—*

 

 

Beyonce,

take your “jelly”

  

By Chloé Bach, Assitant Editor

here are truly no words to describe the
| extent to which Beyonce wears on my

nerves. Believe me when I say I cannot
wrap my head around people like her, at all. Our
business manager, Mark Fisher, is going to get all
up in my face for writing this but I will write it
anyways in hopes that people like Mark will come
to realize how nice it would be if Beyonce just
disappeared and took all her terrible music with
her.

I have found that some people are somehow
very impressed with her music and her voice,
and when I find people like that, I end up liking
them a little bit less. Beyonce’s voice is shrill and
obnoxious and not the least bit enjoyable. Every
time I hear “Single Ladies” I wish I had a couple
Percocet and a shot of Jack.

She has also managed to match that
insufferable voice of hers with a high-maintenance
diva attitude. She demonstrated her self-described
“sweet” attitude when she refused to walk past

Ka

 

elsewhere

the two-block safety perimeter to her limousine
from the president’s inaugural ball. But apparently
she cried and stamped her feet for long enough
that they broke their security standards to bring
her limo right to her. Poor, poor Beyonce. Two
blocks? That really is an atrocity.

But who knows, maybe that temper tantrum
was thrown by her new alter-ego “Sasha Fierce.”
You know, her sexier, sassier stage personality?

It seems a lot like having an imaginary friend to
me, or playing doctor, or in her case, like having
schizophrenia. What kind of sane adult goes on
the record talking about the other person they like
to pretend to be sometimes?

Like her fellow Destiny’s Child members I
am sick of Beyonce. I was never ready for her
jelly and would like her to take her fake music,
fake personalities and fake weave elsewhere.

Jay-Z though, that guy can stay.

 

 

 

The only thing “giving love a bad name”

By Jay Schreiber

   

h, the 1980s, a decade that

sparked atrocious fashion

statements and depleted
communism. If there’s one thing that
the ‘80s taught us, it’s that big hair does
not equal good music!

Hair metal became all the rage as
pop bands decided to grab guitars but
keep the heartache. Groups such as
Bon Jovi, Twisted Sister and Van Halen
busted onto the scene with single after
single along with their huge aerosol
bottles of hair junk. This week, I’d
like to take a moment to point out the
obvious, and give these kings of crap
rock their just desserts. ;

Bon Jovi (or BJ) is probably the
worst of the bunch with their crotch

lame and forgettable with catchy four-

they could have back stage for fear of

stuffin’, stale lovin’ form of rock that is
enough to turn me off of hair products
for good. With enough makeup to host
a cabaret, Bon Jovi consists of nothing
more than couple of show-boating
pansies claiming to be the greatest
thing since sliced bread.

Bon Jovi’s music is the epitome of
20

chord progressions that repeat and fade

being shut down by the fire marshal!
Their frontman, Jon Bon Jovi, has

out at the end of every song. Lyrically,
their songs are about dealing with hard
times and being dealt a bad hand, with
a sprinkle of heartache. What the hell
would this band know about hard times
or heartache? After every show, they'd
have to limit the amount of groupies

had the most profitable career of them
all, producing several singles of his
own. His solo music could be compared
to country and adult alternative, and

he has a half-assed acting career to
accompany it. Jon Bon Jovi’s only

is Jon Bon Jovi

real redeeming quality is amongst the

ladies, you know, “those golden blond
locks.” But with hair that big you have
to wonder what he’s compensating for.

While metal in the traditional
sense has to do with thrashing riffs and
lyrics about drugs and murder, Bon
Jovi seems to lose this badass edge
somewhere in the mix. To put this
statement in context, Bon Jovi is the
Parental Advisory Board’s version of
heavy metal, aesthetically pleasing to
both parents and 12-year-old girls. Not
to say that 12-year-old girls don’t listen
to metal, but when was the last time
you heard a pre-teen rave about the
Slayer?

Bon Jovi and other glam metal acts
of the ‘80s are all garbage and continue
to rot with each passing year. This is
why those bands cut off their hair and
dropped off the radar; they sucked then,
and they suck now. Jon Bon Jovi is
“Wanted Dead or Alive,” and the only
reason he hasn’t been beaten to death
by the metalheads in Pantera t-shirts is
because he’s still “Living on a Prayer.”