Hold off on the new vacuum cleaner. Don't even consider the matching his and hers handsaws. If it has anything to do with a new way of cooking the same old stuff or a new way of cleaning the same old mess, it’s not a gift and she doesn’t want it under her tree. Peace on earth would be great, but I doubt you have the talent to pull it off, especially within three weeks. Forget Leslie Nielson’s advice on luck: lottery tickets make good gift tags, but proof that you contributed two bucks to some stranger's twenty- million dollar winnings is not a way to show your affection for your own perfect treasure. I know that the grow-your-own-prize- winning-rosebush kit that she fell in love with a few months ago is on at a great sale price, but that’s because the ground is so solid right now that you couldn't dig deep enough to bury a cricket, so skip it. That movie trivia game on TV looks good but admit it, you just want to get it so you can do your Arnie impression. He might be back for more, but she wont. And no one older than ten is allowed to consider a silver-ink bingo dabber with a candy-cane taped to it as a thoughtful and charming present. I know, I know, that shoots down all your best ideas. But dont rush to the phone to call her mother—you know she'll just tell you to get her some nice bath stuff or some hand lotion anyway. Besides, she still hasn't used the stuff you got her two years ago. Fathers, sons, boyfriends, and especially husbands: don't panic, dont despair. I am here to tell you what women really want for Christmas this year. As you may have noticed, we usually oooh and abbh over clothes in all the shops, but buy- ing clothing for other people can be very tricky. Here's a couple of hints. First, do not try to buy us pants or tailored blouses—you'll never get the size right and we'll be worried if they're too big because we'll think you see us as larger than we are, and we'll be upset if they're too small because we ll think that’s the size you think we should be. Neurotic, but alas, too often true. Sweaters on the other hand.... Buy one in a ladies’ store, not Work Wear World—men's sweaters are okay, but they are so broad across the shoulders that, on many of us, they bunch up under the arms and make us feel like we have two extra breasts. There are a lot of plush chenille (it’s like velvet yarn and very soft) pullovers in stores this year—just dont buy one that says “dry clean only.” Another tip: before you go shopping, check the size tag in one of our favourite ‘ one’ ecog- nize—not the ruffle-fronted plaid thing that’s been hanging in the back of the closet since Bennett started talking about some damn thing. Please note: if you buy a red sweater with a green tree pat- tern and little gold bells and pres- ent-shaped ornaments sewn on it, you will be led into the backyard and summarily shot. There is one more” wearable item we would dearly love to get, but will feel it too extrava- gant to buy for ourselves those new pantyhose— you know, the super- expensive, $28, designer- 97 label kind that are supposed to lift your bum into the perfect shape and re-mould your | entire life from the out- side in? Well, we're dying to try them, but we always grab the 99-cent life brand control-tops, which dont really control anything but any fantasies we may have of winning any Cindy Crawford look-a-like con- tests. Apart from dothes, the classic gift idea has to be perfume. But it can also be the biggest waste of your hard-earned money ever, if you get the wrong one. (Hint: Old Spice is the wrong one.) It’s no good asking other women either —if I wear one that smells good on my sister, people who were near me suddenly disappear because they assume I've been sprayed by nasty little vermin. So it’s best to look into your target's own stash. See the bottle that’s seven-eighths empty and has make-up smudged fingerprints all over it? That’s the one. The others are just neat containers or she uses them to re-scent fading bas- kets of dried potpourri. (By the way, dont buy more potpourri. It teally only perfumes a room if you actually simmer it, and clean- ing those soggy leaves out of the pot afterwards is a vile task.) If that favourite perfume is a “Mystic Impressions” or an “Our ‘Vil tell you what want, what I really really want Version of” a more famous one, you are absolutely set for a gift that’s going to have you in her good books until the turn of the millennium. Buy a gift set of the real stuff. If it is already the real stuff, get some more. Or, that failing, buy some perfume-scented lotion or body wash. Now, that she will use (although sparingly, so as to make it last as long as possible). Oh, if you do want to get bath stuff in spite of my warnings, get bath salts or bubble bath rather than beads or oils. Having to scrub to get that oily ring off the side of the tub reverses any de- stressing aromatherapy effects those products may have had on her. Hmm...relaxation. All of us deserve it at least once a year, you might try helping her with that. ant...for Christmas So, I’ve got a whole list of those ideas for you. You could get her one of those long, bead-filled pil- lows that you microwave and use like a hot water bottle—without the mess or the stickiness of rub- ber. You might be able to find a box of gourmet flavoured choco- lates and add a large “for her only” tag to them. For those rare winter days above minus 30, you could buy her a pair of well-lined but still dainty gloves, either black or as part of a scarf and dressy hat set. If all else fails, you can make a guess at her favourite mel- low music—whether it is soft, soothing country, rock ballads or classical strings. For a romantic twist, you could try to find a nice wine (U-brew just doesn't cut it), some really good cheese, iC] TT fat and two glasses. h) U RI B For all the =o women who : arent your one Special offer! and only true love, you can probably get away with buy- ing almost any- thing chocolate, Attn: !! STUDENTS © Copies—Self-service © Colour Laser Copies © Colour Laser Transparencies © Cerlox Binding For Presentations Typesetting, Resumes/Letters, Fax, Address Labels, Business Cards, Rubber Stamps, Laminating or a bit of Bailey's Irish cream. If you have a fair bit to spend and she's the active type, maybe you could buy lift tickets to Powder King (that way you have an excuse to buy them as a present for your- self as well). Even better, you could give her a hand-made gift certificate for a night on the town. You pick the restaurant and the movie/club/activity—she picks the night. Dont let her choose or she'll think about your budget. Sull stumped? Tiny, detailed metallic jewelry is making a comeback. (Do not buy miniature toilet seat earrings. See warning about sweater!) Like those fantas- tic nylons, most of us want salon shampoo and conditioner, or a gift certificate for the hair studio. If nothing above is a help, maybe you can get her my all-time favourite Christmas gift: a personalized, not-to-be-borrowed- by-anyone-else mini ceramic heater with a blast strong enough to warm Pluto. 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Low Fares Today, Tomorrow, Everywhere We Fly. WEE SI = The Other Press ” December 9 1998 Page 3