March 3, 1980

The Other Press

Page nine —

( JULIUS SCHLEAZE MAKES ALL KINDS

OF MONEY OFF CONDOMS IN CANADA.

SO WHY WOULD WE WANT TO TALK

TO YOU ABOUT OTHER METHODS
CONTRACEPTION?

OF

 

 

 

The Diagram

 

The diagram is an essential part of the ‘biological
team’ approach to body-contact sex, or ‘New
Theory’ method. In New Theory, the diagram is
first tattooed onto the
vaginal walls, cervix
and womb lining by a
licensed gynecologist
or genuine sadist.
Sperms entering the
vagina follow the
diagram and attempt to run a defensive blocking
pattern, allowing the offensive line to swing
outside right and hand off to the egg. Faking a
short pass, the egg then has the option of throwing
a ‘long bomb’ to deep left field or fading back for
the old ‘statue of liberty’ play. When properly
executed, the contraception rate for the diagram is
very high and a thrill to watch. However, under
even slight conditions of stress the offensive line
has been known to fold. The resultant blitz makes
_ the egg look like Tarkington at the Super Bow];

not a pretty sight.

 

 

 

Sterilization

 

Male vasectomy is a simple surgical technique (it
can be done with a razor
blade, hacksaw or small
axe) which involves
cutting everything off. =

Everything. Following :

vasectomy, a couple should expect severe
depression, loss-of-love and divorce, unless a
quick trip to Denmark can be arranged for the
‘man’ and the woman is gay. Female sterilization
(labour litigation) cuts the ties between womb and
ovaries. The eggs then seize control of the means
of reproduction, like true Marxists.
EY ET EY PY EE PE FT

The Dill

 

 

The dill, inserted by women once a day for
twenty-one days or whenever they feel ‘in the
mood’, is designed to prevent ovulation. If no egg
is released, there won’t be any little chickens,
right? Most dills available today contain an
unstable mixture of female hormones, PCP,
aphrodisiacs, bad street acid, spices, monosodium
glutamate, artificial colouring and pectin, to
retard spoilage.

The dill’s main drawback is the side effects that
some (most) women experience. Minor side effects
like throwing up a lot, catatonic passivity or
hysterical screaming, bloating and elephantitis of
the breasts are fairly (100 per cent) common but
usually subside after a few weeks when cervical
cancer appears. The dill is also sometimes (always)
associated with weight gain and, to a lesser degree,
suicide; with minor but really gross vaginal
infections, depression, alienation and a need for
sex approaching nymphomania...

So far as serious side effects are concerned, the

. sky’s the limit. Some of the
things this little hormonal
H-bomb can do to the
female body make
leprosy look like
summer camp.
We'd rather
not discuss it.

 

 

Because you kids aren’t buying it.

The lack of student response to the advertise-
ments we’ve been running has made us aware that
most young men don’t carry condoms in their
wallets like Dad used to. Some have never even
heard of condoms. :

This is supported by a Statistics Canada report
on the alarming increase of oral sex among young
women in the 12 to 24 age bracket. Just for your
information, ‘‘doing it’? that way is not only
disgusting and perverse but can cause tooth decay
and rabies. And when you die, you’ll go to hell.
Forever.

What we plan to do in this expensive-looking
full page ad campaign is give students a survey
course on where babies come from, explain how
you can prevent them our way and sell lots and
lots of rubbers.

Space limitations make it impossible for us to
discuss the matter of the oral contraceptive pill.
However, what we said about oral sex is equally
true for anything you put in your mouth for sexual
purposes.

If you don’t believe us, ask your Mom.

 

 

 

 

Douching

 

Although the method has
been in use for centuries,
douching with holy water,
Ovaltine or cleaning

~ products is pretty bizarre.
Girls who douche
repeatedly always seem to
have bedrooms filled with
stuffed animals and names
ending in ‘i’. Avoid them.

Rhythm

 

Historically, the rhythm
method was invented by
poor Irish Catholics seeking
sexual freedom in

the colonies. They

later sold the ~

method to blacks,

who still have it

today. The various

aids currently used

to help determine

the fertility cycle

include dice, cards,

roulette wheels,

counting desperately on your fingers and flipping
acoin. The most common and accurate method is
the charting of the women’s basic body
temperature which must be taken with a special,
refrigerated thermometer every morning
(eeuuch!) before she gets out of bed. Unfortunate-
ly, this practice is also the number one cause of
female homosexuality.

 

 

. (With thanks to the Brock Press)

 

a

 

 

 

 

 

The Intrauterine Device [TUD]

The IUD is a large, cumbersome device about the
size and shape of a hand grenade. It is placed, or
more accurately loaded, by a hydraulic air
hammer into the general region of the uterus. Only
trained gynecologists are allowed to attempt this
difficult procedure and they rarely miss more than
once per patient.

How the IUD works is still .
unclear. The current school of
thought believes that the
device (which is exceptionally
ugly) scares potential babies
away by making facesand ~
rude gesturés at them. Others
maintain the device has powers
of persuasion previously
known only to young male university professors.
Nobody really cares but it does seem to work.

However, as a safeguard some doctors
recommend the use of spermicidal nerve gas or
napalm in conjunction with the IUD - especially
during midcycle when the kickstand tends to drop
down, This approach means that the IUD loses"
two of its more attractive features: the fact that it
requires less effort than changing a flat and is
unrelated to dirty, filthy, disgusting sex.

Like all other methods, the IUD has its
drawbacks. Some users spontaneously expel the
device, killing innocent bystanders in the process.
In other cases, the IUD itself simply refuses to
leave its warm hiding place until spring. The IUD
is not recommended for women who have hard’

 

 

 

 

 

filter tip

   

pelvic bones or a history of light or heavy periods

or occasional headaches or a vagina or any interest

Aside from things-

trusted-to-put-in-their-

mouths-every-day, the

one birth control method Virgina slim

in the entire universe. (If

of this statement, stroll 12

through the Canadian

morning.) The condom

isthe only birthcontrol ff >

from drugstores, buy in

men’s washrooms or inflate with a blow dryer in.
For maximum effectiveness, condoms should

be worn not only before and during intercourse,

disadvantages and the invention of the ribbed

condom is seen by many as the sole reason for the

but here at Julius Schleaze we believe the condom

is the greatest achievement of the human race.

statement; it’s a way of life. Women can sense a

‘certain something’ about a man who owns his

is bravely masculine. Sure of himself. Sure of

where he’s going. And sure he’s going alone.

in staying alive to see thirty.

women-have-to-be-

condom is the number

you doubt the accuracy

Drive-In any Sunday the ‘big mac’

method you can steal \ Gy

the locker room after hockey practice.

but at all times. Condoms have no known

sexual revolution of the 60’s. We’re a little biased
Finally, owning a condom isn’t just a personal

own condom. Yet to other men, a condom owner
Sure. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Ci

a

Gorgo

 

 

 

oe