humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

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million for newer, faster ferries

> Right-wing pundits fly off the handle

Jake Wray
News Editor

 

ohn Horgan’s NDP government has

set aside $210 million to build three
new ships for BC Ferries, the premier
announced at a press conference.

The BC Ferries fleet is full of

aging, cumbersome vessels, according
to Horgan, who said his government
plans to open bids to BC companies
in order to bolster the province’s
shipbuilding industry. One of the key
features of the new ferries, Horgan
said, is that they will be much faster.

“What could go wrong?” Horgan take an entire two hours to sail in the wake of FAST FERRIES?!”
asked. “We are confident that the from Vancouver to Victoria.” Amy Bowl, a professor of
project will come in under budget.” After the funding announcement, Economics at Langara College, said
Claire Trevena, minister of right-wing pundits and opposition she doubts $210 million will be
transportation and infrastructure, politicians “totally lost their shit” enough to purchase three ferries.
said at the press conference that according to sources. Over the next “That budget might have flown in
faster ships will drastically reduce few hours they clamoured over the ’gos, but it’s a totally unfeasible
ferry wait times and “make life one another, sometimes literally, projection in today’s markets,” she
better” for British Columbians. to get in front of a camera or a said. “Perhaps the government should
“Nobody likes missing a sailing microphone for a chance to decry consider outsourcing production
and being forced to wait five hours the ferry funding announcement. of the ferries to Mexico, Yemen,
on the inhospitable ferry terminal “Fast ferries? FAST FERRIES?!” India, or even Saudi Arabia.”
tarmac,” she said. “We belong cried Todd Stone, a Liberal MLA and Just before press time, sources
to a civilization that has a space former minister of Transportation and said former BC Premier Gordon
station orbiting Earth. People have Infrastructure. “By GOD, how could Campbell had fallen to his knees
walked on the moon. It shouldn’t they forget the doom that always froths and began cursing the heavens.

Authorities warn public to watch
out for oncoming hipster swarm

> ‘We can’t afford to be caught off-guard this year’ says BC Wildlife Department

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

fter the massive amount of

unexpected, unrepairable damage
hipsters caused to the province last
year, officials from the BC Wildlife
Department have issued a statement
urging the public to be aware and stay
safe during the large, incoming swarm
expected to arrive late September.

“We do not want to leave anything
to chance as September comes toa
close,” stated Frank Greener, head of the
department. “Last year we saw tens of
thousands of dollars in damages. This
year our biggest goals are to have both
our homes and music tastes intact by the
end of the hipsters’ seasonal migration.”

The great Canadian hipster is
known to make Vancouver its habitat
all year around, but sightings of the
majestic creature are much more
common in the fall after the swarms
return from “backpacking in a
country you've never heard about and
wouldn't understand the culture of.”

Hipsters are often recognized by
their plaid clothing, beards (except for
most females), and a deep, emotional
emptiness. According to Greener,
Hipsters are usually harmless in groups
of two to five, but can become dangerous
when they rise above that number.

“In large swarms they’ve been
known to destroy favourite restaurants
and entire genres of music ina single

day,” stated Greener. “We are just
making sure that the public can take the
proper precautions to keep themselves
and their personal tastes safe.”

Along with a statement, Greener
and his team hope to step up defences
this year in a number ways, including
banning the purchase of Pabst Blue
Ribbon beer, except for those who
are able to show a certificate proving
they can use irony responsibly.

“Tam confident that with the proper
precautions we can finally start to feel
safer, not only in our homes, but also in
our record stores and favourite greasy
spoon diners. We urge all citizens to be
aware and, like with all nature, you do
not want to touch it—even though it is
beautiful. Please keep your distance.”

B.C. wildlife has offered these
tips on how to be “Hipster Smart”:

Stay alert and be aware of your
surroundings. Watch for hipster signs:
Empty CD and sweater racks at thrift
stores, groups of people listening to
static while claiming it’s “the newest
genre,” and general loitering.

Remember the calls hipsters use
to establish their territory. Notify
authorities if you hear them:

“Yeah, they’re great, I guess.”

“If you don’t listen to an

 

album on an 8-track are you attract hipsters such as cassette you showed them is the type that

really even listening to it?” tapes, scarves, or unicycles. “everyone can enjoy,” be alert. If they
“This place was way better Be aware of any deep, unnecessary fit any of the descriptions listed above

before everyone knew about it.” sarcasm used by people you meet. step away and alert the authorities if
Avoid carrying things that may If someone tells you that the music you see more than three in a group.