Capricom

(12/22-1/19)

During my month-long absence,

I switched all Safeway’s price
stickers with Best Buy’s price
stickers. Now, people are going to
feel my misery about not having
enough money when they find
out they have pay $250 for a slab
of meat! How’s that for doing
community service, parole officer?

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

When a friend of yours doesn’t
want to talk to you about his or her
personal problems, just go to your
friend’s Facebook page and scroll
through their status updates to
figure out what exactly is on his or
her mind!

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Do you feel like you’ re being
watched? The planets are watching
you. Yes, they’re ones I occasionally
mention when I don’t feel like
explaining important things to you.

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

You don’t need to socialize to be
successful in life! Look at me! I have
no social skills whatsoever and I
still have a job!

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

You know what? You’re not the
centre of attention at all! I’m sick

of you, and your constant pleas of
“Pay attention to me!” Other people
don’t bawl as loud as you do every
time they want something! You

got that, newborn who lives in the
house that I broke into?

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

Reading a good book would be a
top-notch spiritual improvement...
guru...thing. Whatever. Just stop
reading that Fifty Shades of Gray
series already!

Cancer
20

(6/22-7/22)

Worries about money can lead you
to do drastic things, like rob a bank.
The best way to cure this is to go
for a walk and hope you aren’t
involved in a drive-by.

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

You live for being alone. That's
why, as part of my “Stop Shut-Ins”
project, I’ve invited you to two
back-to back parties. You'll thank
me for it later.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

Today, you'll find that all your
friends are actually clothing
brands! So much for claiming to
be a sociable person on all your
resumes. Well, I guess that’s
another job related worry for you.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

You tend to enjoy Solitaire, but it
won't hurt you to play with friends
every once in while—what? Oh, my
mistake. That should be you tend to
enjoy solitude. Just follow the advice
I gave in the other horoscopes.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

The air will be tense tonight

at your family reunion. Your
family members are always full

of problems they don’t share.
Especially about that drunk uncle
who has just recently been arrested
for vehicular manslaughter.

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/22)

You'll get some mysterious phone
calls today. It could be ghost or
the spirit of your old family dog!
But most likely it’s just some brats
goofing around.

With files from Livia Turnbul!

 

Live Wires

In an effort to provide you with better news coverage and put three writers
out of work, The Other Press presents Live Wires, the best news stories
from around the world that we could print for pennies on the dollar.

Edited by Liam Britten,
Humour Editor

Study: nation’s supply of surf rock bands at an all-time low

The Canadian Institute for the Study of Rock ‘n’ Roll Economy
(CISRRE) has announced troubling results from an in-depth study
into the health of Canada’s rock music scene: surf rock bands have
never been scarcer, and may be extinct by the year 2015.

“Tt really concerns us,” said CISRRE chairman “Rockin’” Randy
Riggle. “It’s so sad to think that my grandchildren may never hear
the groovy sounds of vibrato arms on Fender guitars, echoing
reverbs and rockin’ lyrics about being at the beach with your best
girl. It breaks my rockin’ heart.”

While initially mirroring the American scene’s popularity and
vitality, surf rock declined in the ‘70s to near irrelevance. Although
surf music in Canada went through a brief revival in the ‘80s and
‘00s with such bands as Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet, it
would appear those gains were short lived.

The CISRRE, however, does not intend to let the genre die out.
They are planning several efforts to revive surf rock’s popularity,
including a relevance transplant from the long-dead style of hot rod
rock, or possibly simply renaming the genre “dubstep.”

—Associated Associates

Immigration Minister announces new scale to determine if
someone is “too ethnic” to be admitted to Canada

After cutting all non-basic medical services for refugees, referring
to them as “illegal immigrants” and telling the provinces not

to provide health care for refugees, Immigration Minister Jason
Kenney has announced a new plan to objectively measure the
whiteness of new immigrants to Canada to determine whether or
not certain immigrants should be allowed into Canada.

“We're tired of all these system cheaters and queue jumpers
ruining our country. They always have these stories, ‘genocide this,’
and ‘persecution that.’ It’s a bunch of hooey. And when they look
different from people like me, well, frankly, that scares me,” he told
The Other Press in an interview.

The Conservatives’ new scale will measure prospective
immigrants based on skin colour scale, from Ron Howard
(acceptable for Canada) at one end to Wesley Snipes (unacceptable)
at the other. Anyone scoring between Wesley Snipes and Blake
Griffin will be immediately deported.

Although Kenney said that he resents people calling his new
measures racist, he doesn’t deny it.

— Canadian Presto Change-o

Toronto Maple Leafs claim Geroy Simon as NHL free agency
opens

After setting the CFL’s all-time receiving yardage record at BC Place
on Friday, Geroy Simon announced that he would be signing a
three-year, $6-million contract to play for the Toronto Maple Leafs in
September.

“Geroy brings a lot to our organization: class, leadership,
determination, longevity, a winning attitude, and the experience of
being a champion—qualities shared by literally no one here at the
Maple Leafs organization,” said Leafs General Manager Brian Burke
in a prepared statement.

Although surprised by the Leafs’ interest in him as a hockey
player, a sport he has never played professionally, Simon said that
he was ready for a challenge: “I have never been afraid of a little
hard work, which is good, because the Leafs are fucking terrible,”
he said as he was leaving Vancouver International Airport.

—UITI