivers not to ram directly into the car in front of them, killing all drivers on impact. Because, you know, now they know there's a baby in there.” However, upon further questioning it was revealed that the Kernings’ case was one of pure negligence. “The sticker was placed on the car in 1992 when my clients’ child Charlie was born,” said Francis. “And the adhesive backing is simply too sticky to peel off of the car without damaging the paint. Though Charlie is now 26, they have not purchased another car—and yet have two leisure boats and a large dog. But that’s their own issue.” Many concerned citizens aren't content with that excuse. In fact, many interviews show the sticker seems to cause more widespread confusion than driver alertness. “Am I supposed to drive more quietly so the baby can sleep? Am | not supposed to honk my horn? What if there’s a deer on the road? Or worse, a baby?” asked Dwayne Wicks, 57. “T could barely drive straight because all I could think about was that weird little patch called the ‘soft spot’ that all babies have on their skulls,” Hector Arnolds, 27, said. “It’s hella creepy. I know I would never do it, but I kind of want to shove my thumb into one just to see what would happen. I imagine it would be kind of like a stress ball.” Others, like Wendy Seville, 41, felt the sticker had malicious intentions. “T take extra offence to the stickers because I, myself, do not have children. These stickers only serve to rub it in my face.” As the press conferences continued on, reports spread of another case of Baby on Board gone wrong. Cassie Lundgren, 28, was the citizen who spotted the second offence. “T looked into the back window, hoping, praying, to see a baby, and what’s staring back at me? An 18-month-old, folks. That’s a toddler if I’ve ever seen one. And it was ugly, as well.”