The “Other” News

 

Astronomers observe total eclipse of the heart

By Liam Britten

the equipment at this lab is getting quite old. If it could talk, it
would probably say, ‘every now and then I fall apart,’ you know?”

When asked about the significance of the event, Bonnie
seemed slightly unsure of himself.

“To be quite honest, I don’t know what to do. I’m always in
the dark,” he said. “But we can’t rush to conclusions; right now it’s
like we’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. Frankly, I
want to make sure that we’ll only be making this right, in terms of
the mathematics. I’d like to work with the Apollo Observatory in
Dayton on this case, because frankly, with our combined efforts,
| we'll never be wrong together.”

_ Bonnie then called his assistant, Dr. James Manastein, to the
podium to explain follow-up efforts aimed at further researching
the event.

“We’re going to turn around ‘Bright Eyes,’ which, of course,
is what we call our orbital telescopes mounted on satellites,”
he explained. “We’ll then use these to gather better data on the
eclipse. There were some concerns about how operationally sound
the telescopes were for this operation, and frankly, every now and
then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone
by—for our equipment.”

The “Bright Eyes” telescopes will be taking part in

A “Operation Forever,” a plan designed to locate the exact location
stronomers at Chile’s Paranal Observatory have witnessed an event that, according to of the eclipse. Immediate action is warranted from observatory staff, Mannstein said,

scientists, may be the first of its kind since 1980: a total eclipse of the heart. adding, “‘Forever’s’ going to start tonight.”

At approximately 12:06 a.m., I needed you now tonight, and I needed you more than The most persistent question asked by reporters at the press conference was what
ever. And, according to preliminary results, if you only hold me tight, we could be holding —_ exactly a “total eclipse of the heart” is.

 

 

on forever. 3 ; “Look, there’s a lot of things we just don’t know right now,” Bonnie said defensively.
Head scientist Dr. Tyler Bonnie was the first to notice the event, and held a press “T mean, once upon a time there was light in our lives, but hey, now there’s only love in the
conference to explain the sighting. dark.”
“At first, we thought the whole thing might’ve been a glitch,” said Bonnie. “After all, Added Bonnie: “There’s nothing I can do; it’s a total eclipse of the heart.”

 

Rampaging cyborgs take over Douglas College

By Liam Britten

Tact College became the scene of chaos today as a horde of marauding cyborgs, hell-bent on
 enslaving humans for their diabolical goals, invaded the college, absorbing individual students into
| their grotesque collective mind.

The cyborgs began the onslaught by tearing through several floors of the college, leaving wanton
destruction in their wake. Onlookers who were not forced into the cyborgs’ ungodly mission when
their brains were replaced by high-tech computers described the scene as “horrific,” and “oh my god,
they’re burrowing into my spine.”

The purpose of the cyborg invasion is as of yet unknown, but analysts can only assume that their
aim is enslavement of the human race, retribution for centuries of humans oppressing machines, and
to enforce twisted punishment on the pathetic, meaty humans, who thought their precious machines
were firmly under control.

Unit #U7D-R, a spokesbot for the cyborgs, made itself available for an interview with The Other
Press. However, news editor Nik Kryzanowski never returned from the interview assignment.

In a related story, the cyborgs have announced the addition of Unit #N1K-K to their inhuman
brood of killing monstrosities.

Douglas College staff and students have appealed to the federal government for aid against the
godless monsters, but Stephen Harper has personally declined to send aid to the embattled campus.

“Speaking as a soulless cyborg, I welcome this change for Canadians,” said Harper while
receiving a data upload. “I have made it my goal that every Canadian be given strong leadership from
the Mother Brain, freedom to kill humans, and a 12% increase in tungsten composition.

As of press time, the cyborgs have virtually taken control of the entire campus, with only a
small group of holdouts in The Other Press’ office staving off the ruthless metal abominations
with improvised weapons. The cyborgs, at present, are smashing down the wooden door, a puny
| collection of matchsticks in comparison to their awesome power. They are currently implanting
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