Humour

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Justin Bieber reluctantly goes to college

Teen pop star says really famous
people dont need to be smart’

By Livia Turnbull,
Bratty Celebrity Gossip

hile September marks the

return to school for students
everywhere, there'll be a familiar
face joining the ranks of college
freshmen this year. Citing Justin
Bieber’s recent wanes in popularity
as a major factor, combined with
his increasing mental instability, the
pop star’s managers have decided
to enroll Bieber in post-secondary
education.

Though Bieber has enough
money to sustain him for the rest of
his life, his managers believe that
he would benefit from learning
about something outside of the
world of fame. “I think it’s a great
idea that Justin’s going to college,”
says Kenny Hamilton, Bieber’s
bodyguard and close friend. “If he
ever wants to learn how to write
his own songs, he’d better learn
that not all music is about girls and
shopping malls. Still, | worry that
he'll get laughed at when he tells
people that he’s the Kurt Cobain of
this generation.”

Bieber, however, feels
differently about the big change
in his life. “I don’t know about
going to college. I might learn some
disturbing facts, like how many
people hate the idea that I’m a star.
Still, at least going to college is

Humorous Hymn

better than getting a part-time job.”

Before going to college was
considered, Bieber’s managers paid
a local McDonald’s to hire him as
a grill worker. The aim was to get
Bieber to see life through the eyes
of a normal 18-year-old. Neither
Bieber nor his coworkers were
happy with the idea though.

“He kept singing ‘Baby’
all throughout his shift,” says
Dan Greenfield, a McDonald’s
employee. “Only his voice was
too deep for the song, so he had
to screech the words. It gave
everybody migraines.”

Greenfield recalled another
incident where he overheard
Bieber talking to the manger after
his first day of work. “Justin said
that he didn’t want to work at the
grill because it was insulting to his
heritage. He said that he came from
a long line of teen pop stars and
they didn’t do this kind of stuff.”

It was at this point that Bieber’s
managers realized that the teen
sensation was clearly delusional, so
they pulled him out of McDonald’s
and put him in college.

As for what courses Bieber
will be taking this fall, it has been
confirmed that he’s taking two
music courses, one philosophy
course, and one math course. “We
had to fight to get Bieber to take
math,” says Hamilton, “He kept
going on about how math was
against his religious principles.”

Gravity (as written by someone who is trying be hip)

All-you-can-eat buffet of burglaries

Theft of bees, honey, potatoes,
and maple syrup may be linked

By Joel MacKenzie,
Chief Speculator

olice are speculating that the
Per person may be behind
three recent food burglaries: an
Abbotsford bee and honey heist
discovered late July involving
8,000 pounds of honey and
approximately 500,000 bees, a
Richmond potato pilfering in late
August involving 5,000 pounds of
potatoes, and a Quebec sickly steal
of 10-million pounds of maple
syrup in early September.

The RCMP could offer no
current leads, but RCMP National
Commissioner Earl Haywright
was quick to rule out members of
The Vegans, a food club declared
a criminal gang by the RCMP in
early 2012, as responsible, seeing
as how “they probably already
would have told everybody that
they did it just so they could rub it
in everybody’s faces.”

In the meantime, Haywright
warned the public to be wary of
food offered from “shady” grocery
stands or trench coats.

“Look at the packaging,”
says Haywright, who also
wants people to be suspicious of
potatoes housed in “handkerchief
bindles,” bees in “pharmaceutical
pill bottles,” or “maple syrup or
honey in shampoo bottles or used
toothpaste tubes.”

The idea that a food criminal
mastermind could be behind these
robberies is a stark reminder of
the string of criminal activities

carried out by Alan MacKinnon
in 2006. MacKinnon, aka The
Hamburglar, a begrudged former
McDonald’s representative, is
suspected of being involved in
the 2005 destruction of thousands
of acres of tomato plants, white
onions, miniature cucumbers and
the white parts of iceberg lettuce
plants worldwide.

What could a similar criminal
mastermind be planning with
bees, honey, potatoes, and maple
syrup? Could some sort of a
bee attack against the public be
planned?

Ian Hewitt, a Richmond
beekeeper, predicted “no.” But,

a trusted expert, who preferred

to remain anonymous, disagrees.
“This is a definite possibility,” said
the source.

Could a new, sweet type of
methamphetamine be being made
from these ingredients? This new
type of meth could be disguised
as candy and sold in local candy
stores, and would be particularly
appealing to children.

“That's horrific...they need
to stop whoever is doing so,” said
Douglas College student, Marie
Lu.

Or could the high
carbohydrate levels of these
stolen items also be used for the
production of a high-energy party
drug, similar to ecstasy or Red
Bull?

Stay tuned to future editions
of The Other Press, as we continue
to track all future Canadian food
robberies and come to even wilder
conclusions.

What is gravity, dawg?

it’s the thing that keeps down.
gravity is the Man who is invisible.

Now electromagnetic forces,

those keep us floating in the air.
they want every single thing to free
pencils, pens, humans, elephants
anything you can name.

Electromagnetic forces make us cats

22

float through the cosmic spectrum like, whoa.
now isn’t that radical, dudes?

But gravity is not all that bad.

without gravity, we would

have fallen through the ground

and been iced by the Earth’s molten core.

You dig, soul brother?
Peace out and remember:
Make love, not war.
“With files from Livia Turnbull