issue 9// volume 44 humour // no. 23

ddverendiofsNovernbers

 

> Petitions to remove the garbage month ensue

Katie Czenczek
Staff Writer

 

ovember, famous for being the least

favourite month of the year, has
fallen under threat of being removed
from the calendar once and for all.

A petition was recently posted on
Change.org to remove November from
the 12-month calendar year. If successful,
all following years would consist of
u months, with each month being
extended by a few days in order to make
up for the missing month. This way,
the calendar year would still coincide
with the Earth’s orbit around the Sun.

Janice Swanson, creator of the
petition and avid Change.org user,
told the Other Press, “Every time
November comes around, I immediately

feel uneasy. There’s just something
really wrong with that month.”

Swanson elaborated by saying
that, “The days get shorter, the weather
worsens, and I’m always stressed
at this time of year. If November
were a colour, it would be grey.”

In the past, Swanson has also
used Change.org to advocate for
the removal of the colour grey.

The anti-November petition has
garnered a large following online, and
has been taken to numerous political
offices around the world in the hopes
of pushing forward the removal of the
eleventh month. Predominately, people in
the Northern Hemisphere have supported
the idea, while people in the Southern
Hemisphere resist, stating that they
would want to keep their summer month.

November, the month in question,

contacted the Other Press, stating that
he wanted to respond to the “haters.”
“Tam so sick of people bagging on
me! It’s not my fault that I’m caught
between October and December, the ‘fun
months.’ If | was next to April we wouldn't
be having this discussion,” he said.
November then discussed his
importance within the year, along
with his worries about what would
happen to Remembrance Day.
“I can't believe that people
overlook the most important day
of the year. Do you really want to
just forget about all the people that
fought for freedom and peace?”
Swanson, however, said
that Remembrance Day would
still be celebrated, only it would
be a part of October.
“T believe that the reason

Remembrance Day doesn’t really get
remembered is because of the negativity
that surrounds November. | mean, as it
currently exists, most people just go to
shopping malls on that long weekend
when they're supposed to be in mourning,
and profs use it as an excuse to pile
on assignments. I’d love to see what
October would do with that holiday.”

October declined to comment
on this pressing issue.

November, who grew increasingly
agitated throughout his interview
with the Other Press, said that
it refused to be “Pluto’ed.”

“T will not go down without a fight.
I will create the worst rainstorms and
winter flurries that the world has ever
seen. They may take away my life but they
will never take away my terrible weather!”

Hell breaks loose: Demonically possessed
computers linked to new virus

> Source of the attack remains unconfirmed

Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly

 

Duncan Fingarson
Columnist

 

Fz" Monday morning several
computers became infected with
what authorities are now calling
the ‘Doomsday’ virus. According to
reports, the deadly virus is spread
by email, with unsuspecting victims
receiving a seemingly legitimate
message from a trustworthy source.
When the victim clicks the link in
the email, it directs them to view an
important external document, and
the virus then downloads a literal
demon directly into their hard drive.
Unfortunately, it may not be
immediately apparent that your
computer is suddenly possessed by
a malevolent being from the pits
of the abyss. Early warning signs,
including unresponsive hardware
and the occasional dead pixel, may
be attributed to other causes. The
demon is slow to take hold, and may
be further slowed by a byzantine filing
structure, or fragmented hard drives.
The earliest sign that your
computer is possessed and not simply
suffering from a normal technological
malady, is that it will begin to act on
its own. The tower, screen, and mouse
may move around unprompted, run
without access to any sort of external
power source, or turn up in strange
places where you definitely didn’t leave

them. As the virus progresses, these
events will occur more frequently.

When stage two is reached, the
infected computer will begin to exhibit
more supernatural symptoms. There
will be a slow building of an eternal
wailing of the damned that constantly
emanates from your speakers. Blood will
drip from the disk drives and USB ports,
and a portal to the nether realms may
open on the bottom of the keyboard. The
mouse will sprout horns and chatter in
the tongues of a thousand screaming
goats. Some laptops have been observed
scuttling across the ceiling on hundreds
of tiny tentacles. The cursor icon may
also be replaced with a tiny pitchfork.

At stage three, the monitor may
become a yawning gate to the nine
burning hells. This is believed to
be a side effect, as coders who have
examined the virus report that its
original purpose was to record credit
card information and Steam logins.

While the source of the malicious
attack is still unknown, all reported
cases have come from email addresses
ending in 666. If you have received such
an email, you are advised not to click any
links it may contain. Always examine
your emails carefully to confirm they
have come from a legitimate sender.

If you have already clicked the link
in such an email, or otherwise believe
your computer to be possessed, you
are advised to contact a young priest,
an old priest, and tech support.