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March 17, 2004

 

 

Horoscopes

it’s “T’ Time

 

Miss Tarantula Time
OP Contributor

 

Attention: Today is a movie day—
oh yes it’s sunny outside, but gee
whiz, sometimes you just need to
take a break from the hogwash out
there and relax indoors. Besides, it’s
rfot my idea—the stars are translat-
ing for me what to tell you. What
do you think—I can just make this
stuff up? So in the spirit of a movie
day I’m changing it to movie week,
and instructing you what movies
are appropriate and beneficial for
you to watch.

Aquarius

January 20-February 18

Life invigorates you even in
your apathy. This is a great time to
tell a superficial friend what you
really think of them. Your movie of
the week: American Beauty.

Pisces

February 19-March 20

: For an instance of pure
love, you risk everything in your
life. Fictitious stories bore your
shorts off, because only the true
will enlighten. Your movie of the
week: Monster.

 

Aries

March 21-April 19

When the arduous aspects
of your life that you have so long
been avoiding surface, you will take
your loved ones into your arms and
cry. The life that you are leading
isn’t what's important, so save what
is relevant and throw away the rest.
Your movie of the week: Life As A
House.

( Taurus
f-"@y April 20-May 20

. As essential as family is to
you, there are still those times
when you wish they would just die
off and give you some room. Learn
to appreciate the similarities you
have with them, and perhaps the
pain will go away. Your movie of
the week: Postcards From The Edge.

Gemini

May 21-June 21

Given something straight-
forward and plain, you feel insult-
ed. Current events and the intrica-
cies of humankind intrigues you.
Your movie of the week: Barbarian
Invasions.

 

Cancer
& June 22-July 22
Cheap laughs and stupid

stunts are right up your alley,
Cancer. You enjoy mocking the
world that surrounds you with a
Big Mac falling out of your mouth.
Your movie of the week: Super
Troopers.

Leo

July 23-August 22

You may share the love of
stunts with Cancer, but you prefer
them not to be stupid or cheap.
You crave adventure and mystery in
your life right now. Your movie of
the week: Fearless (David Blaine’s,
not Jeff Bridges).

Virgo
August 23-September 22
The world is your stage,

Virgo, and you want someone else
to do the acting. In need of excite-
ment, but incapable of delivering it
yourself, you just need some crazy
friends. Your movie of the week:
Waiting For Guffman.

Libra
September 23-October 22
Suspense thrills you this

week, Libra. You get one twist to
your day, and youre already desper-
ate for another one. Your movie of
the week: Runaway Jury.

Scorpio

October 23-November 21

People strike you as
strange, big ages sometimes, and
you desperately want to run away
by yourself. Don’t pull out the flea
combs yet—there may be someone
who feels the same way. Your movie

of the week: The Idiots.

Sagittarius

November 22

-December 21
The beauty of pain and suffering
incites thought for you, Sag. You
must understand others before you
can comprehend your own per-
sona. Your movie of the week:
Rabbit Proof Fence.

Capricorn

December 22-January 19

You need to do pretty lit-
tle things to fabricate poetry into
everyday errands. Unlike the literal
Leo, truth is irrelevant to you. Your
movie of the week: Heavenly
Creatures.

Illustrations by J.J. McCullough

 

Limericks

 

There once was a writer named Brandon
Who said, “Man, I’ve got nothing to hand in”
He scribbled a verse

His tone was quite terse.

And said, “God, this job’s so demandin’!”

One time the staff of the OP

Went on a New Foundland journey
Where an inside joke

Soon turned into a bloke

Named Wilson, who wrote his own copy

I once met an Iri shman who exuded a great deal of class

He took me aside one morning after a sermon at Sunday Mass
“Sonny,” he said to me kindly

His eyes both honest and shiny

fart in church again, I'll shove a potato up your ass.”

  
 

There once was a write

Who wondered if she eve id marry.
“The men in my life—

they give me such strife,

»

to live forever with one would be scary!

Lynn works with the truest devotion
Recording our thoughts and emotion
Once a week she sits down
To the snarl and frown

_ To track us like a twigs on the ocean

     
   
 
  

The OP—a fine publi
with a very top notch r
The writers are good.

That fact’s understood.
The OP—the best in

    

green the colour of envy is found in my beer
It’s always a sure sign that St. Patty's Day is near
Batten down the hatches

And shake those lovely snatches

Thanks for the Irish romp; see ya same time next year.

 

There once was a sailor named Billie
who finished freeing his willy
He said with an “Aye”

As he zipped up his fly
“Damn this sea air is chilly.”

There once was a man from the “Press,”
Who found himself under some stress,
After checking his mail,

he would bellow and wail,

my inbox appears Limerick-less.

 

 

 

aes, Page 12 e http://www.otherpress.ca