humour // no. 22

theotherpress.ca

 

SUIVIVINg a cross-province trek via Greyhound

> How I almost died to save a few bucks

Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

 

Re I took a trip to the
ar backwoods of Calgary,

Alberta to visit relatives and cel-
ebrate the end of the semester.

Greyhound buses are con-
sidered one of the best forms
of travel... right after airplanes,
driving, trains, motorcycle, bi-
cycling, or merely walking the
970 kilometres. The company
offers some of the lowest rates
around, in exchange for aban-
doning non-essentials such as
seatbelts, comfort, in-travel
entertainment, and a sense of
security and safety. Eventually |
arrived at my destination, only
somewhat the worse for wear.

| arrived at the terminal at 3
a.m., realizing that a middle of
the night trip was slightly cheaper
and a lot less crowded. On my way
into the station, I was approached
by no less than four very friendly
bearded men offering me not only
opportunities to make money,
but generously cheap offers for
sexual favours and illicit sub-
stances. Imagine my reassurance
when I saw these same men later

boarding the bus with me! You
certainly don’t meet these sorts of
friendly characters when flying.

I took up a conversation
with my seat mate about the
weather, which quickly devolved
into exciting stories of his time
spent in incarceration. I was mo-
mentarily terrified, but quickly
reassured when he told me he
was “set up by the fuzz,” and that,
“ma cook buddy betrayed me.”
He even showed mea weapon
he had made in prison to deal
with “losers” and “people who
look at me funny on buses.”

We stopped for a quick break
at 7a.m. and my new friend
offered to take me behind the
bus so he could “deal with me,”
which I assume meant offer me
a cigarette. Not being a smoker,

I politely declined. I received a
few more offers while stretching
my legs for narcotics and sexual
acts; I’ve never had so much at-
tention paid to me in my life.

In fact, I was so distracted
by these friendly people that I
realized the bus had left with-
out me. I quickly talked to the
lady working the ticket counter,
who called me a “low-ass idiot

 

punk” and after a while offered
to book me on another bus de-
parting only 12 hours later.
Having been too enthralled
by the conversation with my
seat mate to sleep during the
bus ride, I fell asleep inside the

Unprecedented number
of flower crowns brings
Coachella to an early end

> Swarms of bees too much for festival staff to handle

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor

 

Aw of California’s
amous Coachella Valley
Music and Arts Festival had their
weekend cut short after a massive
raid by swarms of vicious bees.

Local beekeeper Frank
Hudson said that the
festival “had it coming,’

“I say it every year, and
no one listens,’ Hudson said
during a phone call. “It’s
those damn flower crowns.

A crowd at Coachella is
basically a moving garden.”

The bees attacked late
Saturday afternoon, approaching
in a roving swarm that blocked
out the sun. Many festival
goers were too intoxicated to
realize that the thousands upon
thousands of flying insects
were not just a simple cloud,
and as such had no time to
find cover or protection.

Dozens have been killed,
and hundreds sustained bee

sting injuries. The unfortunate
fallen had all sported the
biggest flowers crowns at

the festival, and as such

were the biggest targets of

the air-born pollinators.

“I told her not to wear
it,” said James Henderson,
boyfriend of one of the victims
whose family has asked to
remain nameless. “I told her
five sunflowers, three roses, and
a dozen camellias was way too
many flowers to wear to a festival,
but she just wouldn't listen!”

Henderson admits he
never thought that this would
come of the flowery headwear,
and was more concerned
with his late girlfriend’s neck
hurting under such weight,
or that she would be blocking
the view of those standing
in the crowd behind her.

“| just thought it was kind
of an unnecessary trend that
she was buying into,” he said
through tears. “Had I known
it would have led to the end of
her life, I would have burned it

long before we drove out here.”

Festival staff released a
statement shortly after the
attack, explaining that the
fault is not on them, and that
precautions will be taken
during future festivals to
insure that a similar incident
does not happen again.

“We are sorry that the
Coachella Valley Music and Arts
Festival was cut short this year
due to the actions of many of
our attendees,” the statement
read, “but we can assure our
fans that we will rally from this
incident and come back next
year bigger and better than ever.
Strict regulations will be placed
on flower crowns of any sort to
stop any chance of an incident
of this size happening again.”

It is estimated that roughly
40 per cent of all Coachella
attendees were sporting a flower
crown of some sort during the
attack, translating to around
80,000 flower crowns, and
250,000 individual flowers.

terminal. I woke up without my
shoes and with a confused fellow
peeing on my leg. I pointed him
in the directions of the restroom
and, after a few more hours of
declining friendly offers, got

on a bus going to Saskatoon.

SS
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A few days later, after a
couple more layovers and con-
fusion, I arrived in Calgary
missing only my luggage, shoes,
and wallet. Despite the cost of
replacing these things, it still
remained cheaper than flying.

 

 

 

 

   
   

Unintentionally
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a 4

“They prefer to be called skinny“impaired”

Brittney MacDonald. Life & Style Editor