Dear Canada

> Watch those who aren't who they seem

A Concerned Citizen

 

ow, I’m not sure how to tell you

this, but Prime Minister Justin
Trudeau seems to be super... two-faced.

Look, I know I sound crazy, but I’m
beginning to notice a pattern. At first, he
starts off really cool and like the kind of
guy that you'd totally introduce to your
parents. He just has such a charming
smile and acts as if he really wants to
change things around here, and don’t
even get me started on his charisma; all
of the other countries were so jealous
that you were able to take him home.

I mean, he seemed so perfect...
at the time. Though, anything
could beat your lousy ex-boyfriend
given his obsession with the Middle
East, and his cold, lifeless eyes.

As time goes on, though, I think

Trudeau's true colours are starting to
show. He avoids your calls and spends
all his time taking the perfect and
totally-not-preordained photo bombs
at graduations—without you. He hasn't
even mentioned when he’s going to start
looking into the Missing and Murdered
Indigenous women cases, even though
he promised that he’d do that ages ago.

He’s also just always trying to
impress other countries around him—
you remember the India incident, right?
You were so embarrassed after, and he
just smiled away; like he always does.

I get that he’s way better to have
than US's boyfriend, but is that really
saying all that much? At least you
know exactly where his head is all the
time, but with Trudeau it’s all “I care
about the environment” one minute
and then the next he’s decided to
buy the pipeline—with your money,

I might add. Just like TLC, it’s time
to say, “I don’t want no scrubs.”

Before you give him the axe though,
I wanted to warn you that it might not
be his fault. I know you didn’t want
me to do this, but I did some digging.
I think that he’s lying about when he
was really born. All the signs point to
it—flip-floppy behaviour, befriending
literally everyone he comes into contact
with despite passionately talking shit
about them only moments before, the
restlessness—Justin Trudeau is a Gemini.
Trust me, I didn’t want to believe
it either. He just displays all of the
symptoms characteristic of May 21 to
June 20 babies. I’m afraid that there’s no
stopping a Taurus rising in Gemini. With
the stubbornness of an ox paired with
the flightiness of the twins, youre set for
a rocky relationship. At least there's still
hope for you though, come next election.
Signed,
Totally not a paid advertisement
by the Conservative government.

Entrepreneur invents ingenious way
to double his customer base

> ‘Dragging customers into my store with a huge net is the best idea I've had says local businessman

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

ack Harpen has been running his

artisan beaver hat shop for over 15
years, but for the past 14.5 years he
has been struggling to stay open.

“That first six months were
great,” Harpen told the Other
Press. “Lots of people were coming
into the shop to buy my hats—lost
and scared tourists, mostly.”

Harpen’s small store, located on
East Hastings, resides on the top floor
of a six-story walk-up between two
buildings that provide needle exchanges
and yelling, respectively. Despite this
less-than-ideal location, Harpen was
determined to make it work and began

trying different ways to attract customers.

“First I tried to lure people in witha
sign that said, ‘Free Candy,” said Harpen.
“But that only brought in children, and

 

ool
WHO ARE WE RAGING
AT TOPAYT

 

they don’t look good in my hats!”

After over a decade of paying his
bills through loud threats, Harpen had
to think of a better solution as his voice
was growing hoarse from all the yelling.

“First, | thought about digging a
hole that pedestrians could fall into
and only letting them out if they agreed
to buy hats, but who has time to dig
a hole?” said Harpen. “But one day I
went into the ocean to cry and saw
the fisherman pulling up thousands
of pounds of fish in their nets.
Suddenly I realized: People are fish!”

Harpen bought a large fishing
net, which caused his customer
base to go from zero to 10 overnight,
and has continued to increase.

“Tjust kind of learned as I went,”
said Harpen. “I figured out that the
best thing to do was throw the net
onto a random street in Gastown
and then drag the customers to my
store. They feel too awkward being

WURASSIC
WORLF-

   
  
  
 

EVERYONE
KNOWS PINOSAURS
HAP FEATHERS!

 

 
 
    
 
 
   
  

 

in there without buying anything.”

Harpen eventually went on to patent
his famous customer net technique.

“There's a lot of kicking involved,” he
told the Other Press. “No other customer
net technique has that much kicking.”

Although Harpen’s technique is
patented, that hasn't stopped other
Vancouver businesses from following suit
with their own nets and styles, some even
claiming to have improved the technique.

Sasha Alden, owner of the
Kitsilano gluten-free dog bakery
Let Sleeping Dogs Rye, told the
Other Press that she was constantly
struggling to make ends meet before
she implemented her own net system.

“T just throw my net out onto the
street during peak hours and drag
whoever I catch into my store; usually
I get three to four people. They kick
and struggle, but eventually they
just give up after they realize they
can't escape a high-quality net.”

   

THAT TOTALLY
CHANGES HOw IT
PICTURE THEM!

 

 

aman

 

=
“4
a. .
Illustration by Cara Seccafien

Alden also employs two strong men
to carry her captured customer base into
her store, but there are many variations
of this system, such as using dollies,
or the classic “nudge with broom until
they do what you want” technique.

Frand Rogen, a tourist from Alaska,
was one customer that was caught a
few days ago by Alden’s net system.

“I was just minding my own business,
taking over 300 photos of that gas clock,
when suddenly I had a net thrown over
me,” Rogen told the Other Press. “I was
separated from my wife and family.
Before I knew it, I was in a gluten-free
dog bakery. I don’t even own a dog, but I
bought three bags of dog cookies because
I felt awkward leaving empty-handed.”

Harpen is developing seminars
for his technique and plans to use
his net-capturing to bring in a record
number of audience members.

 

 

      

Comic by Ed Appleby