Opinions June 2, 2008 Aimee Ouellette opinions @theotherpress.ca Apocalypse how? Aimee Ouellette opinions editor I you had to end the world right now, how would you do it? That may be a surprising question, but it’s something I think about all the time. For example, I was going to write this article about eco-density, skyrocketing real estate prices, and the economy, but it was starting to get too negative and depressing and all I could think about was the world ending. I’m a neurotic person by nature, so when I think about “bad things” on a large scale, my mind immediately wanders into apocalyptic scenarios where frogs are extinct and there is no rice left. Seriously, someone tells me something about rising gas prices and suddenly I have an image of a future Vancouver where everyone is covered in bugs and suffering from sushi withdrawal. Oh, and there’s zombies— what’s an apocalypse without zombies? To keep myself from becoming too frightened about the end of the world, I try to make a game of it. Which world- ending disaster would be worst? The best? The funniest? This was a great game to play when I was in junior high school, because it was the ‘90s and most of my apocalyptic scenarios were non- plausible, like “snap-bracelet shortage results in widespread rioting at No Doubt concerts,” or “those clear jelly shoes turn out to cause cancer.” Nowadays, though, pretty much everything I hear on the news is a viable cause for concern. In fact, there are so many apocalyptic possibilities now that I have to group them into genres to even keep track of them all. If the Large Hadron Collider they’ve got in Sweden creates a giant black hole that sucks up the entire earth? Well, that is a prime example of Ambitious Science Experiment Goes Awry. Some crazy dictator presses the button—BAM-—and we get fifty years of nuclear winter? Definitely an example of War Turns Out To Be Bad Idea After All. Weather crises like hurricanes and volcanoes destroy most of the earth? That’s probably going to be chalked up as Mother Earth Has Post-Partum Depression. Some apocalyptic scenarios can’t really be put into one tidy box, however. For example, gas shortages lead to worldwide food shortages, which in turn could cause hoarding and rioting, which would then lead to wars; and if there’s war, there’s the possibility of nukes. Or bioterrorism. Or maybe half of the world’s population will get taken out by a wicked strain of MRSA flu, which is a horrible cross between bird flu and antibiotic-resistant infection I just made up right now. You see, productive lines of thought like this one are why I’m writing to you as a section editor of such a prestigious newspaper. Think of it this way—when we’re huddled in our bomb shelters because genetically engineered pandas were angered by our attempts to turn bamboo into biofuel and rose up to exact revenge on humans, at least we can all sit and argue about which genre of apocalypse our particular scenario falls into. And there will always be the comfort that a zombie apocalypse would have been worse. Because zombies are always worse. A few new views on the headlines Laura Kelsey assistant editor Protester should pay up In October, 2005, a protestor that couldn’t let go of the plight of teachers picketed the Burnaby Bus Centre, halting bus service for several hours. I had rushed that morning to get ready for one of my two jobs, waiting to catch a bus from Hastings and Boundary that would then drop me off at Commercial so I could reach my final destination of Princess and Hastings. A silly system, but one I had to live with. I ran down my apartment-complex steps to stand in the October shitty weather to wait for a bus that never showed. When I realized the bus was not going to show, I ran to my car and braved the morning rush hour. Upon arrival at work - late - there were very few spaces left to park. I must have worked too close to an intersection. When I went outside after work to retrieve my car, it was gone - towed. Donna Peterson, the protester, probably didn’t realize how much she was disrupting commuters’ lives that day. She probably didn’t think about the domino effect that could result. Or maybe she just didn’t care about the consequences of he actions. Coast Mountain Bus Co. is considering legal action against her. Good. Dicks and dogs Was Jeremy Pete, the guy (I hestitate in calling him a “man”) who put his week-old daughter up for sale on Craigslist just joking around? Who cares. Pete, who was involved in the death of Vancouver Police dog Nitro (in New Westminster), really does sound like a “dick,” for lack of a harsher word. Dogs and babies alike may be safer if he were behind bars. View should include the trees Queen Elizabeth Park’s tree management are considering the cutting of 70 trees that are blocking the view. Life in BC means living with trees. They should be celebrated, especially in parks. Aren’t we as proud of our trees as we are of our metropolis? I’d welcome trees blocking my view of an ugly city, anytime. A little girl who loved horses The vehicular homicide of 4-year-old Alexa Renee Middelaer in Delta on May 17 will probably go down as one of the saddest stories of 2008. Not only was a beautiful little girl’s life stolen away, but the fact charges against the drunk, speeding driver have still not been laid makes the murder even more devastating and frustrating. Condolences go out to the family.