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Ho-Ho-Hanukkah?

» Santa makes a big confession

Adam Tatelman
Staff Writer

Yee global holiday
icon Saint Nicholas, A.K.A.

“Santa Claus,” arranged for

an interview with the Other
Press to shed some light on an
ancient misconception that
has coloured his public image
since he was first recognized
as the patron saint of children.
According to Father Christmas
himself, he is not in fact a
jolly old elf, but a citizen of
Patara, Greece. Furthermore,
he claims to have nothing to

: do with the Christian religion.

“It’s a bit funny, really,”

: said St. Claus, his droll little

: mouth drawn up like a bow.

: “Pm actually Jewish. Have

: been since the Exodus. The

: Christian clergy made me

: Bishop of Myra back in the

: fourth century because |

: brought gifts to little children.
: [tried to explain myself, but

: they were very insistent.”

St. Claus was quite eager to

: explain the difference between
: his days as Bishop and his

: modern image. “I only cared

: about making the children

: happy,” he said, “so I went along
: with it at first. It wasn’t so bad

: having a feast celebration in

: my name. But as the years went
: on, | decided to change my

: image in favour of something

: more secular. So that’s why I

: took the Coca-Cola deal.”

“The North Pole isn’t really

: the Winter Wonderland you

: might think,” continued St.

: Claus, as smoke from his pipe
: encircled his head like a wreath. :
: “In fact, it’s a pretty humble :
: little workshop. We don’t really
: celebrate Christmas, or even

: put up a tree. The holidays

: are our job, and December

: is the busiest month of the

: year for us, so we don’t have a

: lot of time to make merry.”

: He went on to describe

: his business operations: “The
: IRS has it out for me, but I

: assure you, everything we

: do at the Pole is non-profit.

: I accept donations from

: companies like Mattel, Lego,

: and Sony, and then promote

: their products in exchange.

: Every penny of that money
goes towards factory upkeep,

: worker pay, and reindeer feed.
: If there’s anything left after

: that, it goes to UNICEF.”

: “Ms. Claus and | are

: celebrating our 5,oooth

: anniversary this year,” said St.
: Claus when questioned about
: his marriage. “We do consider

Image via thinkstock

: ourselves very orthodox.

: We celebrate Hanukkah in

: December, and we always

: fast for Yom Kippur. It’s a

: good way to get ready for

: that big delivery; all the milk

: and cookies can really go to

: your waistline if you don’t go

: without for a little while.”

: “I never meant to confuse

: anyone,” said St. Claus, trudging
: towards the fireplace. “It doesn’t
: matter to me what God you

: believe in; I just want to make

: people happy.” Laying his finger
: aside of his nose and giving a

: nod, up the chimney he rose—

: leaving a dreidel behind him.

 

 

 

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It's a Dell.

 

by David Manky, Senior Columnist