March 29, 1985 PAGE 9

s New Kitchen Appliance

bold?’
“Yes. The electric can opener was
ather’s first important contribution to
ankind. Naturally he began to wor-
ship it. He even installed an AM radio

o liven up the services.’’

“Yeah: alright. Tell me about your
ather’s disappearance.”’

“He started acting funny about 2
nd a half weeks ago.”’

‘‘You mean he started telling jokes,
oing pratfalls, and wearing Groucho
Flasses?’’

‘No. He started staying up late in his
ab, acting furtive, and wearing

 

 

 

   
 
   
 
 
 
   
   
   
  
  
 
  
 
   
    
   
  
   
  
   
  
    
  
 
   
 
  
  
  
 
 
   
 
  
    
  
   
  
  
   
    
 
  
   
   
   
    
 
 
 
 
 
  
  
 
   
  
  

Groucho glasses. For a disguise, of
course. Last Thursday when | went to
bed he was still in his lab but he was
gone in the morning, so | called the
police.’’

“Did he say anything about his new
project at all?’’

“No. He just told me to stay out of
the lab and that he was working on
something dangerous, so dangerous
that he couldn’t tell me anything. He
even started locking the lab door. The
morning he disappeared the door was
open, so | knew. something was
wrong.’’

We reached the lab. There were
definite signs of something having
been dragged out the door. Close
analysis of the stairwell revealed
several small paint scrapings and a
gaping hole in the wall. Apparently the
person or persons unknown who had
abducted the professor had also
removed his new invention. But what
sort of dangerous project could a man
who invented electric labour-saving
devices be working on? | went into the
lab to see if any spare clues were
hanging around.

Implements to dice, slice, chop and
squish the living daylights out of your
dinner were lying all over the place. |
began sifting through the clutter.
Nothing. An old wardrobe was leaning
against the back wall, but it only
contained someone’s old wardrobe.
Beside it, in the corner, was the former
site of the mysterious invention. The
marks on the floor indicated it had
been about four feet on each side.
Maybe it was a 400 slice toaster. It
would certainly have military applica-
tions. There was a scrap of paper lying
on the floor. There was an address
written on it. Although | had no way of
knowing how long the paper had been
there | was just thinking what a useful
clue it might be when Lola disturbed
my concentration by sneaking up
behind me and yelling ‘BOO’.

‘“‘BOO’’, yelled Lola. After | regain-
ed my composure | asked her for a
favour.

““Promise me one thing?”

““What?”’

“That you'll never do that again?
Please?’’ She started to cry.

“I’m sorry, | thought it would be
funny.”’

“Now, now, that’s alright. ‘Our
eyes met and a spark passed between
us. | gathered her up in my arms, and
carried her up to a bedroom where we
made love like savage winged lizards.
Afterwards, | told her about the
address, and asked if she could give
me a ride. | even offered to give her
some gas money. What the hell, |
could always put it on my expense bill.

We soon got to the house and | told
her to keep going down the block. |
told her to wait with the engine
running at the corner. | ran up to the
house and the butler let me _ in
immediately. Without either of us
saying anything he led me to the lady
of the house. She was a very old
woman and apparently quite religious,
because she was praying to a picture of
Christ. | looked closer at the picture,
and realized she must have been really
old - the picture was autographed.
Suddenly, everything went black.

| woke up in a cage with a bump on

   

my head the size of Greenland. | was
probably in the basement of the house
because the old lady was there giving
orders to several henchmen.

‘We’ re all going to the other house,
Lum. Stay here and guard the prison-
er.

“Uh..1 will.’”’

““And Mr. Oxx, don’t fall for any of
his tricks.’’

“Don’t worry Miss Selanious.’’

They left and | sized up the guard.
Lum Oxx. What a perfect name. | was
sure that back in his childhood Lum
had been a 95 pound weakling. Thanks
to Charles Atlas he was now two
separate gorillas. Maybe | could fool

him into letting me out. He didn’t
seem very bright.

“Do you like to watch T.V., Mr.
Oxx?’’

“Uh...you bet.’’ (A sure sign of low
intellect)

‘“‘What’s your favourite show?’

“| like them all but my best one is
General Hospital. | was sad to miss it
yesterday. | had to go to the other
house. ’’

No one is as psychologically vulner-
able as a soap opera freak who has
missed a day. | now had a lever to work
on him with but first | was going to
extract every bit of information in his
pea sized brain.

‘‘What other house is that, Mr.
Oxx? Is there a special guest staying
there?’’

“How did you know? Mr. Smith is
the smartest man | ever met. He built
me an’ electric carving knife out of
some lint, three marbles and a piece of
string — everything | had on me.”

Sounded like Professor Cuisinart to
me. | asked Lum if he knew the
address of the other house.

‘| wrote it down somewhere; here it
is. S
The handwriting was the same as
the scrap | had found in the lab. That
made sense, they would have needed
Oxx to carry out the professor’s
invention. | memorized the address,
(42 Pothole Lane - a brief street in the
cheap part of town) and gave the paper
back to him. It suddently occurred to
me that Miss Selanious wouldn’t have
left this informative fool with me
unless she didn’t intend for me to
leave. | decided to reduce the dumb
Oxx to emotional rubble and make
good my escape. Since he had missed
a day of his soap | began to make shit
up.

‘Since you missed General Hospital
yesterday | bet you don’t know Luke’s
dead.’’

“Huh.’””

“Yeah. Fred, the promiscuous May-
tag repairman, shot him because Luke
knew. too much about the backyard
missile silo Sally was installing. They
had to keep him quiet or he would have
phoned Joe, the security guard down
at the mall and spilled the beans.’’

‘“‘Why Luke? He had so much going
for him. He’d just managed to save
enough popsicle wrappers to send
away for the Oldsmobile. And he
finally got an erection, the first since
that horrible experience with the goat.
Oh, the injustice of it all.’’

He started crying, so | decided to
press my advantage.

“You know Lum, you remind me of
a T.V. star.’’

“Really? Who?’

| was thinking of the Hulk, but |
said:

“Superman.”

“| like him too. Do | really look like
him?’

“You sure do, but | bet he’s
stronger than you.’’

“Nlah.’”

“Well, can you bend these bars like
he can?’ :

Just like | figured, he fell for it and
pulled the bars apart. Now | had to
distract him. | pointed to the window
in the far wall.

““Hey Lum. Some kids are playing in
that Jell-o tree.’’

He ran over to the window to yell at
them to get out of the tree. | squeezed
through the gap in the bars and
quickly hit him with the nearest heavy
object | could find, an oak desk. He
crumpled like a cheap polyester shirt. |
snuck quietly upstairs but just as |
reached the top of the stairs | brushed
against an end table piled high with
crystal glassware. What a racket, the
loudest noise I’ve heard since the last
Rolling Stones concert. The only thing
that saved me from certain discovery
and recapture was that no one seemed
to be home. | found the liquor cabinet
with little trouble and grabbed a full
bottle of Jack Daniels - my favourite
bourbon. It’s bad luck to sober up in
the middle of a case. | ran out to the
car where Lola was beginning to get
impatient.

“You've been gone two hours. | was
beginning to worry, especially after a
whole bunch of people came out of the
house and drove off.’’

‘About how long ago?’’

‘‘Maybe half an hour. Do you know
where my father is?’’

“Yes | do. But first we have to go to
a sporting goods store. There’s one on
the way, but we have to hurry, it’s
getting dark.’’

We pulled up at Happy Harry’s
Glorious Gunstore just as the owner
was locking the door. He didn’t look
very happy, and wouldn’t let me in
until | waved some hundred dollar bills
in his face. | came right to the point.

‘Hi Harry. | need two small assault
rifles, preferably 9 mm.’’

““I’d recommend the Israeli UZI.’’

‘Fine, and 4000 rounds for each,
eight pounds of plastic explosive,
American C-24, naturally. Eighteen
teargas grenades. Do you have an
M-79 grenade launcher?’’

““Yes we do, sir.’’ He was calling me
sir, now. | decided to pad out my order
a bit, since the expense account would
cover it.

“A Ruger .44 revolver and a .25
Berreta. Two boxes of bullets for each.
A .30 06 rifle with an_ infra-red
sniperscope. Two thousand rounds.
How are the anti-personnel mines?”

“Just in fresh today, sir.’’

“I'll take a dozen. That should be
everything...No, wait. A Swiss Army
knife, one with the ivory toothpick.’’

“That comes to $2743.95. Would
you like help carrying this out to your
car?”’

““No. | think she can manage it all.”’

TO BE CONTINUED ...