Shis issue:

(¥Y Breakups for Dummies?

Ca ofits] .<-muarel mel fesscy.
(Y Grammer Time

And more!

Been told you're too funny?

Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

4 humour@theotherpress.ca

www.theotherpress.ca

 

Split into two

» My risqué and dangerous love triangle

Mercedes Deutscher
Staff Writer

M: heart is split between

two, and I can’t decide
which one to choose.

I’ve been wooed by my
childhood love, Pasta. I grew
up with Pasta, and we both
know each other very well.
We have countless memories
together, such as the early
days when he was just a small
macaroni. Oh, he was so
cheesy back then!

As he matured, he was
lanky fettuccine, putting on
too much alfredo. Those were
tough times for the both of
us. It was so hard to find the
true him beneath all of that
sauce. Alas, I started seeing
him with a new light after our
adolescence.

He had gone through
so much, from being hollow
penne to growing into the slim
and tall spaghetti he is today.
I would get so jealous seeing
him take those side salads out,
but I knew in my heart that
they wouldn't last.

Finally, we reunited!

 

 

: We would spend late nights
: together, watching TV, hanging :
: out in the kitchen. He’s awfully
: kind and feeds me whenever I

: am hungry.

I thought that he was the

: one—that is, until someone

: else caught my eye.

He goes by the name

: Netflix, and he is full of

: excitement! He showed mea

: whole new world of laughter.

: Soon enough, we were in bed

: together, under the covers and

fooling around.

There is a sense of danger

: to Netflix. Once I was late for

: class because I lost track of

> time when he was showing me
: serious documentaries. For

: awhile, I developed a meth

: problem with him—thankfully
: that subsided when we finished
: watching Breaking Bad.

Once, I was spending

: time with my dear Pasta when
: Netflix showed up on my

: screen. While neither of them
: caught on to each other at the
: time, I was terrified.

To try to relieve my guilt,

: I started eating Pasta more

: and more, and that worked

: out fora while. However, while
: spending time with Netflix, it

: couldn't be ignored that I had
: gained some weight.

Pasta also noticed that

: I was spending less time in

: the kitchen and more in my

: bedroom with my laptop. He

: was still onto me, even with all
: of the extra seasoning I gave to
: him.

I’m afraid that if I don’t

choose one, I will lose them
: both. But who do I pick? It’s
: so difficult to imagine living
Image by Joel McCarthy : without either one of them.

: On one hand, Pasta has always
: been there for me, even when

: Iwasa little girl. But Netflix

: has so much excitement and

: variation to him.

Perhaps I can hold on to

both of them for now.

 

#RepaintGate?

» Suspicious incidents cause Super Bowl to erupt in time delays, hilarity

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

ontroversy erupted at

last Sunday’s Super Bowl
game, with accusations flying
from both sides of the field.
Social media was abuzz over
New England Patriots kicker’s
comment at halftime.

“It’s the goal posts ... they

orange,” said the kicker after a

field goal attempt.
The hashtag #RepaintGate
began trending worldwide,

so that a panel of experts could
investigate.

As the three-hour-long
#RepaintGate investigation
commenced, more controversy

: arose from the sidelines.

Seattle Seahawks running

: back Marshawn Lynch told

: reporters during an impromptu
: mid-game press conference

: that he believed the Patriots

: were using unfair and unlawful
: strategies.

“They’ve been making

: strange noises on the line,
: they all chant this strange
looka slightly different shade of : guttural sound, I think it’s

: voodoo,” Marshawn eagerly
particularly embarrassing failed : told reporters, answering all
: questions that were asked

: of him ina very cooperative
: manner.

leading to an extended halftime :

To combat this, the fabled

“twelfth man” of the Seattle

: stadium began chanting their
: own chant, and “DE-FLATE DE- :
: FLATE” was heard repeatedly
: from then until the end of the

: game.

The Patriots, meanwhile,

: began to have the impression

: that hidden speakers

: underneath the stadium had

: boosted the distracting noise of
: the crowd, and they would not

: continue play until a thorough

: search had commenced.

After the eight-hour-long

: game was over no one was

: even sure who had won; with

: so many fines, penalties, and

: investigations that would need

: to be finished before a true

: victor would be crowned, the

: two head coaches elected to

: settle it in the most football-like
: manner possible: the flip of a

: coin.

Seattle Seahawks win Super

: Bowl 2015, with tails.

 

Image from Thinkstock