issue 29 // volume 43 humour // no. 23

P| i
‘ !
Ae,’ d

 

Photo by Analyn Cuarto

eet
| ae rn
f

TransLink rollercoaster ‘SkyTrain’
receives negative reviews

> Thrill seekers not impressed with new ride

Jessica Berget
Staff Writer

 

Frcisment was at an all-time high

this Friday when TransLink finally
opened their long-awaited thrill ride
called the “SkyTrain” to the general public.
Despite the initial enthusiasm, it was

only after the first 20 minutes that the
rollercoaster had been deemed a flop, an
impressive new record for TransLink.

“Tt’s just so lame,” said Ruby
Wednesday, a passenger who had just
finished her first ride. “It moves for a while
and then just slows down and stops at

random intervals, sometimes as long as

15 minutes. Everyone looked so bored. It’s

not much of a roller coaster. No one was

screaming or whooping or waving their

arms in the air. All of the other passengers

were looking at each other like, ‘This is

it? I paid $2.75 for this dumb ride?”
Besides being incredibly lame,

another cause for concern is the safety

of the new “SkyTrain” ride. The bold

decision to omit seatbelts has attracted

the attention of adrenaline junkies

from all over the Lower Mainland,

but is now the most problematic

and dangerous aspect of the ride.

The Game of Names

> Rash of unpronounceable baby names
linked to fantasy name generator

Ed Appleby
Illustrator

 

tis a question that has been on the

mind of most anthropologists for
the last few years. Why are names
like Peter, Jessica, and Bobby being
passed over for the likes of Taylin,
Kolbie, and Rashzel? Apparently, noted
anthropologist Dr. Watts Izname thinks
he may have found the answer.

“Tt was a very interesting conundrum,

Dr. Izname informed the Other Press in an
interview. “Classical naming conventions
of the past few decades have attempted to
stay within familial or cultural traditions.
With the recent proliferation of pop
culture as part of the mainstream media,
there have been many children named
after characters in film and television. For
example, in 2008 we had an upswing of
children named Jacob and Edward during
the height of the Twilight franchise, or the
recent popularity of names such as Arya,
Tyrion or Khaleesi from Game of Thrones.”

>

 
 
 
  
  
      
   
  
   
 

It was
pointed out at
this point in the
interview that
“Khaleesi” is a
title, not a name.
“T know,
right? People are
such idiots,” Dr.
Izname exclaimed.
“And now they're just
making up nonsensical
jumbles of letters that
might sound like some
kind of name if you tried
to pronounce it witha
mouth full of hazelnuts.”
Bunny Muffington—
new mother and basic white
girl—had a different opinion.
“I think creativity is very
important when naming your
child. Everyone has such boring names
and my daughter is her own special flower
who needs a name that is hers alone.”

“Tt’s weird that they don’t have
seatbelts but let young children on
this ride,” said one patron of the new
attraction. “It’s dangerous! When
that ride gets going and all you have
to hold onto is a pole, someone’s
bound to get hurt. One woman even
brought her baby in a stroller on
board. That can’t be safe for anyone.”

Also questionable is the route
and longevity of the ride. Instead of
the at most 10 minute loop of a basic
rollercoaster, TransLink has taken a
different angle, something that confused
and annoyed many passengers.

Muffington
was then asked how
she comes up with

her children’s

unique names.

“I thought it was taking me back
to the very beginning,’ shouted Guy
Angery, a recent rider. “Now I am
20 kilometres away from my house
and I don’t have any more money
to ride it again. Also, it’s called the
“SkyTrain” but it went underground.
We barely made it into the sky!”

Not helping with the already
horrendous publicity, one train car
got stuck on the tracks for three
hours. Transit security responded by
administering fines to everyone on
board for their expired tickets while
they were still stuck on the ride.

“Oh, I’m not that creative. I
just go to UniqueNames.com
like all of my friends do.”

Looking into the website and talking
toa few other new mothers,

the Other Press discovered
that many of them have been
using UniqueNames.com.
We contacted the host of
the site to ask him how he felt
about being the premier source
for baby names in 2017. The host
has asked to remain anonymous,
but gave the following statement:

“What!?!” Are you crazy?

This site is for generating fantasy
names for novels and roleplaying
games. People are using this to
name their kids? What the f...?”

Ms. Muffington isn’t swayed by
this. “I don’t really care where the
names came from. All that matters is
that my beautiful twins ‘Krymsin’ and
‘Xantos the destroyer’ have names as
unique and wonderful as they are.”

Illustration by Ed Appleby