humour / 22

‘Biathlon Battle Royale’
for more viewers

» Boring sport reinvented with a modern, ‘Hunger Games’-style twist

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te

Aidan Mouellic
Staff Writer

 

ership and their sport becom-
ing basically obscure, members
of the International Biathlon
Federation (IBF) have voted in
new “Biathlon Battle Royale”
rules to take effect next season.

“Biathlon is no longer

exciting enough for younger
and newer viewers—they want
action, they want thrills,” said

Under the new rules,
biathletes will no longer just
be shooting stationary tar-

each other. Racers will still ski
and shoot targets, but after
a certain time has elapsed in
the race, they will be allowed
to shoot one another with
rapid tranquillizer bullets.
The new bullets are safe, but
they eliminate the chance of
finishing the race if hit with one.
The tranquilizer drops a skier
faster than a failed doping test,
and will keep them knocked
out for close to five hours.

The rifles used in biathlon
typically fire .22 caliber bullets

that would be deadly to the

: athletes. The IBF realized that

: they need competitors alive

: to keep the sport alive, so they

: have introduced a fast-acting

[° the wake of dwindling view- :
: become standard issue on the

: racing circuit and facilitates the

: new Battle Royale race format.

tranquilizer bullet that will

Norwegian doctors have

spent over two years developing
: the high-tech ammunition

: undera thick cloak of secrecy.

: One of the doctors, who wished
: tonot be named, told us that the
: first few prototypes developed
IBF chairman Walther Peepikay. :
: atest subject and they would

: stumble for minutes and then
: be out cold for days.” Aftera
gets—they will also be shooting :
: changing the design of the car-
: tridges, the doctors succeeded

were awful: “We would shoot

long period of tweaking and

in developing the ammunition
that acts fast and stays in the
system fora shorter period.
Most athletes are not keen
on the rule changes. Biathlete
Geoff Clark of Los Angeles
tells the Other Press that, “In
the neighbourhood I live in, I
have to dodge bullets on the
way to Whole Foods. I became
a biathlete to avoid being
shot and now I will be shot; it
sucks but at least I won't die.”

The IBF realized
that they need
competitors alive
to keep the sport
alive, so they have
introduced a fast-
acting tranquilizer
bullet

Still, the IBF stands behind
their decision and thinks
that it’s a win-win solution to
dwindling viewership numbers.

“We get our viewership
numbers up on television,
and no athlete has to get shot
with real bullets to achieve the
result of increased advertising
revenue,” explained Peepikay.
“It’s a situation with no losers,
we all benefit from this—the
public gets entertained, the
athletes get to live, and the
IBF increases revenues.”

Clearly, biathlon is heading
ina more violent direction, and
time will only tell if the changes
will be welcomed by the rest of
the sporting world. For the time
being though, it seems that
the sport has found a way to
stay relevant ina world seeking
thrilling violence in sports.

theotherpress.ca

 

By Joel McCarthy

 

‘Girls’ and “The Walking Dead’ announce
March sweeps crossover episode

» Twenty-something ennui meets the undead

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Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
WM humour
@theotherpress.ca

 

I° a move unprecedented in
television history, AMC and
HBO announced yesterday
an innovative new plan to
dominate Sunday evening
ratings, just in time for March
sweeps: a crossover episode
linking the hit shows The
Walking Dead and Girls.

“It’s the best of both
worlds,” said AMC president

thrilling suspense of characters

navigating their way through
a horrifying world filled with

The Walking Dead.”

The episode, which is slated

: to air on Sunday, March 9, is

: rumoured to feature popular

: Girls characters Hannah and

: Marnie as they go ona road trip
: to save their ailing friendship.

: Little do the girls know, the trip
: will be interrupted by a horde

: of undead individuals. Only

: young Carl, from The Walking

: Dead, can rescue the girls—but
: will his big hat be enough to

: fight off the walkers? And what
: happens when Hannah decides
: she wants to have sex with one

: particularly attractive zombie

: (to gain life experience to write

Mark McMoney. “You've got the about on her new blog)?

“Am I worried about

: sharing screen time with

: bloody, deadly, horrible beings?

vacant, violent souls...and then : Not really” noted Girls creator

you also have the zombies from ; and star, Lena Dunham. “I

: mean, have you seen Jessa?”

 

i — |
By Joel McCarthy