Ottawa man suffers hypothermia
after holding open door
for several hours

> '‘T’m so sorry everyone, says man

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

Ce windshields, sidewalks, and little
old ladies aren't the only casualties
of this never-ending Ontario winter.
Jamie Marven, Ottawa resident, was
hospitalized last week with a severe case
of hypothermia after holding a grocery
store door open for four continuous hours.

Last Thursday afternoon, Marven
headed to the Stop N’ Shop grocery
store to pick up some milk—his
second dairy run of the day.

“Trun out often because I use
it a lot,” said Marven. “I use it for
cereal, as well as all things that are not
cereal... that’s basically everything,
now that I think about it.”

Before entering the store, Marven
noticed a woman behind him also
heading towards the entrance. Instead
of going inside, he held it open and let
her go in first. Unfortunately, the woman
was followed by her two children, 12
teenagers, a man and his 16 dogs, the
local high school football team, and the
entire high school clown team (which
arrived in a single car). According to the
reports, the Ottawa Conga Group also
arrived for their monthly shopping event.

Over a hundred conga members

danced their way into the store as Marven
continued to keep the door open. As

time went on, he began experiencing

the first signs of hypothermia: Extreme
shivering and mental confusion.

“I knew something was wrong,” said
Marven. “Using my free hand, I looked
up the signs with my WebMD app, it was
pretty neat! WebMD also told me that I
have cancer, which wasn't quite as neat.”

Despite these newly-discovered
facts, Marven continued to stand his
ground and hold the door, as he believed
stopping to go inside was rude. The entire
incident lasted over four hours, as many
of the people heading inside refused to
go in first, trying to allow either Marven
or another person to go in before them.

“Continuing to hold the door
was just the right thing to do,” said
Marven. “Keeping it open is what John
A. Macdonald would have wanted.

He didn’t come all the way from
Scotland and invent Canada just so
I could close a door and be rude.”

By the time everyone had entered
the building, Marven was experiencing
more severe signs of hypothermia
such as slurred speech and shallow
breathing. Soon after, he fell to the
ground and passed out due to an
extremely low core body temperature,
allowing the door to finally close. It

was then that Janice Franklin, the
store owner, called an ambulance.

“I knew right away something
was wrong,” said Franklin. “The
second I realized no one was politely
holding my door open I called gu”

The ambulance came quickly, but
the paramedics became delayed as they
were confronted with the unexpected
task of holding the door open as everyone
exited the building. After four hours of

 

holding the door, the paramedics were
able to take Marven to the hospital.

After spending a week in the
hospital, Marven has successfully
recovered and returned home.

“Tm sorry for the trouble I
caused,” said Marven, “But I can’t
say that it won't happen again.
Doors don't keep themselves open,
except for those automatic doors—
and I don’t understand those.”

Man recovers after Twitch account unwittingly
streams his internet activity for hours

> It’s cool, I'm totally not hurt by it or anything, says Twitch user

Jillian McMullen
Staff Writer

 

Timothy Wallace, Delta resident
and self-described graphic T-shirt
enthusiast, is recovering in the hospital
after discovering that his Twitch
account had been streaming for a total
of 15 hours without his knowledge. His
injuries included torn ligaments in
his leg from a swift laptop-slamming
leap, hand lacerations from the
proceeding trip over computer wires,
and, most significantly, deep social
contusions to his fragile, fragile ego.
The event occurred about three
days ago, after Wallace livestreamed
an extended Overwatch session. After
six hours of gameplay, Wallace was
exhausted and a little disoriented. His
eyes had been severely strained after
staring at a screen so many hours that he
could not see that his laptop’s recording
button was never turned off. Followers
watched as the man went about his
day, not realizing his actions were
still being broadcast to the internet.
One such follower, identified online
as by the username Fancy-Cat*~*~**~*,
describes the stream as “surprising.”
“Wallace usually acts pretty tough in
his livestreams—you know, lots of agro
yelling and trash talk—so I was shocked
by the dude’s stuffed animal collection,”
she said. “Normally, the background
is hard to see because it’s blocked, but

when he walked away from the computer,
you could see everything. His bedroom is
covered in them. Small ones, big ones—
he even had a few in display cases.”

Another user, named
-Scarcasmo-, claims the highlight
of the stream came when Wallace
was getting ready to go out.

“He was belting to some Whitney.
Like, hairbrush-microphone in hand,
running around his room in his
tightie-whiteys, performing to the
teddy bear audience he had lined
up,” he said. “He really does have a
beautiful voice though. I’ve never
heard a man hit high notes like that.”

It was after the last triumphant
note of “I Will Always Love You” that
Wallace realized what was happening. As
a steady stream of comments flooded the
man’s laptop, the ensuing notifications
tipped him off to the audience that
wasn't lined up on the edge of his bed.

The Other Press received analytics
from Twitch showing that the broadcast
was Wallace’s most watched stream
since joining the service. In fact, the
man’s audience grew almost three-
fold overnight. When presented
with the data, Wallace said he was
uncomfortable with the increased
audience and planned to take a few
weeks away from the internet.

“Things like this blow over,

I think. I mean, nothing lasts
forever online, right?”

 

 

 

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Illustration by Cara Seccafien