issue 15// vol 45 needed in order to 4 recover from first > ‘Maybe a third?’ Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Pessonte locals gathered this Saturday in front of the Vancouver Art Gallery to rally for a second winter vacation. “In order to recover for the first one,” Chris Lax, the head of the movement, explained to press at the rally. Lax, along with hundreds of citizens, reported a severe decrease in motivation, drive, and ambition. “We can't be expected to go back to work and school in this state,” Lax yelled to a cheering crowd. “We need at least another week off to completely recharge!” Scientists say the lethal combination of carbohydrates, alcohol, and family drama leaves the mind and body severely weakened and prone to staring at social media for hours on end. “I want to support the cause, I really do,” said Dorothea Pert, a high school teacher whose eyelids were beginning to droop during the interview. “It’s just I’m so tired... and we've been up since nine this morning. I would love to take a quick power nap, just rest my feet for a little bit. It’s been such a long day...” Other protesters like Damon Redford had a bit more pep. “Two straight weeks of drinking? Watching Christmas movies for a whole month? Do you even know what that does to a man? | had to watch The Grinch for the ninth year in a row. My friends can quote it by heart. Who wants to be able to quote the goddamned Grinch?” Alexandria Gravinksy, graduate student, had four essays to write over the winter break. “I didn’t crack a single book,” she said. “When could I find the time? Between flying out to visit my grandmother in Calgary for Christmas, seeing my aunt in Halifax for Boxing Day, and my girlfriend’s family back in Vancouver for New Year’s Eve, my entire holiday season was booked solid. I'll need two weeks off just to get over my jet lag” Many cited Seasonal Affective Disorder as their need for an extended holiday. “I spent the entire break holed up in my basement suite watching reruns of True Blood,” Vancouver local Chris Switch told reporters. “I haven't seen the sun in weeks, and I maxed out my credit card DoorDashing falafel. All in all, one of the best Christmases I’ve ever had. But boy, am I exhausted!” Lax started the movement only days before his protest but is certain it will gain traction in the weeks to come. “People complain about Christmas starting earlier and earlier every year. With decorative trees going up as early as November 10, it’s only natural that we should need about three months off. Three and a half if it’s a leap year.” As reporters were finishing interviews, many of the protesters were lying down on the steps of the Vancouver Art Gallery for an afternoon siesta. “Tryptophan from too many turkey dinners,’ Lax said mid-yawn, rubbing his eyes. “Could we finish this interview, say, around March 9?” Favourite child revealed through humour // no. 17 A Christmas gifts » ‘Simon is lucky he got anything at all’ Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor €¢€ Tlove both of my children equally,” Josie Dunn, lying mother of two, said to the Other Press last Thursday. Though they won't admit it, all mothers have a favourite child—and Josie is no exception. “The truth really came out this Christmas,” golden boy Steve Dunn winked as he told reporters. “I’m not going to say I’m surprised.” Everything came to light when Steve and his lesser, uglier brother Simon saw their respective present piles under the family Christmas tree. Simon Dunn, droopy-eyed underdog, recounted the scene in clear detail. “I came downstairs and saw a big pile of presents. At first, I was excited. Then when I examined the tags, I noticed around t-ree fourths of them had Steve’s name on them. One of them was very clearly a new snowboard. He doesn’t even snowboard! I snowboard!” “T’ve never been snowboarding, but I feel like I would be pretty good at it. I’m pretty good at most things,” said Steve, who has the natural posture and good looks of a news anchor. “IT would never favour one of my kids over the other!” Josie said, avoiding eye contact. “Stevie is such a sweet boy. He loves his mother and he makes me so proud. And Simon... Simon drives his grandmother to the grocery store sometimes when we're out of town. And he takes care of the cats. He’s good too.” Jeff Dunn, father of Steve and Simon, told reporters, “She definitely likes Steve more. | mean, who wouldn't? Have you ever seen that kid throw a football? I swear to God, it could clear the damn field. He’s a natural!” “I went to look into my stocking,” Simon said, tearing up like a little bitch. “And I just pull out one big Toblerone. That’s it! Steve had tickets to a hockey game, a pair of leather gloves, patterned socks, a laminated deck of cards—all thoughtful gifts. I can’t even eat almonds!” “Did you see him crying and eating his chocolate like a baby?” Jeff asked as Simon wept in what was once his wimpy childhood bedroom that has since been converted into a guest bedroom. “He's got to pull up his socks and get it together. It’s Christmas, after all.” When asked what Josie received from her sons on Mother's Day, her eyes grew misty. “Steve wrote me the loveliest note that said, ‘I love you, Mom. It means so much to me that he would take time out of his busy day to think of me. He really is the apple of my eye, you know. A mother couldn't ask for anything better” When asked about Simon's gift, Josie rolled her eyes. “He bought me and his father a seven-day, all-inclusive trip to Cuba. Christ, what a little suck-up.’ New hairstyle won't matter, you'll still be ugly >» Don't you dare even think about getting Bardot bangs Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor A recent interview with hairstylist ebecca Friedland last Sunday revealed that it doesn’t matter what hairstyle you choose—you'll still be ugly. “A lot of people come into my salon asking me what hairstyle suits their face, or if they would suit bangs or not,” Friedland, owner of Bangs for Your Buck, told Other Press reporters. “Most of the time, I just tell them that no matter what they do, they’re weird-looking and they will probably die alone.” Andrea Trobek, a Sociology professor from Simon Fraser University, noted in science magazine Psychology, like, Tomorrow that “for most people, the debate between side bangs and blunt bangs is the most fundamental existential crisis since deciding where to go for dinner last night.” Little do they know, their fringe choice won't make a dent on the grotesque monstrosity that is the face they were born with. “People think making a drastic change in their hair choice will change their life for the better. The average person spends an average of eight days in their lifetime debating between side bangs and blunt bangs. That’s eight whole days that you could spend on accepting your hideous face for how it really is and going to the gym to work on your awful body as well. And while youre at it, you should stop by the dentist and stop slouching. It’s very unbecoming.” Friedland, who has been a stylist for over nine years, said people often bring in photos of models or celebrities that they want to base their own hairstyles on. “The one thing wrong with this approach is that models and celebrities are good-looking,” Friedland explained. “It’s pretty much their everyday job. Emma Stone could get a mullet and look daring and innovative. But the average person? Not so much” “This woman brought in a picture of Jennifer Aniston and asked for her hair,” Friedland recounted to reporters. “I sat her in the chair and made her look at herself in the mirror. I said, ‘Sweetie, you don’t look like Jennifer Aniston. And you're never gonna look like Jennifer Aniston, even with some lowlights and face-framing texture’ It was tough, but she had to hear it. She’s been a faithful client ever since—in fact, I’m cutting her hair next week.” Trobek has been studying the link between ending relationships and getting blunt bangs. “It’s basic human instinct—as the relationship begins to falter, people will find themselves frantically googling ‘Amelie film bangs; ‘Beyonce short hair bob bangs, and ‘pixie cut DIY’ Although the urge to grab the scissors may be strong, try and refrain. Youre already ugly and it really, really shows.” Is there any hope for the individual who is looking for an all-around face flattering option that will make them look more sophisticated and stylish? “Yes,” says Friedland. “I recommend plastic surgery.”