np eReNETERSSEES : se The Ugly Truth epinionsubmit@hotmail.com Mass metia and big government make it all sound so pretty Brandon Ferguson, Opinions Editor I was leisurely enjoying a pitcher of beer at the strip-club- turned-degenerate-bar Hippos when a commercial for the Conservative Party of Canada came on. In it, Stephen Harper and two senior MP's talked “strategy and hope” in a futuristic, glass-encased nerve centre as. busybodies rushed around working futiously foPsethe greatée good. The spot was replete with NYPD Blue-ish’shaky cameras and flawlessly ‘ ‘unscripted banter. If the dialogue alone didn't move me, then the allusion that those guys honestly _ hang out in an earthquake-tidden Bat Cave talkin@"about us regular folk-and how they: can better our lives- cermngy i did. It was truly touching. ~ ' If you thought tomato juice | in Coors Light w was E064, : try crocodile tears in flat Molson Canadiali “ a Rhetoric, kids; it's out there, every drop more slimy and reptilian than the last It's wed to perecars convince, evoke, and a ers the p moment of sheer per sound bite canonize p' Truth: Vince Carter's a through a runny nose. Truth: politicians long a ee, favour of camera presence, stickin' Sage, unwa- vering stoicism in the face of criticism, and appearing on public relations-contrived talk shows. And the media is to blame for this. The success of Spin Doctors should have been limited to that great year of 1993, when “Two Princes” was top- ping the charts; gas was cheap, wars were justified, and Keisha Chante was.still where she belongs, in diapers. Instead, spin-doctors and rhetoric robots have taken over the landscape of Canadian and American politics. In Canada, it was-the singular fear that the conserva- tives would privatize healthcare that put Paul Martin's Liberals back in power. The press covered the assertion as a tactical maneuver without ever questioning it. They dis- cussed the strategic implications rather than investigating the actual merit. When it became blindingly obvious that the Liberals were corrupt, we accepted the Gomery process and were promised an election once “the truth came out” in December. The truth will now be delayed until February. The press tells us that the public has decided to patiently wait ad move on. @anadians are the best lot of them all. We are ridicu- lously, considerate and remarkably compassionate, which is exactly why our strings can be pulled so softly. _ Americans, however, are astoundingly patriotic and “absurdly paranoid, which is why their strings can be pulled So easily. » The recent events in the South have proven to be a real showcase of American media. Storm warnings led the _. newscasts in the days leading up to Hurricane Katrina, fol- lowed shortly thereafter by Supreme Court updates, news from Iraq, Bush picking his ass with an armadillo at his ranch in Texas, an Idaho potato farmer and his dog Buck, etc. Then the storm hit and all nature (both Mother and human) broke loose. All of a sudden, the White House's ability to overtly ignore reality became magnified. Maybe it was the scenes of death and abandonment; maybe it was the symbolism of the Super Dome being ripped to shreds; maybe it was because pretty boys Anderson Cooper (CNN) and Brian Williams (NBC) were pooping their pants in the heart of it; whatever the case, for the first time in four years, a carefully rehearsed press conference wouldn't be enough. Now, I need to confess something. I am utterly infatu- ated with American media. It both amazes me and fright- ens me-like a mind-blowing acid trip over the airwaves; it’s heroin for the head and Zoloft for the ass. And so I watched. For the first two days, the story was about the story: Hurricane Katrina's assault and unprecedented devasta- tion. Then, for four days, it was stories of mayhem, rape, murder, squalor, and looting-the story of suffering was further compounded by Bush's banal use of rhetoric. “Brownie's (FEMA chief Robert Brown) doing a helluva job.” “I can't wait for Trent Lott to build a better house than the last one, and I'm looking forward to sittin' on the porch with him.” “We're not going to play the blame game.” The press finally stood up and-gasp!-did their job. Questions became fierce, heated, impassioned, even thoughtful. Science Mad Hatters Selective mass murder the answer to global warming Donald Kawasaki, Donald Kawasaki Foundation Haven't you ever wanted to murder someone and get away with it? I remember as a young child, so in love with Canada, asking my parents if it would be okay to kill our neighbour because I saw him dumping anti-freeze in an empty lot, using an aerosol tire cleaner, and smoking cigarettes— unfiltered. “Son,” my father said, “sometimes you’ve just got to let assholes be assholes.” New research at the Kawasaki Korporation now proves that my father, the fucking liar, is in fact wrong. In a study conducted over the past 10 years, we have scientifically proven that the systematic murder of jerks and undesir- ables is actually beneficial to the environment. “Tn areas of high death density and, on occasion, geno- cide, the grounds in which the bodies are buried have shown dramatically higher rates of nutrient rich soil,” the Diagnostic Inventory of Environmental Benefits of Uniform and Selected Heart Stoppages (DIEBUSHS) said. “Furthermore, the reduction in carbon dioxide production eases the burden on foliage and the ozone layer.” Isn’t that exciting? The implications cut across all aspects of life—from chronic polluters in industry to bad economic policy makers, we now have full justification to live out my childhood dream and embark on a murderous rampage. I love my country, but Canada’s reputation as a world leader in sound environmental policies is somewhat mis- leading. There are still countless industries dumping ben- zene and chlorine into Ontario’s great lakes, companies slashing the last North American rain forests of British Columbia, and people who just smell really bad in Quebec. Waiting for legislation to catch up to science is as frustrat- ing to watch as the evolution of those stupid fuzzy boots. However, we can do something about this by killing the worst offenders and still benefit the environment. If you look to world leaders in this Moral Crusade of Mulching—countries like Cambodia, Bosnia, and Rwanda—we can tangibly correlate the high murder rates and mass graves to what has become lush greenery and a more vibrant and robust ecological system. Cambodia, the first nation to fully grasp the benefits of such an environ- mental policy, didn’t have a Pol Pot to piss in before their human fertilizer campaign began. Now, it is a tourist hotbed and boasts some of the healthiest species in Asia. Bosnia’s landscape now resembles the rolling hills and clear springs of the Scottish glens—which only came about because of Britain’s medieval-desire to unite a kingdom through sensible environmental planning and mass murder. Even Rwanda, who implemented the MCM theory less than a decade ago, is beginning to explode with economic Continued: P.9