Think you're funny? Contact us at humour@theotherpress.ca &

 

 

Capricorn

(12/22-1/19)

Today you will be taped to a chair
and be forced to watch a Maury
marathon. Come on, we all know
it’s your guilty pleasure.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

When life expects to put a square
peg in a round hole, don’t conform
and put rectangle pegs in triangle
holes instead.

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Appearances can be deceiving. For
example, did you know that ball of
fluff next to you is actually a huge
sleeping rat?

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

Now would be a good time to start
mapping out your life as an adult.
Contrary to what you believe, beer
pong is not an Olympic sport, so
you can stop practicing.

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

Today you will run naked through
the streets proclaiming to have
discovered calcium. Maybe you
should quit whatever it is you’re
smoking.

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

Sometimes, it’s easier to think
about food than the homework in
your classes. This is probably why
all your notebook papers have
doodles of pizzas on them.

24

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

Your life is going to change.
Ten years from now you'll be a
Conservative who listens to soft
rock.

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

It’s time to refill yourself. My
advice? Go drink tons of pen ink.
You'll need the ink inside you for
the semester.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

You would make an excellent
judge. After all, you’ve always been
partial to wearing black-and-red
robes.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

One person in your circle of friends
will leave you forever. This person
is yout link to sanity and without
him or her, you will go ona
destructive rampage.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

It can be hard to break old habits,
but doing so will stop you from
crowing like a rooster every
sunrise.

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/22)

You always thought that your job
was making you crazy. Maybe
it’s a sign that you should stop
volunteering at the psychiatric
hospital.

With files from Livia Turnbull

 

Live Wires

In an effort to provide you with better
news coverage and put three writers
out of work, The Other Press presents
Live Wires, the best news stories from
around the world that we could print
for pennies on the dollar.

Edited By Liam Britten, Humour
Editor

Canucks to trade Roberto Luongo
and get new goalie everyone will
hate
After this year’s disappointing
early exit from the playoffs,
Canucks GM Mike Gillis has
identified the team’s already strong
goaltending as the first problem
to solve, and has already begun
preparations to shop Roberto
Luongo on the trade market.
This will open up the team for a
new goaltender—perhaps a free
agent, perhaps star backup Cory
Schneider—whom everyone will
hate very soon and turn on once
things get tough.
“We owe it to our fans to do
a better job of finding a scapegoat
they can blame for much larger
problems with this team, including
soft defence and flaky scoring
skills,” said Gillis. “We look
forward to the day when these
fans, today demanding that we
trade Luongo, tomorrow start
demanding we trade Schneider
once he has a three-game losing
streak. It’s the Vancouver way.”
Luongo, putting the team
before himself, has offered to
waive the no-trade clause in his
contract so the team can move him.
Fans on the street are reportedly
not happy with his performance
in this regard either, and feel that
Schneider would do a much better
job of putting the team before
himself.
— Canadian University (Under)
Press(ure)

A&W reveals new ‘Dysfunctional
Burger Family’ menu

A&W’s “Burger Family” is about
to get a modern re-branding as the
restaurant honours the collapse

of the nuclear family with its
“Dysfunctional Burger Family”

line of meals.

Shoddily made, bitter-tasting
and often soaked in cheap booze,
these burgers will attempt to
capture the essence of families
spiralling out of control—in
sandwich form.

“If you want an herbal flavout,
we have our new Pothead Teen
Burger. If you want something a
little creamier, try our Alcoholic
Mama Burger; we made sure she
hit the sauce (of your choice) hard.
And we're especially proud of our
Creepy Uncle Burger, that boasts
a flavour that will haunt you for
years after the fact,” the restaurant
said in a press release.

The meals will be served with
fries and sadness.

— Reuters Schmeuters

Ownership of Sony Ericsson
phone a microcosm for everything
wrong with area man

The fact that in 2012, that’s right,
twenty-freaking-twelve, Coquitlam
resident Mike Kozlov still owns

a Sony Ericsson phone, instead

of a regular smartphone like
regular people, pretty much sums
up what's wrong with the guy
perfectly.

“The guy makes good money,
he doesn’t have any crazy bills, yet
he’s so cheap with his phone and
shit,” said friend Craig Allen. “And
the guy still uses a PC! What is
this, 2003?”

Kozlov is known for always
acting dumb about technology
stuff, even though he should have
a clue. He has a reputation for
always playing it cool about cell
phones, acting like he doesn’t
need an iPhone or something, but
everyone knows it’s totally an act.

“What's wrong with this guy?
Doesn’t he get that he’s totally
being left in the dust by not having
Internet connectivity on the go?”
asked another friend, Ali Herar.

When asked for comment,
Kozlov told The Other Press that
“the Sony Ericsson W715 is still a
good phone, and [he] doesn’t need
too many bells and whistles.” God,
what a loser. Get with it, man!

— Bling Syndicates