Study Shows That
OP Readers area
Cut Above

(Everyone not reading this can go to hell
unless they read this)

local research and public opin-
A ion firm, Bach, Stauber & Wiesel

Polling Inc., has released its find-
ings in an extensive and expensive study
commissioned by the Other Press Society.
According to the results of the study,
which combined telephone surveys and
in-person questionnaires, some 97 percent
of all people who don’t read the Other
Press are “total and complete morons.”

“The results were startling,” said chief
researcher, Ben Arnold. “During the last
three months, we have been polling
Douglas College students, web readers,
and casual observers from the community
to gauge the readership and non-reader-
ship demographics on behalf of the
Other Press. Our numbers show that
readers are generally more educated, well
read, snappier dressers, and frankly, pretti-
er people.”

The results were encouraging to
Managing Editor, Amanda Aikman, who
funded the study by returning all the emp-
ties from the OP office.

“We had an inkling that our readers
were the—how should I say thisp—more
attractive element of society,’ said
Aikman, taking a break between salon
treatments, Pilates sessions, and reading
volumes of Dante. “By attractive I mean,
of course, in a marketing sense. We want
to market our content towards our ideal
audience, people who we share interests
with. Besides, beauty is only skin deep.”

She added, “Has anyone seen my Mac
lipstick? It’s Kupa Troopa Tropical
Cherry, and really, really rare.”

The study found that 62 percent of
OP readers are women, 33 percent men, 4
percent other, and 1 percent Joel.

When asked why they read, the major-
ity of women polled (52 percent)
answered that “they enjoyed the balance
of opinions and laughs,” while 26 percent
said “they enjoyed the metrosexual ele-

March 16/2005

 

ment of the male staff’ and 18 percent
said “they wanted to remind themselves
of why they stopped sleeping with the
sports editor.’ Four percent of women
polled said they “only read because they
thought they were grabbing something
mature, like Youthink.”

On the male side of responses, the
split was nearly even: 56 percent read the
OP because “chicks dig dudes who can
read,” while 44 percent read because
“they were hoping to see Kali Thurber in

figure A: average OP reader.

the paper again.”

While the study was important to
understanding readership demographics,
assistant researcher Jude S. Iscariot, who
conducted most of the phone interviews,
felt the number of “morons” not reading
the OP was “disturbing” and a cause for
both “alarm” and “making quotation-
mark gestures with his hands.”

“This ‘study,” he said, his fingers
curled in preparation, “was a ‘litmus test’
of sorts for the paper. A real ‘feeling out’
process to ‘get to know’ the ‘typical’ OP
reader and see what ‘methods’ or ‘means’
‘we’ can ‘use’ to convince the ‘non-reader’
to read the OP more.”

Survey and questionnaire results were
disappointing to Iscariot, however, as they
pointed towards a complete lack of men-
tal capacity on the part of the non-readers
to even comprehend how moronic they
are.

“Basically, everyone currently reading

~ News to Peruse, Amuse, and Confuse

Brandon Ferguson, Fake News Editor

these words is the ‘gifted element’ of the
Other Press’ potential market,’ he said.
“Everyone who is not, is essentially too
stupid to know.”

Asked whether such rhetoric would be
considered damaging to any future rela-
tionship between the OP and these
non-readers, Iscariot replied, “Who the
hell cares? They aren’t going to read it
anyways.”

For his part, Opinions Editor Colin
Miley was unsurprised by the results.

figure B: average non-reader.

 

Sitting atop his self-made throne at
home, he said, “I don’t think we needed
these results to prove what I’ve said all
along—anyone who doesn’t want to read
my words is a freaking idiot.”

Miley, who has long suffered the sort
of inferiority complex that leads one to
claim their body type is “svelte” rather
than “scrawny,” stroked his Colonel
Sanders-like beard and elaborated. “For
the 45 minutes or so that I dedicate to my
craft every week, I’m putting my heart,
soul, and a couple fingers of rye into the
Other Press. Sometimes I even spell-
check. And so far this year I’ve had only
three death threats and two bricks thrown
through my window—way below my
yearly average. People should be on board
with what I’m spitting out. I’m a sexy met-
rosexual mother fucker.”

With that, he pressed play on a hand-
held tape recording of him laughing
maniacally, as he scratched himself

 

through his I Love Lucy boxer-briefs.

One dedicated reader, who gave his
name as Haywood Jablomie, felt the sur-
vey was just another example of the OP’s
love affair with itself.

“A survey? Are you kidding me? You
guys must honestly have nothing better to
do,” he said. “If people read, they read. If
they don’t, they don’t. Does it really mat-
ter one iota in the grand scheme of
things?

“You guys should really invest your
time in making more mature reading
material,” he added. “Like Youthink. Now
there’s some hard-hitting news—people
want to know what Nelly and 50 Cent
have to say.”

One of the components in the study
focused on reader competency and
points towards a possible reason for the
lack of OP readership and the populari-
ty of such high-school
publications as Youthink.

“Most newspapers need to be written
at a grade-nine reading level,” explained
Dick Arnold, CEO of Bach, Stauber &
Wiesel, and brother of Ben Arnold.
“Where the OP may lose some of its
readers is in its attempt to—how should
I say thisP—appear high-brow yet con-
sistently resort to the lowest common
denominator.”

When asked if reading the OP’s con-
tent was essentially like smoking a bong
without a choke, Arnold replied, “Yes,
that’s exactly how_yox would put it.”

Though the survey results lauded the

readers of the OP for their wit and down-
right good looks, while calling the
non-readers atavistic troglodytes with the
mental capacity of a shot glass and the
physique of a Jell-O pudding pop, Ben
and Dick Arnold felt there was no need
for name calling.

“Calling names is the last thing you
want to do,” said Dick Arnold. “There are
more mature and intelligent avenues you
can reach your audience through. Calling
non-readers names is as fruitless as repe-
tition.”

Added Ben Arnold, “Name calling is
as fruitless as repetition, and even dumb-
er than vague pop-culture references.”

So, to the non-readers, we at the OP
offer an olive branch of welcome. And to
you who are holding this fine and free
publication in your perfectly manicured
hands, we say to you like a Seinfeld episode,
“God bless you—you’re soooo good-
looking.”

driven

www.theotherpress.ca | 5