This issue:

(Y The great social media crisis
(¥ What does Fox News say

Have an idea for a story? Let us know!

Contact: Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Mhumour@theotherpress.ca

 

(¥ Canucks start season off on the wrong skate

And more!

Vancouver Whitecaps embark on the
Douglas Grind to prepare for playoffs

» A new challenger approaches!

Davie Wong
Sports Reporter

[ that time of the year. Playoffs
are approaching for Major
League Soccer teams, and this
year, the Vancouver Whitecaps
are in a position to make a
championship title run. However,
the team has lost their edge of
late.

The team dropped their last
few games and have been blown
out of the water by their rivals,
the Seattle Sounders. In both
games against Seattle in the last
month, the Sounders ran circles
around the Whitecaps.

Vancouver's head coach
Carl Robinson commented on
the situation: “They were fitter
than us and better than us on
the field. They were faster on
chances and we lost because of
it. It doesn’t help that some our
players have already added the
freshman 15 due to their diets
and schedules.”

As of late, many of the
Whitecaps players have been
seen out drinking at bars and
pubs with college students in an
attempt to raise awareness of
the unhealthy habits of first year
college students.

An anonymous source also
confirms massive orders of pizzas

: to dormitories and homes where
: the Whitecaps players reside. :
: Although initially supportive :
: of the initiative, Coach Robinson
: has since changed his stance on

: the awareness campaign. After

: the recent series of letdowns, the
: coach blew a fuse and lashed out
: at his players. He called them,

: “fat, unfit, slobs... not worthy of
: wearing the Whitecaps blue.”

: He then introduced his new

: fitness routine to prepare for the
: playoffs.

The Douglas Grind will

: be the home of the Vancouver

: Whitecaps’ fitness day. The

: daunting hill that leads to

: the Douglas College New

: Westminster campus stands

: at a massive 70 degree incline

: and has haunted its students for
: years.

Amazingly enough, first

: year Douglas College students

: have almost always avoided the
: freshman 15. Scientists have

: studied the anomaly for years,

: and have finally come to the

: conclusion that it is the hill that
: keeps Douglas College students
: in tip-top shape. They have also:
: found the best way, at the request :
: of coach Robinson, to make the
: climb as difficult as possible.

Mental training begins the

night before physical training.

: Players will be forced to stay

: up well past midnight, reading

: textbooks and answering

: pointless questions about topics
: they have no passion for. This

: is said to stimulate the mental

: stress of a playoff run. The

: players will then wake at 6 a.m.
: to simulate the rigorous travel

: schedule ofa deep playoff run.

The players will then be

: handed a 20-pound backpack
: and made to run to their local

city bus stop. If the players miss

: their bus, the coach will heavily

: penalize them. Although the

: buses have a scheduled time,

: some have been told to arrive

: early and some to arrive late, and

 

: some have even been instructed
: to not arrive at all. The

: backpacks are meant to simulate
: the additional weight of all the

: sponsors on the jerseys, and the

: buses are meant to test how the

: players will respond to situations

where set plays have gone wrong. : any players who fail to finish the

: Grind within the allotted time
: limits, or who fall during the

: climb, will have their contract

: shredded and be released from
: the team. He did not specify

After arriving at the base of

: the New Westminster Campus

: via SkyTrain, the players must

: then begin the daunting trek of
: climbing the massive slope to

: the campus, and then scaling the : what this necessarily simulated,
: double set of stairs to get into the :

: main campus building.

The ultimate goal is to reach

the sixth floor in 15 minutes
: from the beginning of the Grind.

Image via sbisoccer.com

: Along the way, they must deal

: with waves of students blocking

: their path and slow moving lines,
: all while continuing to carry

: their 20-pound bags.

Once they reach the top,

they are given five minutes to

: rest and are then instructed to

: go back down to the base of the
: hill and go at it again. They are
: expected to complete the Grind
: five times in total, with a time

: better than 75 minutes.

Each time the players go
up the hill after the first will

: bea different scenario. From

: simulated rain, snow, and ice, to
: grueling heat with no wind. This
: is meant to simulate the type of
: weather conditions the players

: may be playing in during a deep
: playoffrun.

Coach Robinson hopes that

this day of training will help
: sharpen and refocus his team.
: He has told the Other Press that

: but we can only speculate the
: sort of pressure it puts on his
: players.

 

The greatest movie Hollywood has ever made

» We're serious this time

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
© humour@theotherpress.ca

orget the last movie you saw.
It was garbage. Throw a few
super heroes together, so what?
Think bigger. Think bolder.
Marvel has just released a

statement to the press explaining : °4 a
: aliens? Why even limit ourselves

: to one universe?”

their next step in movie
integration.

“The Avengers was a good
starting-off point,” said Marvel
spokesperson Jan Buntly, “but it
was only the first step. We saw
what people wanted, and that
was diversity: a whole bunch of
heroes defeating a whole bunch
of enemies. And that’s just what
we're going to give them.”

When asked if he was

: referring to the much-anticipated :
: Civil War, or even the larger

: scale Infinity War, Buntly only

: laughed: “That’s just another

: stone in the pond for us. Sure

: the Guardians of the Galaxy will
: join up with the Avengers, and

: we'll even get Ant Man in there

: at some point, but why limit

ourselves to super heroes and

After a few minutes of

maniacal laughter, Buntly
: explained where the world of :
: large-scale movie production was :

: headed,

“We simply call it The Movie.

: It will begin shortly after the

: Infinity War, which is when we

: will finally have all the Avengers
: assembled, if you will. Then some :

sciency-space-time-thingy or

: whatever will happen, tearing a
: hole in the Marvel universe and
: integrating it will all others.”

‘Just think of the

: possibilities. Batman will join up
: with Frodo to take on Godzilla,

: meanwhile Curious George and

: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles :
: tackle that giant ghost thing :
: from Ghostbusters. It will be a
: thing of beauty.”

The Movie is planned to

bea trilogy of three trilogies.
: Each of the separate films will

have a running time somewhere

: between the lengths of Avatar
: and Return of the King.

“The entire project will

: probably come to an end in the
: late 2090s,” Buntly said. “It’s

okay if our actors die, because

  

: most of the audience who knew
: that character to be played by

: that actor will probably be dead
: as well. This movie will span

: generations.”

Depending on how it does

in the box office, Buntly has
: optimistic hopes for where this
: trilogy will go.

Image via Marvel

“Who knows, as long as it

: keeps making money, I don’t see
: any reason why we should ever

: stop making these movies. Just

: look at the Avengers: Buncha

: heroes beating up a buncha bad
: guys. That’s all people want

: to see, and they will just keep

: paying to see it.”