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And more!

No need to sneak these from mom's
cookie jar: Make them yourself!

> Achocolate chip cookie recipe you can finally enjoy

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

hen I was young, my mother

would always bake delicious
chocolate chip cookies. She never gave
me any, but I’m not bitter—it’s fine that
she didn’t love me enough to share.

I mean, come on. I know they
were always for her church, but giving
me one wouldn't have messed up the
bake sale; I’m 80 per cent sure God
doesn’t keep track of the number of
cookies you sell. Once my mother
tried to keep her cookies from me by
putting them ina safe she owned—a
bit extreme, but after all those times
I ate every single one before she could
sell them, I guess I see why she went to
that length. It was just too bad for her
that she also owned a sledgehammer;
those were a rough couple of days.

If you want to bake the cookies
my mother selfishly tried to keep
from me all these years, youre in luck,
because I was finally able to rip the
recipe from her cold, dead hands.

Mom’s Secret Chocolate
Chip Cookies:

1 cup butter, softened

1 cup white sugar

1 cup packed, brown sugar

2 eggs

2 tsp vanilla extract

3 cups all-purpose flour

1tsp baking soda

a
Woman arrested for te
too manyatimes in a row!

2. tsp hot water

4 tsp salt

(2 tsp of hot water and % tsp
of salt can be combined into one
by using tears shed due to the lack
of love you received as a child.)

2, cups chocolate chips

If you want to make your
mother roll in her grave, add a
cup of chopped walnuts.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees—
the same number of cookies I ate the
night before my mother’s biggest bake
sale. I was sent to the ER, but it was
worth it just so see the horrified look
on her face from my hospital bed.

“You're going to hell,” she told
me, but I was already there—hell is a
place where you aren't offered baked
goods from the people you love.

Mix together butter, white sugar,
and brown sugar until smooth.

Beat in eggs one at a time,
then stir in the vanilla.

Dissolve the baking
soda in the hot water.

Add the batter along with the salt.

Stir in flour, chocolate
chips, and nuts.

Drop in large spoonfuls onto
non-greased pans as shallow
as my late mother’s heart.

Bake for about 10 minutes
in the preheated oven, or
until edges are browned.

Eat them triumphantly, and without
shame, in my mother’s now empty home.

> ‘It was just so annoying’ stated victim

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

oan Harren is facing 30 days in jail,

along with a possible fine of $2,000, for
texting her love interest too many times
without waiting for a response back.

Harren’s arrest came after her
sort-of-boyfriend, Mark Daven, called
the police to complain that Harren
was harassing him with texts.

“The texts were just really
annoying,” stated Daven in an exclusive
interview with the Other Press. “I’m
a very busy guy. I don’t have time to
deal with the feelings of someone I'm
kind of emotionally involved with,
especially when it inconveniences me.”

According to the police report,
Harren texted Daven five times within

a six-day time span without waiting
for a response back to continue

the conversation. The texts ranged
from wondering if he wanted to

go out sometime soon, to flat-out
asking if he was even still interested
in hanging out with her again.

“It was, frankly, too needy—too
‘emotional.’ I was clear with her that I
didn’t want anything serious,” Daven
said, very seriously. “I don’t know why she
told the police that I was her boyfriend,
I don’t believe in titles—I strictly label
myself a ‘no label’ kind of guy.”

According to the report, the police
quickly responded to Daven’s call by
breaking into Harren’s apartment
and then arresting her on charges
of “electronic harassment.”

There has been an influx of
electronic harassment reports over the

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past few years, according to Alex Welick,
head of police. The police department
has responded by lowering their
response time, and having a zero per
cent tolerance for these kinds of attacks.
“We get these kind of calls all the
time,” stated Welick in a recent press
conference. “These kids who harass
others just can’t put their phones
down. It leads to so many people on
the receiving end feeling shame—an
emotion we're working to make illegal.”
When asked how citizens could
prevent electronic harassment,
Welick was quick to give advice.
“Sometimes it’s best to accept
ghosting before you hurt other people
with your concerns about whether people
want to stay in a relationship with you,”
stated Welick. “Forcing someone to
confront issues or unanswered questions

 

about a relationship isn’t something
people want to do, and, frankly, not
a thing we would wish on anyone.”

With Harren off the streets, Daven
can finally breathe a sigh a relief.

“I'm just glad I finally feel safe,”
he said. “Now I can freely walk the
streets knowing that I won't be
confronted with the need to address
any issues in a relationship I was part
of, or feel any shame at all, really—
as I said, I’m a busy guy. I just don’t
have time for any of that stuff.”

When asked what he was so
busy with, Daven stated he had a
very active Twitter account.

“T have almost 1,000 followers.
Twitter fame doesn’t build itself,
you know. #RiseandGrind.”

Harren’s trail will be held
at the end of November.