humour / 22

Successful, happy student
baffles entire college

» Undergrad is healthy, promising, and seemingly unfazed

)

Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

Sct Whittaker is a second-
year honours student in
Douglas College’s Nursing
program. He also works full-
time at a medical clinic and
volunteers at a homeless shelter.
In his spare time, he enjoys
basketball, soccer, and working
out, as well as spending time
with his girlfriend. Whittaker
has been routinely described
by his peers and professors

as “a really great, happy guy,”
much to their bafflement and
frustration.

Katie Dregers, Whittaker’s
girlfriend and fellow Nursing
student, told the Other
Press “I just don’t know
how he does it. We’ve
been dating for two
years and it’s never
gone better. He
always manages to

: make time for me, apologizes
: when he doesn't, and still

: devotes himself to his studies.
: | mean, I’ve got to take an

: Adderall every other day just to
: find enough time to get C’s and
: go drinking!”

: James Mortimer,

: Whittaker’s biology professor,
: expressed a similar view. “At

: night I go home to my quiet

: wife and usually pass out in

: front of the TV after a few

: beers. I used to be like Scott,

: wanting to go into medicine.

: But I always had low grades

: anda lack of commitment.

: He’s got none of that! All

: my other students are

: missing classes and

: barely grasping the

? coursework, and

: he’s there

: every night totally prepared to
: dissect another kitten!”

Even those closest to

: Whittaker are unsure how

: he manages to stay so damn

: humble and happy. After

: repeated inquiries and a large

: glass of scotch, Whittaker’s

: local parishioner Father Ted

: Callahan opened up on his

: activities. “He was in the choir
: growing up—wonderful singer,
: by the way,” he pointed out

: before hiccupping. “That boy

: still comes to church every

: Sunday. He sings all the hymns,
: bows deep for all the prayers.

  
  
 
  
    
  
 
 
 
 
  

: He tells me he’s loving school—
: Scott does everything right,

: let me tell you. Even when he

: gives occasional confessions,

: they’re so lightweight and shit.
: You know what he told me?

: He told me how guilty he felt

: for not letting a stranger merge
: into traffic. Some people are

: just so damn compassionate, it
: makes me sick.” At this, Father
: Callahan took another gulp of

: scotch before weeping quietly.

Indeed, it appears

: Whittaker is an excellent

: student, citizen, and friend to
: all. Despite our best efforts, we
: were unable to recover a single
: bit of dirt or criticism of his

: character. Among the dozens

: of people interviewed that

: are connected to Whittaker,

: all of them spoke highly of

: his actions, many with bitter

theotherpress.ca

: resentment or sarcasm in their
: voices.

After immediately

: responding to an inquiry

: email, Scott Whittaker

: himself spoke modestly—so

: freaking modestly—about his

: accomplishments. “Hey, I’m just
: aregular guy. I get a bit stressed
: sometimes, but I’m grateful to

: live such a privileged life. I’ve

: got a great girl, great future...

: I’m pretty happy.”

He was so damn friendly in

: his interview, it almost made

: this reporter feel inspired to

: feel better about his life. But

: then I remembered my car

: payments are due on Monday

: and that I’ve got two midterms
: coming up, and now I’m going
: to go cry in the shower fora

while.