. ears NT fi Tid at (OTHER EE yum a ota oxesors,,.| MHR Baby Snattching Scam F ON UNCONSUMED CHIPS APRIL 13, 1983 RISE NEW WESTMINSTER (CRAP)-Douglas College stu- dent Brian Pharez is being held in police custody after he apparently went berserk and killed 47 people with a plate of french fries from the school cafeteria. Witnesses say Pharez had gone into the cafeteria, purch- ased the fries, sat down and started to eat them when he suddenly. became irrational, got up and started to bludgeon anyone within range with the plate of fries. that However, police say Vote The Right Way Between 1972 and 1975 the N.D.P. nearly succeeded indestroying } ‘this glorious province .Through the use of insane communist tactics the province was driven to its knees, Between 1975and 1983 however the the Social cai Party ended th> Red scare in Super Natural British Columbia Through the use of mega-projects Social Cretin has mastered the art of hidina a deficii. On May 5 vote for the party that beleives that ignorance is the right of every Empire of British Columbian. Bill Bennet ON MAY FIFTH most of the victims were no killed by the blows but by an allergic reaction caused by pr- oximity to the fries. 32 other people were also hospitalized as a result of the killer fries. Pharez will be brought: to stand trial next week and it is expected that he will enter a plea of not guilty due to reason of exams. Seasoned court- watchers predict that he will not be punished too severely, and expect him to get a max- imum of 40 lashes with a soggy copy of The Other Press. Vote Social Creti by Cynthia Wasp Grace McCarthy, Minister of Human Resources, admit- ted to allegations this week that her department is directly involved in the illegal detain- ment and selling of young chil- dren. “Yes it’s true. It’s been going on fot some time now. We’ve been able to make quite a bit of money at it too.”’ Asked who her paying clients are, she replied, ‘‘Upper Mon- golians. Some of them are quite well to do. Once we gain custody from unsuspecting parents, we make the connect- ions, and ship them off. We - Stick it in Your face, Grace Gold Shovel Found, OPBlamed The solid gold shovel, stolen during Douglas College’s opening ceremonies last mon- th, has been retrieved thanks to the efforts of the RCMP and the Douglas College Student Society! Bill Blanchard, a criminology student currently on the DCSS executive collected the $10,000 reward and the thanks of many in réturning the shov- el and compiling evidence ag- ainst those who took it. “I felt really strongly against those people who stole the Minister’s (Bill Vander Zalm) shovel’’, Blanchard said in an interview Monday. ‘‘I mean... it’s against the law and it makes my blood boil when people break the law’’,, Blan- chard says his eventual career objective i is to become a police man. <‘So we can get the scum off the streets,” he said. According to evidence gath- ered by Blanchard several members of The Other Press were involved in the conspir- acy to spoil the opening cere- monies for everyone by pro- testing and taking the shovel. The 17 conspirators are curr- ently being held without bail to be arranged sometime in late May. The shovel is being held by the RCMP as evi- dence. really have the best interests of the children in mind you know.”’ The scheme seems to have top level support. Premier Bill Bennett and McCarthy, acting in her cap- acity as Deputy Premier, had been brainstorming for weeks ‘to come up with a workable solution to reduce the looming provincial deficit. ‘It seemed like a real good good idea. I mean, MHR has been actively involved in taking custody of children for years. Who would have thought anything was amiss?’’ says McCarthy. ‘The tax payers should be pleased that the Social Credit is taking active, socially con- scious steps to reduce the def- icit, while at the same time cutting down costs of caring for children at public ex- pense.’ P.C.C.C. At Douglas by Wayne Gretzky — Douglas College’s new Pro- gressive Conservative Cam- pus Club elected three dele- gates, two of them Amway ex- ecutives, to the summer Con- servative leadership conven- tion. ‘Delegate Richard Swat, a part time student auditing a library research night course, said ‘‘We formed the club so las College students soul have some input in who Bi pone Prime, Minister will i Swat declined to say why the Campus Club meeting wasnt advertised around campus and said he wasn’t sure how many: of the.200 people attending the packed meeting in the low- er caf were students but, ‘‘in a sense we're all students, learning to get along in God’s world and understanding the greatness of our free enter- prise system.’ One student, studying for < nal exams, was unknowingly elected as a delegate. Ronda Brass said, ‘‘They asked me if I was a student here, I said ‘Yea’, and they offered me a sample pack of Amway pro- ducts if I signed a couple of pieces of paper...I didn’t want to bother--I just wanted to do my homework--but they kept insisting and talking about “kicking the commies out of the Conservative Party, finally I just signed.”’ The meeting dissolved with no date set for the next meet- ing.